Every woman I’ve ever met thought I was creepy.

30 comments

1. You sound like you are trying too hard to be something that you are not, because you think women will like you. This screams of lack of self esteem and weakness. Stop worrying about what people think. You have no idea what they think, and it doesn’t really matter.

2. I’m wondering if maybe you’re giving off the vibe that you’re trying too hard or coming on too strong at first. For me, that is a signal to keep a certain distance from someone (while still being kind to them), so as not to get their hopes up about something romantic, and then have them get their feelings hurt when I’m not interested in that. I can’t really explain this vibe but when you ARE trying too hard, it does show through. So I think the more secure you can be in yourself and the more relaxed you can be around people, the more you will find women becoming more comfortable around you. One thing that also turns me off is if a man doesn’t have any male friends and is only ever trying to hang out with women. As a woman, I want to see that you have a healthy social life and you’re not just trying to get validation from female attention.

3. Have you read Unmasking Autism? My wife was diagnosed a few years ago and she said that book and therapy really helped her understand why she came across as off-putting (for her it was because she was trying so hard to mask her autism that she came across as over eager and too agreeable, which can read as desperate and having poor boundaries to neurotypical people) and learn to accept herself and find like minded friends.

   ETA: I haven’t read it myself, but she swears the book changed her social life.

4. Everyone knows the best way to not be creepy is get confrontational with how you’re seen by every woman you meet.

   You need to relax. Work on loving yourself – you’re the only person you’re going to be stuck with for the rest of your life for sure. Stop worrying how you think people perceive you and try to approach other people with the intent to get to know them rather than trying to appear normal and attractive.

   Socializing is a skill that can be improved, but like everything it takes practice and patience with yourself.

5. Since you’re on a dating sub, then what you’re saying is you are friends with woman because you want more. If you didn’t want more from them, then you wouldn’t be on this sub.

   My guess is, you don’t want to be friends with these women, you just think being friends with them will eventually get you a girlfriend, and they can smell your real reason why you want to be their “friend”. These women are much more attractive than you so they know you’re going to cling to the hope that one day they’ll notice you. Instead they use you for attention and then don’t care about you when they don’t need it.

6. It sounds a lot like you’re trying too hard, and possibly.not being authentic

7. Do you have friends who you trust to weigh in on what you could do better? Family members who could give you advice?

   The biggest issue is, while you’re aware of many things you’re doing right/wrong, it’s just as possible you’re doing something you’re completely unaware of (and won’t be until it’s pointed out to you).

   From an outsider point of view you sound pretty intense, but there’s also lots of non verbal cues that are subtle but unconsciously picked up by other people.

   ~

   My suggestion is to try doing some acting/theatre classes. The biggest thing is they work on public speaking, body language, nuance, inflection and other things, that can potentially iron out communication issues you might be having. Good communication, especially comedic timing or charisma really comes from knowing how to use body language and speech.

8. I think you are caught it a really bad loop that you need to bust out of. You are obsessed with being liked by women and it warps your attitude towards them. Your self worth is caught up in this, and they can sense it, and it probably creeps them out, which causes you to redouble your efforts to try to be likeable, but that becomes transparent.

   My advice is to just forget about that for a while and do stuff for yourself that you enjoy and hopeful improves you. People are going to say go to the gym, yadda yadda, and that’s fine, but go to the gym for yourself.

   Pursue your own interests in order to get satisfaction from stuff you put work into, and get your self worth from that.

   Once you have re-centered that way, you may find that will help in your interaction with others. People naturally respect people who value themselves.

   Oh and if you do go back to hitting on women, start with your own league.

9. I think your anxieties and insecurities are showing through your efforts when you try to interact with women. For one thing, people can usually tell when you’re genuinely engaged in whatever conversation/activity in person with them vs when you’re in your own head. For another, when you confront people as you’ve said you do, you should expect that – *confrontation and friction*. If they didn’t think you were insecure or awkward or whatever, they sure will now! I can understand why you feel the way you do, but **don’t mistake your feelings as being their thoughts.**

10. Okay, I will just say this, feminine men don’t appeal to all women but there is a sizeable amount of women to which they do. Look how many women like K-Pop, which is half very pretty men with no facial hair and makeup on. Or women who like alt men who are clean shaven with long hair and liner.

    Women aren’t a monolith. Androgyny is hot to many people. Have some confidence in that respect.

11. Oh buddy, you are overthinking. I can almost guarentee that the person you are is more likable than the persona you’re trying to fake. It’s just not possible to be present in the moment with someone else when your attention is focused inward on all that nonsense.

12. I think you lack self esteem. Girls probably don’t think this. You just have to be yourself and be confident.

13. How do you know these women? Do you have anything in common with them? It honestly sounds like you’re describing women who just aren’t your friends, as opposed to women who think you’re creepy. Do you spend time in any social groups? How do you meet friends/people?

    It can be a bit off putting when someone I don’t know, don’t share any friends or social circles with, don’t have any shared interests with, and don’t have any reason to contact is constantly trying to contact me. I’d wonder why they’re trying to contact me. The first guess is: they want to date. Disinterest/disengaging is a safe way to avoid encouraging someone to get the wrong idea. This may or may not fit with you or your experiences, I don’t know you. But you are posting on dating advice.

    I’d start off with learning how to be genuine friends with women, before focusing on dating. I also think you need to take a step back and get some assistance with your hyper focus on how other people perceive you (social anxiety/self loathing). You don’t have a crystal ball to see what other people are thinking – you’re automatically assuming every woman looking at you is looking at you as a creep or with disgust. That’s not healthy or helpful, and very unlikely to be realistic.

14. Since you’re convinced they find you creepy, literally nothing will convince you otherwise. You’ve just decided they’re lying.

15. So i’m not sure how to best put this, but you say you’re trying at this, trying at that, thinking too much about this.

    The most successful people socially don’t do any of that. In fact they dont try at all. I think women are sensing your “try” behavior. Trying to do this, not trying to do that. Like I dont think about any of that stuff at all in social settings Im just in the moment. I know it is easier said than done but maybe it will help you idk.

16. >but believe me, I’ve tried, and I’ve tried HARD.

    The unfortunate thing about life is that there are many things such that the harder you try, the worse they get.

    Don’t get me wrong, you can *practice* social skills and conversation skills, but in order to actually *do* these things successfully, you can’t be trying too hard in that moment. Being “confident,” which everyone knows is important, is largely about trusting yourself enough that you can execute these skills without thinking about them, so that you’re relaxed and not self-conscious at the same time, and can let your attention move freely instead of keeping it locked on what your body and face are doing.

    If you’re autistic, I don’t know if it’s possible to do all these things without conscious effort. I don’t know if it’s possible for an autistic person to really hide the fact that they’re autistic from people who don’t have any disability that affects social interaction.

    Your best bet might be to change who you’re around, rather than what you’re doing. You’re not the only one who has to give up on being “cool” and attracting the “cool kids.” I’m not autistic but I’ve never successfully been cool either. I think the solution is to find people who accept you how you are, rather than thinking you’re going to effort your way into making any given person like you.

17. Hey homie, there’s lots of good comments here about self-esteem and valuing and loving yourself as routes to more success socially (also what sounds like a great book suggestion).

    I would also say, from what you’ve written, it sounds like you’re projecting a lot onto the women in your life. You don’t know what a person is thinking and feeling, you don’t know what kinds of connections they have w others or what they’re going through. If they say they’re busy and they’re hanging out w other people, that’s not a lie. People who have a lot going on in their life can still sometimes make time for those they have bonds with. sometimes getting to know someone new is exhausting if you don’t already click on some level. Everyone has their own stuff they’re dealing with and centring yourself in their life (feeling like they make all their choices in order to avoid you) isn’t realistic and disregards them as autonomous people.

    You’re starting to project so much onto others, that every behavior they have is about you (what strangers may think about you for example). It’s a mindset that doesn’t work because it’s disregarding the reality of other people having whole and complete lives that have nothing to do with you. Someone who gives you a bad look while walking down the street might be thinking about the gross meal they ate yesterday. You don’t need to take on other people’s energy so much, as ultimately you only have a very limited scope for what they may be experiencing.

    If you focus so much on how you come across, it seems unnatural. It’s really tough navigating social stuff, sometimes especially while having autism, and it sounds like you’ve put in a lot of work trying to be a good person to those around you. Respecting boundaries and giving others space is a really important thing to do and it’s great that you’ve taken the time to socially navigate in a way that is thoughtful to others. That’s awesome! The only thing is, if people feel like you’re doing it because you want them to like you, that can feel like a pressure on them and can freak them out. Other people feel insecurity and self-doubt too and if they feel like you want them to do or be something a certain way for you, they can disengage because it’s scary having that expectation placed on them.

    A lot of people can tell when you’re treating them differently than others, and if a woman sees that you’re acting differently with her than you are your guy friends immediately, she’s gonna feel like you want something from her that she hasn’t offered (or even has had the chance to offer). It can be exhausting for a woman to live a life feeling like every man they talk to is asking something of them. It feels like work. And so other guy friends who are talking to her with 0 expectations or desires from her probably make her feel more comfortable because she doesn’t have to live up to any task she feels is just bubbling under the surface.

    Ultimately, it sounds like you have internalized the part of socializing that’s most important: physical boundary navigation. That means you can let all this other stuff go and try navigating without thinking so much about what other people are thinking about you and what you want from them. If you go to events or concerts or clubs (like game or media group clubs, not like.. dancing clubs, but those are fine too haha), if you have hobbies or interests that you can do while engaging with people, this might be a good way to start practicing not focusing so hard on others while still engaging with them. In this same field, assessing if you’re hanging around the right people might also be helpful. Do you share the same interests? Are you excited and engaged by their opinions and goals? There are a lot of different kinds of people in the world and if you haven’t found a group you click with, it might be because you’re searching for connection in areas that aren’t your strong suit.

    Something i also found helpful is people watching. You’ve studied a lot of body language and so going somewhere like a bar or cafe or convention and watching how other people engage w each other while you yourself are removed can be helpful for understanding why and how people like and don’t like each other. When doing this, try your best to focus on the interaction itself and only the physical attributes that are *chosen* by the people involved (like.. don’t focus as much on birth-given physical characteristics and focus more on things like clothing choice, hair styles, jewelry and buttons, etc. Things that people *choose* to use to signal to others facts about themselves are more helpful to understanding a person than things they can’t control, like their face shape or height). Then you can ask yourself “why did he frown when she said that?” “Where did she put her hands when he moved his attention like that?” Etc. Doing people watching like this can be a fun way to see people naturally express what they’re feeling without involving yourself, and therefore can provide easier access to non-projected observation. But I’d still say it should be used as a mini-exercise and your focus right now should be more on yourself and building self-stability in a way that isn’t looking towards others for validation.

    You can do this, man. It’s not easy but everyone has their weaknesses and strengths. This stuff isn’t inherent and can be learned and practiced until it’s natural. Don’t give up – work towards love, acceptance, and connection with yourself instead of trying to get it from others, and it can really make the difference in your life as a whole.

    Ps
    Just in case this is a factor, also double check to make sure that you’re properly groomed. You don’t need to cut your hair or change your body for anyone else, but make sure you’re showering, washing your hair, brushing your teeth, cleaning your face in the morning/evening, etc. Knowing your body and treating it the way that makes it look cared for shows others that you are someone who looks after themselves as well as can look out for their friends and loved ones if they need it. Having long hair is cool imo! If there’s characters or actors you’ve seen doing interesting long-haired styles, it might be fun to try out different looks for yourself inspired by them. It shows others that you’re interested in yourself when you’re thoughtful about your aesthetic presentation. You owning who you are and what you’re about signals to people that they don’t need to worry about doing a bunch of emotional labour around your insecurities if they form a bond with you later.

18. Perhaps the issue is that you are too much like your username…

    A paranoid apparition 🤪

    Jesting aside, my best advice would be to have confidence and trust in your being no matter what idiosyncrasies you may possess, for it is this intrinsic character which proves far more attractive than any visual aesthetic.

    So what if these girls have reacted unfavourably toward you in a romantic sense? They clearly aren’t for you! Moreover, why should their perception of you transcend your own self-perception?

    Perhaps you are not definitively creepy, but merely internalize any hint of rejection/lack of connection as such. A theory…so be wary of tethering your sense of worth to this ungrounded hypothesis.

    As trite as it may sound, love and own yourself. If you may accomplish this, you will attract the most suitable partner—guaranteed.

    In the meantime, enjoy your ephemeral freedom and androgynous aesthetic (which, by the way, can be very attractive and not creepy at all)…

    No longer be paranoid, Mr. Apparition!

19. I would suggest a behavioral therapist or coach that specializes in autism to be able to show you how to interact with people less awkwardly.

    Also, it might help joining a nerdy group, think video game club, card game club, where being awkward and dorky is more socially acceptable. This will help you develop more social skills especially if you put in the effort with a therapist and weekly plans in a journal. And if there’s a girl there, hey, maybe it’ll be true love for you.

    Edit:

    Also, something that you’re going to have to accept with autism is that your initial interpretation of a social situation is probably not reality. You have trouble reading cues, so, IMO, these girls don’t think you’re creepy, you’re most likely interpreting that way. You’re probably just not socially aware to make friends with them. That’s where a therapist would come in to say, hey, you’re not a mind reader! Maybe some people think you’re creepy, maybe others don’t, what they can help you is to try and mitigate some of the more creepy behaviors, but for everything else, it’s just who you are, unapologetically.

    I’m not saying change your whole personality or who you are, autism is part of who you are, I’m saying to speak with a therapist to help you understand social situations, social cues in social situations, and help you understand that there is still hope. It’s not an all or nothing mindset, autism can really make someone think in a black and white way, therapy will help you with that too.

20. I was half way through the post when I thought in my head “OP may be on the spectrum”. That is NOT throwing shade at all. It’s a good example however of how you give off vibes that may be different than the “typical” person you come into contact with. The truth of the matter is, is autism has a way of making socializing hard. It may seem forced which could be why it comes off “weird” or “creepy” as you put it. It’s very important to understand that while you have autism, you clearly want the same thing as everyone else in this world and that is to feel loved.

    The first thing that someone looks at is your style, your personality comes second. If you believe your hair and feminine style may be a contributing factor, how would you feel about first changing your style? Is the long hair really important to you?

    The second thing I think about when it comes to someone with autism is that they have different strengths and a lot of people can find that valuable in a partner. They are usually very logical and look at things objectively, which I can see by your comments that you do very well. It is very important to not look at your situation as a negative, because you have the ability to add a lot of value in different ways! You would be shocked at the amount of people that are undiagnosed (I think partially myself included). Just as though some people aren’t right for you, there are others where you aren’t right for them and that is perfectly okay. There will be a person you come across who gets you, who understands where you are coming from.

    I wish you well brother. Keep that chin up. Girls like confidence

21. I read the first half and all I gotta say is, you sound creepy. Here’s why

    “They ignore my messages” – so you’re saying you send multiple messages that are being ignored. Dude, if she doesn’t respond to the 1st or second, STOP. Why are you messaging if they are ignoring? Also what are you messaging? Are you just saying hi, are they friends or are you cold DMing?

    “Whenever I confront them” – don’t do this it’s weird af. Like what are you saying to them….people do not owe you anything. If you want to have a convo with them, there’s a softer way to go about it and it’s not “confrontational”

    “They lie” – you don’t know this. You just think this. And the fact that you are skeptical of them probably shows. Which makes you seem not so friendly.

    And then your paragraph on appearing charismatic – you are trying way too hard and thinking too hard. This shows and other people notice and are probably weirded out by it. Just be genuine and be yourself. That’s why girls are comfortable around other guys, they’re genuine and not putting on an act. You may not realize it but you’re putting on this whole performance to be “cool”. People can see right through that and it makes you look fake and people don’t like that.

22. Well we all dont know you, so all we can do is guess.

    My guess is: social things don’t come naturally to you, as you are autistic. Reading social cues is difficult for you. That’s why you tried to copy what you read is socially “normal” behavior, you tried to play a role. But without being able to read social cues, understand nonverbal cues, or stuff like irony, you are likely to not play this role very good. It’s likely that other people perceive you as “off” and subconsciously notice that you are trying to play a role. Which comes across as creepy.

    I have no real solution for you.
    Have you been in social skills therapy for people with autism? Do you have a therapist you can talk about it? If not: get started!

23. Im gonna take your side a bit since people seem to be being a bit harsh and don’t understand that masking is HARD and kind of a lose-lose situation for autistic people. You’re either trying too hard or you’re weird. Like for example, girls think you’re weird, the people in this thread think you’re trying too hard. I also think you guys don’t understand it’s also a safety thing for autistic people to be “trying too hard” (aka masking) especially for girls because people aren’t really accepting of learning differences especially in our school system. He has a right to feel insecure or have self esteem issues, we live in a pretty ableist and judgmental society.

    For context I’m high functioning autistic and have ADHD. As someone who is also autistic, this “ew he must be creepy bc his eye contact is off” is a neurotypical problem. Slight body movements, facial expression, mannerisms, etc. are something people put WAYYY too much emphasis on when talking to someone. and then making false assumptions and hating people for it. While it’s wrong to box in all women as judgemental, neurodivergent people get boxed in as creepy for behavior they’re very unaware of, even when you’re just tryna live your life in peace.

    My suggestion is to talk to other neurodivergent girls… my dating life got better when I dated guys w/ the shared neurodiverse experience. I feel safer and less like I got to play a game of pretend all the time. It’s not just for dating it’s for friendship too. Also! Maybe let women know you’re autistic? It’s not an excuse for breaking any sort of boundaries but it does give them the autonomy to be patient and go “hey he’s just doing that bc masking” or “he has autism social cues are hard for him.”

24. My brother is autistic (and so is my sister but she doesn’t know yet) and things got much easier for him when he stopped trying to behave how nerotypical people do.

    Try making friends with women who have similar interests so you have something to talk about together, I promise when you live authentically you will seem less creepy. A big thing that stood out to me is you mentioned an effort to be charismatic and funny around women, that can be a red flag because it can feel like you’re acting a certain way to get something from us (and if you think about it in this case you are) that feeling is scary.

    So my recommendation is to drop the “charisma” and if you’re awkward be awkward, if you only want to talk about one thing just talk about that. It’s the effort to not be creepy that is coming off as creepy I think.

25. You’re autistic. The majority of people will be uncomfortable around you unfortunately. They probably don’t think you’re creepy they just don’t know how to communicate with you and it makes them uncomfortable. My nephew who is also autistic has a hard time making friends for the same reason. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Just be yourself and the right friends will come along.

26. Hey OP. I hope you will not be upset by my post. I try to be as blunt and factual as possible, since I think autists prefer direct comunication.

    You come off as creepy because you are trying to be someone you’re not. Only actors and good liars can consciously use body language to influence how others percieve them.

    The moment you try to act a certain way everyone will know it’s an act, subconciously or not. If a neurotypical person does this and fails most people will have a good gauge about that person’s true intentions or feelings because they can still read the real social cues that person is giving off beneath the acting. For example “John played it cool and friendly all night with Jason, but it’s so obvious he just fucking hates him”

    When you do it, there is not much that is clearly readable behind your act and that is what creeps people out. Not being able to read someone provokes uncertainty which provokes fear. They will know you’re acting and what you try to portray, but they will not be able to guess your motives for doing so.

    The person above me has a point. Have you tried being upfront about your autism? Make it a topic.

    “Hello my name is … I am an autist. If I come off as creepy let me assure you it is not my intention. I’m just trying to get better at social stuff.”

    I am sure some will find that interesting.

27. The way you wrote and think is kind of creepy. If they never initiate conversations with you and ignore your messages, you aren’t their friend.

    How are your conversational skills? Silence is awkward.

28. It’s probably more #1.

    You’ve identified 2 things that you think it could be. #2 would be really hard to change, impossible even.

    Number 1 is within your control. If you want to attract more women, you need to put in some effort to be attractive. Get a haircut at a salon (don’t go to Supercuts or some other discount place), put in the money to get a good cut. Go into the appointment with a couple pictures of hair styles you like and ask the stylist what they think would look good on you.

    Next, go shopping. A somewhat common trait for people on the spectrum is to have pretty terrible fashion sense. Go online, find some outfits/styles that you like and then spend some money to replicate it.

    The way you present yourself to the world matters and I think it would help to try and change that.

    Also, I’m not a psychologist, but I used to tutor kids on the spectrum. You’re writing doesn’t exactly sound like someone who is autistic but just socially awkward. If you have been formally diagnosed, then ignore this part. If you haven’t schedule an appointment with a therapist that specializes in neurodivergence. In any case, just get into therapy. Sounds like you might have some issues you need to work through.

29. You’re right, it can be both things you listed. I feel like a man is attracted to me and I’m not interested in them, I will abruptly tense up. I just feel conditioned to put my walls up, to give subtle signs so I’m not leading them on. For the second part, there may be some cues that you are unaware of. Some of the things that make me uncomfortable is if a man gets a bit too close while talking or puts too much focus on me if we’re in a larger group. Your eagerness to talk may also be coming across as fake.

    Now if I meet a guy for the first time and he shows no interest in me, I will feel very comfortable around them. Why? Because they are treating me like a normal person. I don’t feel threatened at all about whether or not I’m giving the wrong message. My best advice is to talk to more people, both men and women. Treat them the same. It’ll help you develop better social skills and be less off putting.

30. Do you make comments about women around your guy friends? They might get around to people.

    In my friend group, one of my guy friends told me another guy in our group had made some disparaging comments about women. Although the dude hasn’t said anything to me specifically, I can’t get past it and I’d rather not talk to him. And obviously I’m not going to rat out my friend.