Hi Reddit, throwaway for obvious reasons.
​
To preface; I have been with my partner for 5 years, engaged for 1. Aside from this issue and a few other small bumps our relationship is pretty good! I can definitely see a future with this man.
​
To get straight to the point, my partner really doesn’t like it if I’m excited/passionate about a subject. I’m a fairly relaxed person as a general rule, but I do like to talk about things that interest me (who doesn’t!) – and when something is particularly interesting or exciting I’m more animated than my usually more sedate self. I don’t see this as a problem, in fact I love it when people are passionate! My partner doesn’t agree though.
​
He’s never said it outright, but as soon as i get too ’excitable‘ he will give me a sort… ‘really?’ Look and say something along the lines of ‘you’re being really manic right now, I’m going to go and do x while you calm down’. Or alternatively, he will quickly find a way to escape the situation and blank me until later on in the day.
​
Honestly I don’t know what to make of it – he has always been a bit dismissive about certain things but this behaviour is really hurtful – it’s not as if I’m shouting or causing any issues, I just want to be excited and talk. I have told him directly more than once (and sometimes in a less polite way) that he is being rude, but it never seems to stick.
I could just call it, and stop talking to him about these things but i don’t have many people to talk to and being as he is my fiancé I don’t think it’s too much to ask just to listen, right?!
​
Is there a way I can make him understand? Am I being a jerk here, and should just let him get on with it and not butt in? If anyone has any advice or has experienced anything like this I’d be grateful to hear about it.
7 comments
My initial response is that it sounds like he’s stifling your joy.
Does he, in other ways, show that he’s happy when you’re happy? Does he try to make you happy? Does he support you in your dreams? Is it just that he doesn’t want to *hear* about it but is happy for you to be engaged in things you’re passionate about (for example, if you were to join a hobby group)?
So you were all of nineteen and he was twenty five when y’all got together, Op? Do you ever wonder why these men go after someone so young? Because women their age won’t put up with their bullshyte, that’s why.
He has been shaping and molding you for five years now and you getting excited and passionate is not something he wants from you. He wants you placid and submissive. I bet he gets all kinds of happy when you’re excited and passionate for him, though.
I don’t know what to tell you, Op, other than get away from him.
I wish you the best, Op.
I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone who treated me like this. Your partner should be your safe place, where you can truly express yourself without needing to curb your enthusiasm. I love to see my husband be more animated/passionate about a subject he’s really interested in – it makes ME more interested in whatever he’s talking about, because I care about him.
I couldn’t imagine shutting my partner down for being too excited about a subject. That’s hurtful and would discourage me from sharing my real feelings, which is a problem if you want your relationship to last.
Man, he sounds like a boring jerk. Do you wanna provide more context, details, or defense for his stifling behavior? Are you willing to accept a sneer from him for the rest of your life every time you see a happy puppy? I dunno, man. Life is hard. And not taking the time to smell the roses makes it that much harder.
Does he like… work a lot and hate his life?
some people don’t like loud over stimulated situations , maybe that’s him?
maybe talk to him after your initial burst of excitement and adrenaline have subsided , then you can have a measured conversation about whatever it is makes you passionate
First, ask him why he can’t be supportive of things that make you happy without acting like it’s “annoying.” Second, you were 19 and he was 25? Ugh….There’s a reason women his own age aren’t putting up with him.
You said in another comment that he encourages you to do things that you enjoy, but then doesn’t want to hear about them? How does that make sense? When my fiance does things he enjoys, I want to know about them.
And years down the road you will wonder why you stayed with someone who crushed your spirit.
Find someone who enjoys life as much as you do.