I’m finally letting go

I’m not looking for advice though I’m sure I’ll get lots of opinions and I’m welcome to it. I need to hear to harsh truth.

I’m writing this because I’m finally letting go of a person I thought I was in love with for 3 years.

I met (we’ll call him J) J at the end of 2019. We matched on a dating app. We talked for a while. We talk about how neither of us wants children, talked about our goals, and talked about what we are looking for in terms of a relationship but after a while we just stopped talking. I moved on. I deleted the app but I had already added him on all my social media platforms so he was still around. Fast forward a couple months and COVID hits American and we “shut down”. So I think we were both bored and started talking again.

From there it went very fast. We met for the first time during this time frame. I went to go see him and I ended up staying with him for a solid week. It was honestly great. I think we were both caught off guard by how quickly we fell for each other. We said ‘I love you’ for the first time during this time and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. At some point I needed to go home so I did with the understanding that he would come visit me soon. Now, I was a different person back then. I wasn’t as emotionally mature or just mature as I am now. I know that I was needy and insecure. He did come to see me but it felt different. Like he was hiding something. At the end of the visit, I remember feeling very insecure about all of it. I did bring it up to him and he said that “it wasn’t his job to make me feel better and secure” he proceed to ghost me for 3 months. I was heartbroken.

He then proceed to text me at the end of those three months like nothing happened and like an idiot I went along with it. So from this point on we went through a period of meeting up, having a wonderful time, saying “I love you” to each other but then something would happen that would cause an argument. Lots of me calling him out on his dishonesty and behavior and him having nothing to say. I don’t want to make it seem like I wasn’t faultless. I absolutely had a bad temper so these arguments weren’t calm. Then he would always say that I reminded him of his abusive ex because of the yelling. And I agree now as an older and wiser person that if you can’t communicate calmly, you shouldn’t be in a relationship. Finally in November 2020, I was done. I said goodbye and I don’t think he really thought that was it but I said goodbye and I meant it. I blocked him on everything. At some point, I caved to peer pressure and I joined a popular social media app. He found me and went through a cycle of liking all my posts and would wait for me to respond (I wouldn’t because that’s not a valid form of communication) and because I genuinely wanted to move on. But if I’m being honest I never got over him. I pined after him for a fucking year. But he never put any other effort so I never reached back out.

On New Year’s Eve night of 2022. He created a fake profile and messaged me. And I caved. I missed him and I thought “if it’s been over a year, we might be able to make this work”. The first time we meet up this year, he told me he loved me. When I said it back he said “do you mean it?” And I said yes. But the cycles started again where we would have these great encounters where he told me he loved me, said that he missed my laugh and how much he loves it. I have a memory that I held onto for a long time. We were sitting across from each other on my bed (it was not sexual, we were just talking) and he pulled me into his lap and told me he “loved me so much”.

We kept the cycle going until about 2 months ago when he came over. This is where gets a little NSFW

We did our usual thing of talking/doing foreplay when I noticed the actual sex wasn’t happening. He kept finding a way to avoid it. After a while he suggested putting a condom on. Now I want to preface this by saying in the 3 years that me and J had sex we NEVER used a condom. I’m not against safe sex. I practice safe sex myself when I need to but when he suggested it, it caught me off guard. He immediately said that he just wants to last longer. Then proceed to have the shortest and most vanilla sex we’d ever had with a condom on. The rest of the evening was fine after that. We ordered dinner and just talked. Looking back I do realize that he wouldn’t partake in anything that would make him “intoxicated”. Probably so he wouldn’t slip up or have sex with me.

The next morning I started to initiate sex again. I could just tell by his face that something wasn’t right. So I asked him and he said that he was stressed and just thinking about all the things he needed to get done. We started doing foreplay and suddenly he stood up and went to the bathroom. Then he came back and asked me if I needed to go to the bathroom. I said I didn’t and he looked disappointed. Then he went back into the bathroom again. I rolled over and waited. After a minute I heard him come back out but he didn’t come back to bed so I sat up to see what he was doing. He was putting a condom on.

At this point I had had enough. I wanted him to tell me why he was so insistent on wearing one. So I said I didn’t want to have sex with a condom on. Honestly, If he had said he wouldn’t have sex without the condom, I would have said ok. we would’ve have had sex and I think he knew that. So he hopped on the bed and tried to seduce me. In all seriousness, I looked him dead in the face and said “I DO NOT CONSENT” he proceeded to shove it inside me. I was SA’d multiple times as a child so disassociating is not unfamiliar to me. That’s what I did. I don’t remember it. All I remember is that it hurt and it hurt for a long time after. When he was done, he crawled off me and tried to have conversation but I rolled over and didn’t say anything. We laid there for a long time in silence. I didn’t know how to feel but I didn’t want to cry I couldn’t so I got up and went to shower. I numbed myself he kept trying to make conversation but it was like listening to the adults in Charlie Brown. He finally told me he was leaving and I blankly said ok. As he was walking out he said “I guess I’ll talk to you later when you’re done being mad”. That snapped me right back and I calmly said “J, we’re not going to see each other anymore” he said “ok”, slammed my door and ran away.

I know what he did was unacceptable and it made me realize that I’ve been waiting for him to ask me to ask me to be his girlfriend again but why do I want to be in a relationship with such a garbage human? I don’t.

I’m not mad, I’m not even sad. I just want to move on and forget about the boy who strung me along for three years.