TL/DR: I “lied” about forgetting to bring a table to my partner’s home, so now I’m a person without integrity. I fear my partner has extreme trust issues.
So, firstly, I want to say that my partner is kind, sweet, highly intelligent, and supportive. We have been together for 4+ years. We don’t live together, but we spend as much time together as we can.
So, the lie. I promised I’d bring over a table to her home. However, I also have bad knees, so for me to actually carry it downstairs, etc, would require help from my teen daughter. So, I avoided it, stupidly, as I suppose I was a bit embarrassed, not to mention, at times, asking my child for help is just ignored (like pulling teeth, lol). So when I showed up at partner’s home, I said I had asked my daughter for help, and that she had protested, so I didn’t bring it. In reality, I had forgotten. Happened a month ago.
I think the old me would have done it right away, on my own. My partner questioned me about it, then asked if I was lying about my daughter, to which I owned up and said that, yes, I had forgotten. She got a bit upset, saying that not only did I lie, but I also characterized my daughter as a bad person to her. I shouldn’t have lied, I admitted I was wrong, and I did explain that it was hard for me due to my disability, etc.
A bit more info: my partner is a person with **extreme morality**, and can be very righteous as well (non-religious). So, to her I acted as a person “without integrity.” There is no getting out of these arguments, it’s indefensible, and if I try and explain or defend myself, I’m “gaslighting” her by trying to re-frame things and tell her what reality is. She decides what is right and wrong, and all lying is equally bad. There is no context, and it is simply black and white to her. She has been hurt in the past (cheating, etc.) Also, for context, I admit there had been some lying from me in the past years ago. I lied about my ex having a key to my home (middle of getting a divorce), I had an online dating profile active while we were first dating (I wasn’t seeing anyone else, just had a few messages come up), I was on a sex community site and had chatted with someone for advice and looked at a few profiles (she knew I was on the site and agreed to it.) One big one, I guess, is that I had given my ex access to my kids and didn’t tell my partner about it right away, long story there, but all of these are seen as I’m a person who lies, and if I try and explain that I don’t deserve to never be trusted, I’m gaslighting her and that I need to prove to her that I have integrity. It’s my job to make her feel safe in the relationship and fix it.
The last straw was, last night; I said that I was going to pick up a video game system after work for the kids, and she asks me if I’m going on a date. I said I’m not doing that. She could easily text or call me later that eve and ask for a selfie (which she does sometimes.) No, I have never cheated on her, but, her rebuttal is that I am a LIAR, and she can be accusatory because I have not proven that I am a person with integrity. She will not apologize, she is the victim of my lying, all I can do is prove to her that I am to be trusted. That’s it. If I challenge her, she goes almost immediately to “OK, get out” because she cannot be unreasonable. She’s morally superior.
Help. I don’t know if I can continue a relationship where I have to accept that I’m a “bad person” and a liar. There is no getting out of it. Fuck, I’m almost terrified of her, because even not telling her something right away is also a form of lying, because she deserves to have a say in her life with me.
7 comments
I mean, dude.. you have history of lying to her from the beginning of your relationship about little shit so I’m not really surprised that she doesn’t trust you. You threw your daughter under the bus because YOU were too scared to tell your GF that you forgot a table.
It does sound like she’s taking things very far, but you aren’t really helping your case man. Either way, the fact that you’re scared to tell her the truth shows this relationship is toxic. Just move on.
Don’t be in a relationship you don’t want to be.
I would never, ever in 100 years consent to be with someone who demanded selfies from me to prove myself.
It’s been four years and she’s still forcing you to prove yourself? No. She’s simply decided to never trust you, or even respect you for decisions that are solely yours to make. She is in exactly the kind of relationship she wants to be in. If you don’t like it, leave it.
Don’t stay in this relationship.
Your gf is rightfully annoyed at your lies. But it’s her choice to either accept that you lie, and stay, or break up with you. Keeping you around just to constantly harass you about being a liar is stupid, and it isn’t a healthy relationship.
You’re correct that you also have a choice: accept that in her eyes you’re a bad person and accept her abuse, or move on with your life. I vote move on. And no more lying about dating apps, fetish website communications, involvement with exes, and throwing your child under the bus to save your own ego.
Well, you literally just told us you lied to her. You started your relationship with lies, which makes building proper trust very difficult. Even more difficult if the person already has trust issues.
Then you have continued to lie to her, while they are small lies you know your partner has NO tolerance for lies. You know they are all the same to her, yet you still lied.
It does sound very much like you are a liar.
She is entitled to her opinion on liars and being lied to. However, that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. If the relationship isn’t working for you then you know you gotta break up with her.
Hi, thanks for the responses. Yes, I lied, and I fully admit I shouldn’t be doing that. I guess my real concern is that what is really going on is her using guilt and shame to control the relationship. i.e. not telling her about legal access arrangements with the ex right away, because she will dictate what I should do, because it affects her. The whole selfie thing is framed as a “cute” thing she enjoys, and it can be, but it’s really for her edification. Lying is not cool, and I do regret that.
You’re untrustworthy from the sounds of it. I understand your partner’s point of view here, I am very strict on lying with my partner because dishonesty to me is one of the most disrespectful acts you can perform. It shows that you would rather protect yourself from getting in trouble than show your partner the respect of telling them the truth. I don’t think she’s being unreasonable based on your track record with lying. Either you need to start being honest with her or your relationship is doomed
Get some therapy to deal with why you lie so much, so you dont fuck up the next relationship too.