Long title but I didn’t have a better idea.
So me and my boyfriend (both 22) have been dating for a few months and rather early in our relationship we discussed kinks boundaries and whatnot.
I definitely have more kinks and he’s rather vanilla, but has a huge pleasure kink and was willing to try most of my kinks so yay for me! He did have things he wasn’t comfortable with, which is completely understandable. One of these is choking me, since he’s a big guy and he’s afraid he’ll hurt me. He profusely apologized about it because he knew I was into that. I said to him that it was no big deal and I’m serious about it – he’s an amazing guy and I could have the most plain sex possible if that means I get to be by his side, so not including choking was totally ok.
Except a few weeks ago, while we were having sex, he randomly grabbed my throat and I’m ashamed to admit I came like super hard lol. After sex I tried to explain that while I enjoyed it he doesn’t have to do it if it makes him uncomfortable but he said that if I liked it then he doesn’t mind. He did choke me a few times after that, but I could see him acting a bit… awkward? After sex. So yesterday I reiterated that he doesn’t have to do it if he doesn’t like it, and he said “actually I… uh nevermind it’s fine, as long as you enjoy it”. I was rather tired and still half blanked out so I just replied that if he’s ever uncomfortable during sex we can stop at any time and I won’t be mad at him.
I don’t want him to think that my kinks are more important than his person… but I really don’t know how else I can get that idea across except telling him as plainly as I can. I know that his past relationship ended because his partner kept breaking his boundaries and I don’t want that to happen because as I said, I’m willing to leave a few kinks behind if that means he’s comfortable around me. What else can I do? TIA!
4 comments
Move his hand when he starts to choke you. I mean you’ve already told him and he’s not listening. You can tell he’s apprehensive about it. Now you have to show that you are fine without it. So when he puts his hand on your neck move it elsewhere and tell him in that moment you prefer him to do something else like touch your breast or rub your clit or something. He’ll stop doing it soon enough
>”actually I… uh nevermind it’s fine, as long as you enjoy it”
Kink unlocked
Turns out in the moment he found out that he really likes his hands around your dainty little neck.
But after post nut clarity he feels bad because men are socialized with a physical revulsion to hurting women even accidentally.
Mild dom drop basically.
Personally if we ever do breath play I have my partner have her hand on my wrist harder she squeezes harder I squeeze and vice versa.
[Obligatory harm reduction for breath play.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMcommunity/comments/zcl104/how_to_get_started_with_breath_play_the_right_way/iyx8tsp/)
As for Dom drop only thing you can really do is assure him you very much like it. But it’s okay if he doesn’t and he doesn’t have to do it unless he wants to. And cuddles.
Stop telling him to stop. He’s allowed to try and see if he is into it too right? Maybe be realised he does like it. He did start saying “actually i…”, which sounds like he wanted to tell you he is into it now but maybe feels awkward about it. Have a normal conversation about it where you ask him how he feels about the choking now and only tell him to stop if he actually tells you it makes him uncomfortable.
I strongly urge you to give up choking entirely. Jay Wiseman, the world-famous BDSM expert, explains why there really is no safe way to do it: [https://www.jaywiseman.com/SEX_BDSM_Breath_Closing_Argument.html](https://www.jaywiseman.com/SEX_BDSM_Breath_Closing_Argument.html)
If you decide to keep doing it, that’s certainly your prerogative, but I want you to at least be aware that this is a very dangerous activity.