I(24f) had been staying with my parents after a huge argument with husband(29). Later we went for therapy together and patched up . Before I moved back with him , his dad ( his only close family.) died . His death was unexpected because he was only 52 and quite healthy . My husband was and still is very disturbed mentally. I have known about my pregnancy since I was at my parents house , I planned on telling him the day I move back to our home. But decided against it when FIL died because I thought he will feel overwhelmed . He was already having a very hard time coping with grief and loss and knowing that he is going to become a parent could make him feel burdened . Thats what I thought and I wanted to give him time.
He ended up finding out from my mom . She did not know I had not told him yet. He is very upset and mad now. He thinks maybe I still resent him for that argument in the past thats why I did tell him such a big thing.
He also said this news would help him cope with his loss in a better way and move forward faster .
What can I do to make this situation better ? I have not even apologised yet because honestly I believe I had a valid reason to not tell him.
Any advice will be appreciated.
tldr:
I hid from my husband that I am pregnant and he found out from my mom.
5 comments
*”I’m sorry I didn’t tell you and truly regret my actions. I foolishly believed that the news of my pregnancy and the death of your father would be too overwhelming. I should not have made that assumption and should have trusted that if it was too much, you would seek therapy. It won’t happen again.”*
At least, that’s how it goes in my head.
OP, you’re not your husband’s mommy. You don’t get to make choices about what he can and can’t deal with, especially about something that he can’t help but find out about in short order. Like, what did you expect to happen, that he’d get over his dad’s death before you started showing?
Apologize for keeping the news that he’s soon gonna be a dad from him, and give some consideration to why you feel the need to control his experience in this way.
(And yeah, I’d also suspect that it’s because you were still resentful. Even if it’s not true, it’s an easy conclusion to draw)
You should apologize. You wanted to keep it secret, but why didn’t you tell your mom to do that too? You made decisions for your husband, but you didn’t protect him properly while doing that. So it doesn’t matter how valid you think your intentions are, the reality is that this news of joy became news of exclusion.
You should apologize and ask if you can tell him again in the way you had actually planned. And then tell him in a special way. Put a photo of FIL in the background somewhere, so he’s still involved.
I hear a lot in this post about your husband’s mental health, and I wonder about yours? Being pregnant, moving away from your husband, not knowing if you were going to reconcile or if you’d have to raise a child alone or in a complicated situation… those are big things and they’re bound to cause some emotions. From what you wrote, it seems like you’re still processing your thoughts and feelings about this, and that’s totally normal. I don’t think there’s any right or wrong here because you’re both going through a lot. I can see that you’re worried about being a good partner, and I hope that your husband will show you that he cares about being a good partner as well, by recognizing the effect this situation had on you too.
You have a bigger issue here. The fact that you don’t either feel safe or comfortable trusting your husband enough to tell him you’re pregnant bc of how he might react is very telling. Either you’re afraid of him OR he’s so mentally unstable that you don’t trust him. And this is why you worry about timing.
He seems to have a lot of anger problems. His reaction to you telling him you’re pregnant is being angry. Not only that – but how it’s good/bad for HIM. Actually, your entire post has been about HIS feelings, HIS issues, HIS mental health.
How long have you been tip-toeing around him for? Your entire relationship from the sounds of it.
Thing is, you’re not feeling safe around him and it shows. And this is why you hid the pregnancy. This is what needs to come up. You don’t apologize to him until you can air this out.
Also, what about YOU?!? Are YOU ok? At a certain point you’ve got to prioritize YOUR mental health. Not just his. YOU have had A LOT going on and all I read is about HIS anger issues and mental health. This is not ok. Know that you’re living a roller coaster and this affects you too. YOU also need time to process, heal, and de-stress. This world does not revolve around your husband. You are part of the equation and right now you’ve got a major issue with that man.
It’s time to come clean, maybe go back to a therapist, have some honest talks about his explosive nature.