Mid 40s married couple. I (M) sometimes just want to fuck. I don’t say anything because it feels like I am begging for it. Some times I just want a bj but yet again say nothing because it feels like begging. It’s not like we don’t have sex and we have fun doing it. It’s just the times in-between that she may not be as into doing something sexual as I am. I am sure it’s all in my head and probably me missing the random BJ’s I got when we were younger. So amazing people of reddit please tell me it’s ok to ask and it’s not begging…. Or is it?!?
Edit: nutshell version. I am talking about asking for “quickie” sessions not wine and dine romance sex.
48 comments
Vulnerability. Fear of rejection and the insecurities that you would be forced to confront if/when she did say no.
We all face these emotional challenges in one way or another, so you’re definitely not alone. That doesn’t make it any easier. Looking in the emotional mirror is fucking hard.
It’s absolutely worth doing, though. You have every right to ask your life partner for the things you want and you are still a wonderful, worthy person, no matter how she responds.
How about just finding a good way to open the dialog between you two? Some way you can communicate you are interested in something, what it is, and then figure out what your options are at the time.
Communicating your wants shouldn’t feel like begging. You just have to find some way to be able to say what you want, and then allow her to let you know how she feels about that, at that time. It could help her to be able to anticipate your needs and lead to a much healthier, sexual relationship.
There’s more than one way to ask. You can walk up and say, hey babe, how about a blowjob but don’t expect much from that.
OR… you could slink up behind her, hold her tight, whisper in her ear how hot she is, how hard she’s making you and how horney you’re getting just smelling her this close and after stroking her back and shoulders a few times, give her a look that says, I need you. IF she takes the clue and performs, afterward strip her down and get her a full and total body massage. If she doesn’t take the clue, just hug her and move on.
Soon, she’ll equate you slinking up behind her with great relaxing massages and bingle bango, you’ll never have to ask again.
1) — Could be that we spend a lot of life energy on life?
My current partner and I are super sexual, but sometimes they are not in the mood at bed time, even when they are teasing me all day.
Consider setting up a lunch date. Find a way to take 2 hours off at lunch time, have a small lunch, then tell her she looks hot, and you’d love to take her home, and touch her body– then surprise her with a bit of a massage– try to go at least 10 minutes before you get sexual, then do what you do.
2) — Is there anything you can improve in the experience for her? When you do get the opportunity, make sure you are being a giver. Really focus on getting her off. I find that if I give my partner a really exceptional experience, there is about a week of good karma coming my way.
Fear of rejection.
Maybe try having non-verbal cues, like, for example, if I’m wearing a G-String, that’s a way my SO knows I’d be open to it even if I’m not initiating it. Obviously the roles would be reversed there, but maybe have the conversation of “I’d like to initiate more sex, but I’m afraid of rejection. What’s a good way we can communicate that without planning sex”.
That or, shoot your shot, initiate by being loving and affectionate and see how she responds. As someone with the lower libido, sometimes it just takes that little something to get me where I need to be to be open to it.
Best of luck! Sounds like you’re a caring partner.
Normally I ask if SHE wants to have sex, it solves this problem.
When my partners want sex they just do the things that make me horny. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone be like, “Hey, can I get a bj?”
Why not do the things that turn her on?
I don’t have an answer for you but I will be reading the answers in this thread. I have a similar problem asking for my wants, which then causes me to be depressed when I don’t express my needs.
What it sounds like is that you’re not comfortable talking about sex and your sexual needs within your marriage. Asking for something could also feel like you’re pressuring someone or “begging for it”; especially when you expect someone to just do it for you. Also, if your sex life has changed you have to ask why. Perhaps you’re not doing anything that gets her to want to go down and give you random head. Things like, self care, trimming, working out. And you can also have foreplay out of the bedroom as well. Doing stuff like, washing dishes for her, take her out on dates, give her a massage, support and validate her feelings, touch and kiss her randomly could also open up more time and space for sex, as well as, making her feel comfortable and seen. If you’re also lacking on these other areas of intimacy, she’s not going to want to go down and suck you off randomly.
One thing you gotta do is be like, “hey wife, I’ve really been missing out intimacy lately and _______,_____,_____. I was wondering how you been feeling lately about that as well?”
Chances are she wants a good sex life too. And if she says something like, “yeah i just don’t feel it with you anymore” then say something like, “tell me more about that”.
You can do it.
I’m 23 female and I also have to basically beg or initiate any type of sex/sexual acts
It truly hurts me that my husband doesn’t seem interested in being physically intimate with me.
I’m being to question how long I want to be in a marriage like this
20+ years of being together with me and my wife. She’s always had a low sex drive and she tried treating her hormone imbalance, but that left the whole family miserable. Bad side effects mainly.
I came from a family where my mom and dad weren’t intimate either. My mother was raped repeatedly as a child (didn’t find that out till after she passed and my aunt came clean.. my mom was the oldest and her father, and after he passed the new stepfather raped my mother and my mom took it so her sister’s wouldn’t have to) this led to a horrible family dynamic where once my younger sister started to develop, my mom protected and pushed us away. My dad focused on what my mom focused on not knowing the history and he worked on paying attention academically to my sister. As long as I got good grades I was completely ignored and had the freedom to do whatever as long as I phoned in.
When I started dating my wife everything was great. Once we were married, we moved up to a king sized bed. She explained that this is how she really is.. and by that time our first child was there and also I broke my back. So intimacy was pretty much off the table. Last 18 years I’ve had sex maybe 12 times. I did my best to please her, but as menopause started to hit there was nothing that interests her.
I used to ask, but I feel that it felt like begging. There were times she would say she’s interested, but when we would have a moment, nothing happened, headaches, tired, insert any other excuses. the last two years I have just plain given up asking all together. I’ll walk by and kiss her on the cheek, slow dance randomly and slap her ass here n there but there’s nothing going on in-between the sheets. I’ve just accepted this is how it is.
I have nothing to give to anyone else and I would be nothing but a burden if I were to ever leave. I raise my kids, take my meds and just live alone in a house of 4…
It is absolutely ok to ask and it’s not begging unless you are begging and badgering!! Right now you aren’t saying anything at all so I think you are in very little danger of begging.
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If proactively asking feels like too much, maybe start with “oh baby you are so gorgeous it makes me want to XYZ” and see how she responds? If it’s positive then go for it, if it’s neutral or negative then you aren’t even really being rejected, you’re just giving your wife a nice sexy compliment to keep things alive.
That’s how I feel about BJ’s! My partner says that I ask too often, but I’ve tested not asking at all for weeks and learned that if I don’t ask, I simply don’t receive. So I’m left feeling like I’m begging for it every month while she somehow feels like I’m bugging her for it. She’s never necessarily enjoyed doing it, but she used to do it all the time. I don’t really enjoy giving head either, but I still do it regularly to please her without her having to even think about asking.
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I feel your pain and frustration. I am in the same dilemma. Married 40 plus years and have to deal with the same shit. Anytime I feel in the mood I have to be the one to initiate any kind of conversation and or intimacy otherwise I go to bed without any. And if i follow through with it then my wife has no real interest or desire then it really feels so weird.
I don’t know if this will help but instead of thinking about it as asking, let alone, begging, think of it as *inviting* her to join you in bed.
An invitation is about “here’s something we get to do”. It promises an experience for both of you to enjoy.
In contrast, “asking” makes it about something she is doing for you. There’s no mutual experience being offered.
An invitation is as simple as asking “would you like to come to bed early tonight?” or something like that.
Do you flirt with your partner?
I understand how it can feel like begging. I (65m) felt like that for a while, until my wife (67f) told me to knock that shit off and just ask her. We’re well matched, she generally wants it as much as I do, it’s just that we’re both busy people and she needs a little more time to have sex. Once we established that, it was a huge confidence boost to me. Now when she occasionally does turn me down, it’s NBD, I know she’ll make it happen the next day.
The other thing that really helps is our “culture of intimacy”. We touch each other constantly, often in pretty sexual ways (when we’re alone at home obviously). I doubt we go an hour without a butt rub, hands down her shirt, long face to face hug with kissing, shoulder rub with neck kisses, etc. It’s like we never stop making love. We have sex about every third day, so this keeps it in our minds, we’re always planning ahead for the next time.
The only time we have a real quickie is first thing in the morning, if we happen to wake up at the same time and it’s about the third day, we might just roll over and stick it in. It’s really fun. Other than that, I’m already having about as much sex as I can, so it isn’t a matter of me wanting it more often.
I realize my situation is different from yours, but hopefully there are some ideas here that could help you.
I am on the opposite end of this and it suuuuuuuuucks. I hate asking. I would be happy with every day but I know that’s not realistic, but even asking once a week makes me feel awful!
Here’s the thing, truthfully I rarely do “quickies”.
I like sex where we’re both turned on, otherwise I’m just offering you a service. Just like women struggle to conceive of how horny men can get (I believe this is true), men seem to struggle to understand how shitty it can feel to feel obligated to perform sex acts for someone when you are completely unaroused. Trust me, most of you wouldn’t like it.
Granted, there are periods of time in my marriage where we’ve been really sexually connected and fucking a lot and my libido is pretty generally amped up, in which case it’s pretty easy for me to do a quickie or a blowjob. But you know why? Because I’m my arousal comes online easier and a lot of work was put in for us to build up a long-term, sexual connection. So when my husband asks for the BJ, we are already in a sexual zone where the request comes across as sexy rather than a request for a service.
But yeah, if we’re generally not sexually connected due to stress or life circumstance and I am not in a sexual mood – no I DO NOT want to do sexual acts just to “get you off”.
There are pretty easy ways to get me in the mood and then ask. I am receptive to that offer. I don’t know why we need to classify that as “wine and dine romance” – it’s some mild effort just to ensure that I am also going to be into the act at the most basic level.
Truthfully, I don’t feel bad not doing it if you aren’t willing to work with me and use some of your horny energy to get me a little worked up.
Speak to your wife outside of sexual situations, and say, there are times I just want a quickie. What’s the best way to say this to you. So I don’t feel like I’m begging.
But realize, a quicky usually implies little to no foreplay. A BJ for you means nothing for her.
So you are really asking (and there is nothing wrong with this if you are willing to reciprocate) is for selfish sex, you get off she does the work.
If the two of you can come up with a communication method where you both can ask each other for that, wonderful.
Late twenties/early thirties couple here.
Lots of great comments here already about vulnerabilities and fear of rejection.
So to answer your “begging” question; asking is absolutely not begging; begging would be pressure after she already said no.
One thing my hubby and I do to “ask” without asking is to be playful; if he’s horny just out of the shower he’ll helicopter at me and if I’m game I’ll prince on him and if I’m not I might just wolf whistler or wink and if I don’t get up or move towards him he knows that’s a no or I might tell him I need a shower first too etc.
I’ll also go jump in him and wiggle my eyebrows and say something like “hey you wanna boinkity boink? You wannnaaaa boinkboink?” With a weird voice.
Not everything has to be wine and dine, sexual tension romance and passion. Sometimes it’s nice to just have a tickle fight turned quickie. Keeps things fun. Adults need more fun in their life.
Listen to the:
Come as you are
podcast!
Especially the episodes on hornieness and desire! Really explains it all!
When you are alone with her sometime, randomly grab her and tell her you want to taste her. Give her oral. Tell her how sexy she is to you and how much you want her.
In my experience of more than 30 years married this works and I would be very surprised if it’s not reciprocated—maybe not the first couple times—but soon!
Also random compliments and quick kisses throughout the day really help.
I (f) wish that my guy would just jump me. I miss making out and having quickies.. We now have sex like every 3 weeks and I miss it. He’s always tired. And like you I don’t want to beg.
Start communicating more with your wife…communication will resolve many problems don’t be afraid to talk it’s your wife altogether right
I feel like a woman is muuuuch more likely to go for a quickie and reciprocate if you approach it as dying to give her pleasure vs. dying to get a blow job. Just an idea, from a woman who would be totally up for that but not up for my partner just asking for a bj. Then there’s no way you can view it as begging, imo, if your plan involves the pleasure of both of you.
You’d be surprised how many people would LOVE it if their partner straight up asked for a quickie sometimes. Just don’t turn it into constantly asking (cuz that IS begging)
Have you actually been rejected? Or do you fear being rejected? If it’s the former, you can approach your partner to share how that made you feel in the past and how it’s influencing your behavior and self confidence now. Maybe that will break the ice. If your spouse is anything like mine they may react defensively to the feedback, which will open up a whole new can of worms. If it’s the latter and you fear possible rejection, why not try it out and see how it goes? If she does, in fact, reject you, just go back to step one.
Well I’m here for you
Do you ever spontaneously eat her out without having it lead to piv? Maybe you acting in a more spontaneous way will inspire her to do the same?
Please just ask. So many marriages are ruined because of nonsense communication.
Because sex is not something you should ask for, but instead you should create the opportunity for this to happen.
If you do not want to handle all this burocracy, you should hire this as a service.
I always grab my wife’s ass or rack or kiss her neck when I’m in the mood and she’ll either let me keep going if she’s in the mood too or just say “don’t bug me” and I’ll try again later. I do this basically every few hours every day.
Nothing wrong with checking to see if she’s in the mood. It’s not begging, it’s more like…sticking a meat thermometer in frequently to check if the steak is cooked, keep doing it til it is.
Learn to Communicate your wants and needs
I think it’s probably do to fear of rejection and being vulnerable it’s hard to ask for just sex when you feel like you haven’t done anything to “earn it”.
Not that sex should be used as currency or anything but I can understand why it’s be harder to ask for just sex when you haven’t done the wining and dining tbh
Grab her and kiss her passionately, turn her on, with your kiss, use your hands and hint at what you want by feeling her up. I don’t see why you’re wife wouldn’t want that. One thing I’ve learned is that women want to be desired. Specially your partner, and by you. Make her feel desired. Desire her.
It works for me. Hopefully it works for you.
I’m 20, always down but have sex like 2 a week if lucky because same, it always feels like begging and my partner sees sex as a way to just blow off steam when stressed, not really for fun and passion…
It’s okay to ask and it’s not begging but I get what you’re saying.
I think it stems from fear of rejection. I’ve learned it helps to talk about it and how you’d like it to be initiated both ways (if it isn’t already).
Had similar issue, talked it over and seems to be on the right track again. Talk to her, text if too embarrassed. Just be honest and explain that you just want to keep it fun and not same same all the time. Surely she’d understand that. If she blows you, go down on her too. Make it fun for her too.
Do you ever ask? If so, what is her response?
There are a few ways you can approach this.
If the concern is that an outright question (would you like a quickie? Im feeling frisky… would you be down with giving me a BJ or mutual oral sex?) with an outright “no” (or “I’m not feeling it”, “maybe later”, etc.) is what makes it feel like begging or what stops you, then you can discuss with her other (more indirect) ways for you to initiate a quickie.
I would suggest asking her to have a chat to discuss this when both of you have a decent amount of time and all physical needs are met (i.e., not hungry, tired, in pain, etc.). Let her know that you would like to initiate more spontaneous sex, but struggle with a direct ask. You have some options of other ways to initiate sex, and want to know if she would be open to them. Next are the suggestions.
You could wear a particular piece of clothing. A bracelet. A certain pair of underwear. You could have something on your dresser, bedside table, coffee table, that when moved or taken out signals you’re interested. She could do the same. If you have kids and you’re putting it in the main living area, you’d want it to be something not sexual and probably something that wouldn’t arouse suspicion. It could be something that you put out, and then she turns upside down, or sideways, to mark that she is also into it.
If you are both physical with each other in general, you could ask about just getting more physically intimate with her as a way to initiate sex. If she isnt in the mood, she can stop you when things start to get hot and heavy. You would start by Touching her body more. Giving her more kisses. Longer, lingering hugs. Kissing her neck. Running your hands up and down her body when you kiss instead of just a quick peck. If she is open to it, of course. She may not want you to deepen physical intimacy without prior agreement.
You could also keep the “fires of desire” burning more in general with her. Raise her libido. Flirt with her via text during the day. Bring home flowers, her favorite candy, a sweet card or note. Whatever it is that brings her joy. You don’t have to wait for a romantic night to do sweet things for her. If you do this randomly, even on nights you don’t have sex planned, you are much more likely to get get those quickies.
If she loves physical touch, you can also give her more physical touch in general. Touch that doesn’t lead to sex per se. Just show that she is desired. Wrap your arms around her from behind when she cooks. Give her a 30second to a minute long kiss every day when you get home. Cuddle on the couch instead of sitting apart.
If she doesn’t want any of these suggestions, ask her what would work for her as a non-verbal ask for a quickie? Or does she always need foreplay? She may need some kind of lead up. If so, what does she need to “get there” and want the sex? Find out.
I also recommend reading “She Comes First”, “He Comes Next”, and “Mating In Captivity.”
Good luck.
Edit: typos
It was meant as a joke. Spanish fly doesn’t work as far as I know anyway. I have a bad habit of saying outrageous things with a straight face. At work a bunch of years ago, this temp, a very dramatic and loud African American woman, came in and asked where the boss ( The boss was the subject of nearly everyone’s ridicule )was and I said “oh my God, you must not have heard, David has passed away”. I spoke slowly and to took my own horn it was a good acting job. After I had convinced her that he had indeed died I slowly walked away. She walked the other direction with her head down. I then heard yelling and terrified screaming “You is supposed to be dead, he said you dead, etc as she turned around and accidentally walked into David. Well, fuch em if they can’t take a joke. Sorry, this is supposed to be about sex isn’t it?
So tell her.
Some time, after a good sex session, mention that you’re turned on by the idea of a random bj or quickie and by her initiating.
Maybe try complimenting instead of asking a question.
“I love when you surprise me with kissing and blow jobs, I’m very lucky”
Vs.
“Can you blow me more?”
You can also lead by asking her what she misses/wants more of. She might be afraid to ask too.
Gosh, what a great question!!! I wanted sex everyday and knew my then bf didn’t. Everyday I’d ask him “Do you wanna have sex?” He’d say NO, hurting my feelings, then he’d grab my breast and I’d spring into action. So I feel you. How about so it doesn’t feel like begging, say lines like: You turn me on so much. Let’s do it…..or…..I have the sexiest wife. I need your body…….or….I need to show my love to you. I want you now.
These aren’t begging statements, right? Does this work for you?
I second having this conversation during a neutral time, and just telling her this is what you want sometimes but how do I approach or flag to you that I’m ready to go without feeling like begging for it.
I’d also suggest you maybe not word it to her that way? That term ‘begging’ implies she holds control and has to capitulate / give in rather than giving her an opportunity to also be into it without feeling like she’s the ‘gatekeeper’ – that would totally put me off if it were me.
Maybe something like telling her sometimes she is just so hot and sexy to you it just makes you raring to go, but you want to know how to let her know that without her feeling pressured to be into it in right at that moment just because you are?
Hear me out
Do you spontaneously give her head solely for her pleasure alone?
Without wanting anything in return?
Try this occasionally
And eventually it will be reciprocated.
Spark the spontaneous joy back up for her
And she’ll want to do it for you again !
You can ask or approach her. There’s nothing wrong with communicating your needs.
However, you have to also be willing to accept a “no” if she isn’t into it.
There will be times where she is and there will be times she’s not feeling it. Can’t really force it or be pushy.