I have been oversexualized by my parents since I was about 3. They would talk to me about sex quite often, even showing me their genitals. As a kid I did not know this was abnormal, in all honesty I felt special because this relationship with my parents. As I got older, domestic abuse became commonplace in my household. As a repose to my anxiety, I started masturbating to pornography around the age of 7. While other kids were concerned about race cars and baseball I felt insecure of my body and I felt like a freak for touching myself. I isolated myself from almost everyone and I found it nerve racking to talk to females because of compulsive sexual thoughts and the guilt that came with them.

When I was fifteen I was groomed by a adult who futher propelled my insecurities. My first sexual interaction was uncomfortable and terrifying. I felt so pressured into doing it and after I fell into further psychosis.

I started dating one of my friends. She identified as nonbianary and while I was never accepting of gender fluid ideologies prior to this, their gender identity made me feel like I wasn’t alone in feeling abnormal and confused. She also had experienced sexual trauma in her life. We never had sex, we never did foreplay or anything, though we were both anxious to have sex. We ended up cheating on each other.

I finally had sex with another girl who shorty became my new girlfriend. I think when we had sex I fell in love. I felt like I could trust her. But a lot of our sexual interactions became confusing as she was into CNC. And if you know what that is you know how awful it can turn out for some people. Our relationship became to much and we split.

I met the most beautiful girl in the world and she loves me. It has been my longest and healthiest relationship yet and I am so happy to be with her. We have a lot of sex which honestly has been good. However I cannot stop feeling awful about my body and mind. Sexual thoughts feel so wrong and I often contemplate suicide as I cannot seem to escape them. I don’t think I want to have sex anymore but when I’m confronted with the possibility I can’t resist. I fear she will leave me if I do not have sex with her, but it is too hard for me and it’s taking a toll on my mental health.

I have talked to her about this and she said she will stay forever regardless of whether sex is present in our relationship, but I just can’t believe that. I’m so scared and confused. I just want to feel love, I wish I never knew about sex and I wish it wasn’t taking over my mind pretty much every second of the day. I really hope I am not the only one, because I am the only other boy I know who feels this way. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be ok with my body and I do not know how much more of myself I can take.

She is more then a girl she is my bestfriend and I wish I could make things easier on her. Somebody please help me.

3 comments

  1. Remember there is nothing wrong with your body. All those previous experiences have clearly taken a toll on your mind. I strongly suggest please find a good sexual therapist.

  2. Hi there: thank you for posting here and sharing your story. Points in your story made me cry: so firstly my compassion towards you & hope u heal soon.
    I think your childhood trauma & experiences has given a negative connotation to sex. So on the one hand u like the action of doing it, on the other after doing it u feel guilty. And that might manifest in your tone, actions, emotions after sex which might be straining your relationship.

    IMO you need to think to sex as a genuine physical act between two people who love each other and want each other’s bodies that much. Then guilt should go away. But this is a process that will take time esp knowing things you have been through

    Never think of taking your life pls: life is too beautiful to give it away. You just need to see perspectives & appreciate, things will fall in place.

    Knowing the complexities in your case, I recommend professional help immediately. A psychologist or psychiatrist should be able to assist in the healing.

    Hope this helps
    All the best and pls do take care of yourself

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