Let’s see… We’ve been around a year with my long distance boyfriend. Since we met, he tried to change many traits of my personality. I posted pics on social media, now I’m not, I liked hanging out with friends to bars, I stopped cause he dislikes me going to bars since I would be surrounded by men. Same with pictures, he says I post them to get attention. We set some rules then, because if I was going to sacrifice my identity for him, at least he should follow the same rules. However, now he moved to Japan, he’s in a rural area and no car and his only way to socialise is by attending parties of his co-workers (which include females). I told him I didn’t find it fair, since he doesn’t want me to go to my master’s degree students gathering or hang out with any group of friends that include males. He says I’m being inconsiderate, since he’s completely alone there and this is the only way he has to socialise, if it wasn’t for this situation he wouldn’t be hanging out with groups where there are females. I said that it’s okay, that he can do it, but then I should do it too. Since he moved to Japan, these rules started breaking little by little. He wanted to post a pic of himself and asked me if it was okay, I said it’s okay, but that I also want to post a pic. Only because I also wanted to post a pic he decided it was better not to post it. Same with the gym. He can go to the gym but doesn’t like the idea of me going. I’m getting kind of crazy with this issue and feeling that it is unfair and that he’s having more privileges than I do. Other than this, he’s a really kind and good guy, he loves me and we have a good stable relationship, but this is getting harder and harder to tolerate for me. Specially because he’s not abiding by the same rules. What would you suggest? Why doesn’t he just trust I love him too and won’t ran away to the first man coming across?
PD: he went to that gathering and spent the whole night with only just one update. I didn’t know whether he reached home or not. This is another example, he would go crazy if I did that to him. I called him anxiously and he didn’t pick up the calls. This relationship has lowered my self confidence and just worn me out a lot.
7 comments
don’t waste your time with someone who is that insecure.. you reddit here first
This guy is not your dad. He doesn’t get to set rules and give you privileges. Do what you feel like doing. If he doesn’t like it he can get a new girlfriend.
So, I’ll start with the obvious, if this relationship has lowered your self esteem and you know it, just break up. You certainly shouldn’t stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy.
Once that’s out of the way, it seems really toxic to forbid you to go to bars or hang out with male friends. Whatever he may say about it it’s at least a question of trust, and he doesn’t trust you, which is a red flag. It could also be the first hint of an abusive relationship, making you cut ties with male friends, than all friends and before you know it he gets physical and you have no one to turn to anymore. I really advice you to leave him.
Just want to add, it’s a bit less important but you should also consider that you may not do an other master’s degree and you really should make the most out of it, meet as many people as possible, go out if you want to etc because that’s something you may live only once, while you will have more relationships, since you’re about to dump that guy.
I only got to the fourth sentence: get out this is toxic.
I also moved to rural Japan. I have no car, but that’s okay because there are no roads.
It’s a quirky lifestyle, I’ll admit.
The moment he told you to not socialize because you would be around people of the opposite sex woul have been the moment I would have told him no. Even if it wouldn’t be an LDR I would still not give up my social life just to appease his insecure jealousy. He sounds like a controlling hypocrite.
Long distance isn’t going to work…