I moved in with my boyfriend 3.5 weeks ago. In that time, this has come up 2 or 3 times and has lead to hours-long arguments. I feel like we both do a lot.
When I moved here, I cleaned the house pretty much top top bottom and reorganized everything to be more tidy and efficient. Chores that are exclusive to him: taking out the trash twice a week, mowing the lawn (rarely now that it’s winter). Chores that are exclusive to me: vacuuming the house, mopping, dusting, and general tidying upkeep and organization. We both do groceries, he tends to cook the main dish for dinner and I’ll do the sides (for example he’ll marinade and cook the steak and I’ll stir fry veggies or roast potatoes or make a salad etc; we don’t eat breakfast or lunch every day but when we do, I’m the one who cooks it/ makes it), we both do dishes (I tend to do big loads of dishes that are used during cooking, he does the dishes we use after eating), and in the beginning he did most of the laundry but I’ve exclusively done the last 3 loads from start to finish. The big dispute is the dog, which was mine (and I believe is now OURS). My boyfriend walks him more often (I go sometimes) and takes him out to potty more often (I do it sometimes). We both feed him.
Once a week, while I’m doing one of my hobbies (primarily drawing lately) he’ll get upset at a chore he’s doing and tell me that he feels like this relationship is not equal, and that he does way more than me. I can’t try to reason with facts because he tells me he just “feels” that way and that’s what’s important. I tell him I don’t think the feelings are founded in reality and it feels unfair and hurtful to be told this. When I ask him what the solution is, he tells me he just wants a hug and for me to say “I’m sorry you feel that way” but that’s… not a solution to me? I’m still gonna feel awful and guilty and wondering what more I can do and he’ll feel better for 5 minutes but in a week he’ll be back to telling me how unfair the relationship “feels.” He even hit me with the “what value do you bring to the table?”
Where do I go from here? What tangible solution can there be? Because I feel like what he wants is a band-aid for a bullet hole.
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tl;dr: My boyfriend feels like I don’t do as much as him. When I try to point out that I think I do with facts, he tells me that’s all irrelevant and he just wants a hug and his feelings acknowledged, but I don’t think that’s a good solution to the problem.
6 comments
The next time he pulls this nonsense, you should “feel” that he’s pushing bullshit as an excuse to have something over you. When he protests that he’s not doing whatever, tell him that’s all irrelevant and that the feelings are what matters and he should apologize and acknowledge those feelings.
From what you’ve described, things seem relatively balanced in terms of the allocation of chores. You’re approaching the issue logically; he’s approaching it emotionally (and quite immaturely). My only suggestion in terms of seeing eye to eye on the chores would be to sit down together and actually write down what each of you have been doing chore-wise, and ask him what changes he thinks would be fair. But all of this is irrelevant because…
> He even hit me with the “what value do you bring to the table?”
Your “value” is that you’re a human being (seemingly a very great one) who deserves a partner who actually has the same appreciation and respect for you that you do for him. If he feels that you don’t “bring to the table” anything of “value” to him, he doesn’t deserve you, and you deserve better.
If he feels that the relationship is not equal, he must work harder to identify what is unfair. His insistence on dumping his feelings about that on you, weekly, while refusing to do any work to either (a) manage those feelings himself, or (b) engaging in the work to resolve the perceived unfairness, is not fair to you.
And if it were me, the question, “What value do you bring to the table”, if asked genuinely, would have me packing up and walking out the door. Because I *do* know my worth.
Since all my comments have sounded rather negative, I guess I should say that the one possible reason I can think of to remain hopeful is that you’ve only been cohabitating for 3.5 weeks. Perhaps he’ll adjust, but he better do so sooner rather than later, and he better realize and apologize sincerely for how he’s made you feel. I don’t know if I could personally get past the “what value do you bring to the table” question that he asked, that’s pretty much irredeemable in my eyes, but if you’re able to move past that, it can probably be said that you’re a better person than me. Please just do what’s best for you and what will make you feel the best *in the long run*, you really do deserve that.
If what he wants is a hug, support, and appreciation for what he does, then he should ask for that by saying he feels overburdened/stressed. He is attacking you, which is a terrible way to get support. And he’s making a claim which is arguable. If he wants to talk about his feelings, it seems more accurate that he feels overburdened or overwhelmed, which is not an attack on you and not arguable. So, he should learn to communicate in a non-harmful way to get what he wants.
The chore division seems mainly fair, except for the dog. Did you two discuss the dog before you moved in? Because, by default, I would expect the dog to still be your responsibility – not a shared one.
Just an idea. So when he starts to feel like this it is always or usually when you are engaged in your hobbies at home while he is doing chores? He might see it like you are relaxing and doing something you enjoy while he has to do boring chores, so he gets sulky, lonely and frustrated. It’s silly, but possible. That’s why he would ask for a hug instead of a solution, because he also kinda knows it’s an illogical feeling of being left out rather than an actual problem with unfair distribution of house duties. And when he feels like you don’t “get” how he feels, he feels more left out thus prompting the doubt if you bring enough to the table. Maybe he doesn’t understand how to word it better. He knows he needs something from you but doesn’t know exactly what. But he also cannot expect you to hug it away every time, although the attention you give him in this way might make him feel better in the moment.
Do you do your chores when he is engaged in his hobbies at home? If you do, does it feel like you are missing out on something in those moments? Does he have hobbies? Are they in or outside the house?
If this is what is going on, I would propose a solution. He must understand that your time is your time, and he should learn how entertain himself during it. Can he leave the house to do his fun stuff when you are drawing? Can you both do chores at the same time, and have individual down time at the same time? Do you have fun together? Walk the dog together?
Moving in together is a big thing and it takes time, compromise, problem solving and a lot of discussions to make it fit.