ok for 30+ people, does the woman want man/sex role typically reverse???

3 comments

1. I’m the same way. I’m almost never “raring to go”. It’s a wiring thing and not reflective of his attraction to you. We’re almost never “in the mood” so to speak, but a trigger can change it instantly. I can just about guarantee it has nothing to do with physical attraction.

2. I’ll answer to the best of my ability for both myself and my partner (tagging u/LostAd6009 I’m case he wants to dispute anything I say or I get something wrong or he wants to add something). I’m 44F, and he is 35M.

   >My thought is do men just want us less or does their libido go down after a certain age?

   We both seem to have very strong libidos. We both want each other most of the time that we see each other. We see each other once or twice a week and we’re having sex at some point most days that we see each other (and sometimes twice in one day). Our schedules prevent us from seeing more of each other. I think if we were able to see more of each other, we’d probably have a lot more sex, but maybe not every day? Who knows. We can’t see each other every day so that’s all speculation.

   >It’s like the tables have turned. I remember being 18, I wasn’t that into sex back then and every boyfriend wanted sex and attempted at sex multiple times a day (or whenever there was a possible opportunity). So I’m finally comfortable with my sexuality and finally someone that enjoys sex, but I no longer feel desired.

   I have always had a high libido and always loved sex. From what I understand, the same is true for him. I don’t know about him, but as I’ve grown a little older, I’ve also come to realize that while I absolutely love sex, I also love the quiet parts of a relationship. Snuggling in bed and watching TV together. Or playing video games in the same room near each other but not necessarily with each other. I feel very much desired by him, but also, I’m just comfortable in his company.

   >But it feels kind of like if I don’t go to make out with him and start rubbing on it, I’m not sure he would ever initiate.

   Out of the two of us…I think I initiate more. I hope he corrects me if he thinks I’m wrong on this one. This is one of those things where I think people in relationships often have differing perceptions. I don’t mind initiating more, and I definitely don’t feel like he would never initiate if I didn’t. I’m happy with where things are at in our sex life. If I needed a change, and I needed him to initiate more, I would tell him.

   >He’s tired a lot of the time, and I feel like I miss his opertune energy window, so it feels like I’m coercing him into sex when he’s tired. He will still do it (and it’s great, he will also go down on me until I finish a couple of times, etc.)

   I get that. My guy does physical labor. He works his ass off and doesn’t sleep well enough. I worry about him. But I have to trust that he’s doing what he wants to do. He’s a grown ass man in his mid 30s. If he doesn’t want to do something, he needs to tell me.

   >He says things like he’ll never date a younger woman again after being with me, that he hated the sexual inexperience amongst other things. Do you think this is really just that he is too tired to initiate? Or do you think he’s lying about liking older women now, and that I’m just not very tempting for him? Maybe if he were with a 20 year old he wouldn’t keep his hands off of them…

   I opt to believe my partner when he says things (though he’s never said anything specifically like this). He’s been incredibly honest with me, so if he tells me something, I tend to believe it. I do sometimes question, but its less a me not believing him kind of thing, and is instead more just self doubts about my own worth and value. But I’m working on that and trying to be better about my self talk.

3. This isn’t a perfect analogy but if you think of desire as being similar to hunger, then the differences are like this:

   Spontaneous desire = you’re hungry all the time. Even if you just had a meal, you still feel the desire for more.

   Responsive desire = you’re really only hungry when someone puts food in front of you or you taste a dish first, then that triggers your hunger. But that feeling of hunger doesn’t show up out of nowhere. Something has to initiate it (hence: responsive)

   This is why people with spontaneous desire have a really hard time understanding people with responsive desire. For the SD person, they think “my god, why aren’t you hungry? I’m hungry all the time, how the hell are you not hungry, like me?”

   And the RD person would simply say “I just don’t feel it. Even if I got a long time without eating, I won’t get hungry. But if someone gives me something tasty to try, then I can get hungry.”

   The main difference here is that you will literally die of hunger whereas no one dies from lack of sex but you get the idea, hopefully.

   So your BF basically doesn’t get hungry on his own. Like, the idea of eating (having sex) doesn’t just randomly pop into his head. He needs something more to kickstart his desire.

   In contrast, your desire probably just shows out, seemingly anywhere, anytime, right? That feels natural to you. Well, same for your BF. His responsive desire *feels* natural to him.

   And to be really really clear: his desire isn’t about you. I know it feels personal but it’s not. He can find you to be attractive and sexy and awesome but his desire to be with you sexually rarely will emerge spontaneously in the same way to pops up for you.

   The fact that, as you say, “his dick gets perfectly hard whenever I touch him” indicates that, yes indeed, he is responsive to your sexually. But he needs that touch. It doesn’t get hard without you initiating.