so my gf was hanging out w her girlfriends smoking, she was telling me about it and how they had fun and how a gay guy was dancing w everyone and gave her a lap dance. I stopped talking cuz that pissed me off and so she asks if I’m upset, if something happens like this usually I just consider it heat of the moment and I tell her it’s fine ima get over it nothings wrong. But I have a clear line I won’t let be crossed.
so I told her that it bothered me, she explained that he acted super gay (which apparently stereotyping confirms his sexuality) and that his balls were only near her face for like 2 seconds, she brushed it off saying shes sorry in a nonchalant tone and that it’s not a big deal. I told her “how would you feel if a lesbian girl came up to me and gave me a lap dance and put her tits or ass in my face?” She was silent and left
I don’t know if this sounds toxic of me or something or if I’m in the wrong but I wanted some advice and other opinions on the topic, I apologize to all of you and her if I am the one in the wrong here
TL;DR gf got a lap dance from a gay dude, I got upset, she left
25 comments
If she crossed one of your lines, you have to break up with her. Otherwise your credibility is gone.
I’d be pissed in your position. She got a lap dance from a fucking stripper! It is absurd that she can so casually dismiss it. But what is most telling is that she got silent the moment you flipped the script and asked how she would feel if you got a lapdance from a stripper. What she did was wrong, and something most people would consider infidelity.
bro these comments are whack you’re completely valid for being upset about this. some people will try to tell you that the lap dance doesn’t matter because he’s gay and it won’t lead to anything sexual in the future but that’s completely beside the point. “cheating” in terms of kissing or sex is not the only boundary that people may have in a relationship and it’s crazy to act like it is. you’re not being irrationally jealous for having a specific boundary in YOUR relationship that may not fall in the realm of what THEY consider cheating. i would be just as upset as you, and would expect my partner to take my feelings seriously
I would be pissed too if another guys balls were in my girlfriends face. Gay or not.
The reason she got upset and left is you made her think, and in thinking she realises that what she did was disrespectful to you and your relationship.
If you don’t have an apology from her in a day, dump her.
there’s nothing inherently wrong with seeing an exotic dancer when you’re in a relationship. but there is something wrong with seeing one when it crosses a boundary set for a relationship. sounds like she crossed a boundary. focus on that being the issue, not the dudes sexuality or anything else. and no, it’s not toxic to ask if there’s a double standard (which from her reaction seems like she thought there was). “rules for thee but not for me” type shit is bad, especially in situations like this.
Your comparison is spot on. He may be gay. But he is still a man, and she is attracted to men. The fact that he is gay, is irrelevant.
In your comparison, the fact that the lapdancer is lesbian, is irrelevant. You are a hetro man, who would still find it hot.
I think your gf just realised how badly she fucked up. Wait a bit and see what happens.
Good luck
I would dump her. She will never bring you peace in life.
No, you are not in the wrong or overreacting. I’m sure to her it was nothing because he was gay but that doesn’t excuse it. His balls were still in her face. This sounds like it was a clear boundary you expressed up front that she crossed. It shouldn’t have happened. What definitely does need to be addressed is how dismissive she is being about this situation. She doesn’t seem to understand why you are so upset. Good for you for reversing the situation to give her some food for thought. Maybe she will think twice next time.
Move on you dont need her one sided way she would dump you if a lesbian did that 2 u what if the giy was straight only pretending to be gay
She is upset because you didn’t validate her feelings and showed her the mirror. If she apologizes and sees her fault then it’s a testimony for her good character. If she doesn’t do it you’re better off without her.
That would be a relationship ender for me. I was uncomfortable when I thought the guy was still clothed. Balls near her face? Hell no. And her reaction when you asked her how she’d feel if you did the same was awful.
you really arent in the wrong its just a classic tale of “its fine when the woman does it”
Her response to your question about reversing roles should tell you everything you need to know. She knows she was wrong, and now she’s gaslighting you to try and talk her way out of it. You treat this the same way you would with a straight guy.
bruh, if one of my lesbian friends gave me a lap dance my gf would be furious, same vice versa.
some people don’t understand that boundaries are boundaries and can’t just be skipped across when you’re feeling a bit quirky.
Wait. Where were they hanging out that some dude is going around putting his junk in their faces?
She’s too sus, time to break up
You have a right to be upset. I would be pissed. I’m old enough to be your mother. Your feelings are totally valid. Would your gf feel the same way if you went to a strip club and had some woman grinding on your lap or boobs in your face? I doubt she would like it. Time to break up and you get a back bone.
Your feelings are completely valid in my opinion. It all depends on the boundaries you make in a relationship though as every relationship is different.
But i wouldn’t want my girlfriend getting a lap dance from someone else, just as i think that my girlfriend wouldn’t like me getting a lapdance from someone else, and to me that’s common sense.
Okay, but did you tell her this was a “line that you won’t let be crossed” before she crossed it? Every new couple needs to sit down and discuss boundaries in the beginning of a relationship. You can’t be mad at people for crossing boundaries that they didn’t know existed for you, but you are allowed to feel hurt that it happened.
To put this into perspective:
Sexuality is socialized. Studies have shown the only thing inherently sexual is sex itself; every other sexual response of the brain is learned.
Men and women are socialized differently, especially when it comes to sex. Men are aroused by the BODY of the type of person they’re attracted to. Women are aroused by THE ACT OF SEX ITSELF, and the level of arousal is highly dependent on context.
It’s very likely that you would be aroused by a lesbian giving you a lap dance, and she would not be aroused at all by receiving one from a gay man. Your brains are wired to find different circumstances and actions sexual. Speaking as a woman, if I were her in that situation, I would think the whole thing was funny. I wouldn’t consider it remotely legitimately sexual, I’d see it as a joke 100%. That said, because you’re a man, and how your brain would likely respond based on how your brain has learned to respond to situations like this, I think I would be uncomfortable with it if YOU were my partner and received a lap dance from a lesbian.
I completely understand this crossing a boundary of yours. But I do believe the two situations are kind of different based on how men’s and women’s brains are taught to work—not saying this means you should change your boundaries, but I think it should put you at ease about whether she had ill intentions. I really don’t think she got anything out of it or expected to get anything out of it. And she most likely did not think it would bother you at all.
Plz god forgive me for lol at “his balls were only near her face for like 2 seconds.”
The guy may be gay but your gf isn’t. The lapdance was inappropriate.
This must also be an age thing. I’m 39 and this wouldn’t bother me at all.
Come on. If my girlfriend or my wife were out with friends and got a lap dance, it wouldn’t bother me, straight or gay. Or even lesbian lap dancer. It’s not like they are building a long-term relationship. It’s not like they are having sex. It’s more about girls doing something fun and daring together than it is about love or sex. No reason to be so insecure.