I am a (f27) dating a (m30) and everything is fine.
For a little quick back story,
I’ve known my boyfriend for a few years now. I was super into him when we first met and there was a little chase involved. He had been a serial relationship guy and I was always sleeping around and having fun. He seemed like someone I wanted to date but he wasn’t ready for anything serious. Things just naturally progressed and we started dating. Over the last few years we’ve broken up and gotten back together several times. I would always get this feeling that maybe he wasn’t “the one” and then we’d break up and I missed him terribly, and we ended up back together. I learned a lot about attachment theory and realized I have an avoidant attachment style..basically meaning I am uncomfortable with intimacy and I push away when things get serious. This made a lot of sense to me and is something I’ve been aware of and trying to work on the most I can.
We’ve been doing well together for over a year consecutively now, but the feelings have been coming back and I don’t know if I can trust them or not. I wonder if I’m just too comfortable and afraid to lose him because it feels like I have no one else. I wonder if I just like the way he treats me. He pays for everything. We communicate so well. He supports me and respects me. He’s so in love with me and it clearly shows. He’s really an amazing guy and I should feel lucky. My family and friends adore him, we’re always getting compliments as a couple. Having doubts makes me feel so shitty because I don’t want to be stupid when I have a good thing going. I know that as relationships progress they get a little more boring..but I can’t help but have the feeling that something is missing. I’ve never really been in a serious relationship before so that makes it harder to know which feelings are normal and which are flags. I see the way he looks at me and I just don’t seem to look at him that way. People say life compatibility and communication and all of these things are super important in choosing a partner and I have all of those boxes checked..I just don’t know if I feel how I should feel. I don’t know if what I think I should feel even exists. Other people seem to have it, but maybe that’s all just a show.
I know I have a really healthy relationship, but I can’t help but wonder if I could have that and a spark too? I’m afraid it’s not out there. I’m afraid to let go of something safe and comfortable for a dumb reason..but I also wonder if I could be happier? If I could stop losing sleep over all of this guilt I feel? I’ve been through this feeling so many times but I’m afraid to trust it, and more importantly I’m afraid that if I make this argument again, it will be the last time. He’s had so much patience with me in the past but this time seems the most real.
TL/DR: I’m just looking for input on whether or not I should stick with a healthy relationship that I’m lucky to have, or risk putting myself out there in hopes of more “spark.” Should I stick with the safe choice and be mostly content? Should I explore other options knowing there will be a lot of sadness involved for us both?
3 comments
You talk a lot about how he feels and how others feel about you two together, but not how you feel. Do you love him? Do you love him as a person but feel like you should feel more romantically?
It doesn’t matter how good a person he is or how your relationship “should” make you feel, there are intangible things like chemistry that you can’t predict. Breaking up multiple times already makes me feel like you love and care for him and enjoy the relationship enough that you do miss it when you break up (because of course you are lonely) but once you are back in it you remember why you broke up in the first place.
If nothing else, you should talk to someone about how you are feeling to really pinpoint what is missing for you and if it’s your anxiety or just something you are lacking in your relationship. You both deserve to be with someone who is crazy about you, if you are not that way with him, then the kind thing to do would be to let him go.
Therapy therapy therapy therapy
Truly, if you can access it, this is exactly the kind of thing it exists for. Seeing a therapist was SO helpful to me when I was feeling like you several years ago. My boyfriend and I lived together, he wanted to marry me, and I was just… not feeling what I thought I should.
Based on my personal experience, I suspect that if you’re doubting this much and this often, you’re probably right. It hurts and it sucks to break up with someone who’s great in a lot of ways, but other people aren’t lying when they say they absolutely adore their partners. My husband and I have been together about seven years, and he’s still the most fun and delightful person I know. My parents have been together nearly 40, and they still each talk to me all the time about how grateful they are to have each other. You don’t have to settle for fine.
Your gut is not magic. Can’t tell you how many times I see people break up or jump into a relationship because of “their gut” and regret it.