Should I (f27) let go of my great partner (m30)?
I’ve known my boyfriend for a few years now. I was super into him when we first met and there was a little chase involved. He had been a serial relationship guy and I was always sleeping around and having fun. He seemed like someone I wanted to date but he wasn’t ready for anything serious. Things just naturally progressed and we started dating. Over the last few years we’ve broken up and gotten back together several times. I would always get this feeling that maybe he wasn’t “the one” and then we’d break up and I missed him terribly, and we ended up back together. I learned a lot about attachment theory and realized I have an avoidant attachment style..basically meaning I am uncomfortable with intimacy and I push away when things get serious. This made a lot of sense to me and is something I’ve been aware of and trying to work on the most I can.
We’ve been doing well together for over a year consecutively now, but the feelings have been coming back and I don’t know if I can trust them or not. I wonder if I’m just too comfortable and afraid to lose him because it feels like I have no one else. I wonder if I just like the way he treats me. He pays for everything. We communicate so well. He supports me and respects me. He’s so in love with me and it clearly shows. He’s really an amazing guy and I should feel lucky. My family and friends adore him, we’re always getting compliments as a couple. Having doubts makes me feel so shitty because I don’t want to be stupid when I have a good thing going. I know that as relationships progress they get a little more boring..but I can’t help but have the feeling that something is missing. I’ve never really been in a serious relationship before so that makes it harder to know which feelings are normal and which are flags. I see the way he looks at me and I just don’t seem to look at him that way. People say life compatibility and communication and all of these things are super important in choosing a partner and I have all of those boxes checked..I just don’t know if I feel how I should feel. I don’t know if what I think I should feel even exists. Other people seem to have it, but maybe that’s all just a show.
I know I have a really healthy relationship, but I can’t help but wonder if I could have that and a spark too? I’m afraid it’s not out there. I’m afraid to let go of something safe and comfortable for a dumb reason..but I also wonder if I could be happier? If I could stop losing sleep over all of this guilt I feel? I’ve been through this feeling so many times but I’m afraid to trust it, and more importantly I’m afraid that if I make this argument again, it will be the last time. He’s had so much patience with me in the past but this time seems the most real.
TL; DR I know this is a long read so I appreciate if you did. Basically, I’m just looking for input on whether or not I should stick with a healthy relationship that I’m lucky to have, or risk putting myself out there in hopes of more “spark.” I could really use any input at all, I’m at such a loss.
3 comments
Honestly I think you lack experience and you won’t ever really know what you want or be satisfied with what you have when you have doubts and curiosity. I think you need to go out and experience things in order for you to figure things out. You won’t ever figure things out staying in the same situation and not knowing anything else. Cause I don’t see a point for you to think you are in a good relationship but will always have doubt because you don’t know. It is better to be free and experience enough for you to have confidence in what you want and find that later.
Me and you are alot alike, I spent years messing around with guys and everytime I met someone healthy and ready to settle, I would jump ship and go back to being in toxic relationships because at least there was that “spark” I was looking for. Are you sure you’re not maybe confusing that “spark” for toxicity? Maybe you’re not used to someone being there for you and supporting you, it feels “boring” and not wild enough. Perhaps you miss those exciting few weeks when you’re meeting someone new and going on first dates where yous try to impress eachother and its constant excitement because you enjoy the chase and the work guys would put into wanting you.
Idk if thats maybe how youre feeling or not, but one thing I know for sure is that you’ve fallen into the sunk cost fallacy. Look into it on google, its when you feel like you’ve put so much effort into a relationship – or its gone on for so long – that you feel like you cant just end it now because there goes all these years wasted on something that didnt work out, so you feel like you have to stay.
You’re young, youre allowed to feel these emotions, it doesnt make you a bad person. Youre going to turn 30 soon, do you want to be 30 and say “damn I wish I left him 3 years ago, I would of already been in a new relationship by now, or gone on all these new adventures, instead im still with the same guy having the same internal monologue and struggling with the same internal battles”. You’ve clearly been battling for a while now. My best bet is leave and figure yourself out more. Go out and sleep around if you have to, there is nothing wrong with exploring your options and preferences. But no-one can tell YOU what choice to make, only you will know when youre ready. Sometimes you have to keep going back to someone until you realise one day that emotionally you genuinely just cant keep doing this.
Seems like you might be hooked on the initial chemistry and excitement, AKA the “spark”. The spark is temporary. Do you want to go chasing the dragon and go back to serial hook ups? Coz, that may be the only way you can have a constant “spark”?