So my(22f) fiancé(26m) have been together for 3 1/2 years. I’m not gonna go into details from the past, but you can look on some past posts, but his bm (25f) is so disrespectful and nasty to me and pretty much always has been, with the exception of being mildly cordial when she has to, or when she wants to know info about something.
I told my fiancé that I would never leave him over anything she ever said or did, as long as he backed me up which he definitely always has. But his son (6m) has really started to have the same attitude towards me. He leaves me out of things, he says mean things towards me, which both i and his father correct, but the list goes on. I can’t make him be nice to me, I don’t want forced respect, but I don’t know what to do at this point. I love my fiancé dearly, but the way she and they’re son treat me is really damaging my mental health. It really wouldn’t bother me as much I think if I had my own family around, but I don’t. Him and the rest of his family are great, but im not sure I want to keep enduring this. Not only that, but what would our future child have to go through? I definitely don’t want that for them.
TL;DR should I leave my fiancé because of the hardship his bm and son are putting me through or can anything actually be done to save my mental health besides leaving?
7 comments
This is tough because on one hand, your fiance can only do so much. He can’t force baby mama or his son to like you or be genuinely kind. And on the other hand you deserve to not have to be around really nasty people, even if one of them is a 6 year old.
I’d sit down and think about if this is really what you want for the rest of your life.
> I can’t make him be nice to me, I don’t want forced respect, but I don’t know what to do at this point.
Compartmentalize the unpleasantness. While ensuring the son knows he is paying a price / missing something he likes, as a consequence of his behaviour.
Sounds like he’s been stressing you out. Try daily meditation where you blank your mind for 20-30 minutes, very anxiety reducing.
Your fiancé and his son are a packaged deal. His ex is unfortunately also part of that package insofar as some degree of interaction with her is inevitable due to co-parenting. As much as you love your fiancé, it’s totally ok for you to decide that you are not on board with the whole package. Being a step mom can be a lot and there’s nothing wrong with deciding that this situation is just not right for you. This is your life and you need to put your needs first. You are still so young and you have lots of time find your best path.
If you do decide to stay, make sure your partner is willing to back you up not just with his ex but also with his child. Treating you badly is unacceptable and your fiancé needs to enforce that. But if his ex is committed to undermining him on, there just may not be much he can realistically do. And only you can decide whether you can truly bare that without it causing resentment and poisoning your relationship in the end anyhow.
This is an awful lot for a 22-year-old to deal with. You have your entire life ahead of you. Education, travel, growth, experiments. If you proceed with this relationship, past experience suggests that it will be pretty miserable for quite a number of years. I think there are better futures ahead of you…not with this person.
You’re basically a blended family. Take step parent classes. His son doesn’t have to like you but he does have to respect you and he needs to be taught that ASAP. The kid will figure out his birth mother is full of BS eventually if you’re consistent.
You’re fighting multiple battles on multiple fronts in order to stay in this relationship. I don’t blame you one bit for being tired and sad.
Is the relationship amazing enough to make the pain and exhaustion worth it? Because if the answer is “no,” it’s time to call it. He could be a lovely person, but that doesn’t mean his life has space for you in it.
I was that kid so if it offers any consolation, Here’s my story.
Parents split when I was almost 3yo, dad had custody and immediately started seeing someone else. And I hated her guts. Though I don’t remember much, I know family members were poisoning me against her and I was a little shit. I think she completely ignored me for quite some time, took me to school, fed me, etc but did not react or say one word to me that wasn’t necessary. They didn’t feel punishment would help my liking her in the long run.
After a while, it got boring, especially since we spent more and more time together. Eventually I started liking her. Not being a monster.
And twenty something years later she’s 100% my mom and I have siblings by her I adore more than life itself.
I have no idea what custody is like with him and how much time his mom spends badmouthing you but the reality is this is all you can do:
Be nice to the kid, he’s 6, they aren’t his thoughts or words.
Ingore him if you can’t, bad talk doesn’t deserve any response at all. He knows he’s not allowed, punishing or telling him No are just reinforcing what his mom is feeding him.
Be real with you fiance- man, I love you and I wouldn’t even think this if it wasn’t absolutely hell, I have no support system and it’s getting worse and worse. It’s mostly up to him and it sucks, can’t choose between you and the kid and can’t be alone for the rest of his life as this will happen to any future girlfriend.
Try to do as many activities with the both of you. He needs to learn to associate good memories with you.
One thing my mom did that shocked me at the time was give me gifts or things to bring to my biological mother. It did not compute why someone I was told is a monster is being so nice
Good luck, if things don’t get better, don’t waste your best years on a bad situation you can’t control