I know that title is vague and confusing… and I just don’t really know how to phrase it anymore. Fuck I think I even know the answer but there just has to be another way. Sometime I’m not thinking about, something I can think of as I write this.
Now. As I preface this I need you all to know. I consider myself an awful person for this as is. This does not mean you need to reserve your judgement on me, I know I deserve it. Maybe I’m posting this hoping for penance or shun? I dunno.
Me and my gf met about 4 years ago, our age gap is months-wise so we started dating about the time the two of us were 17. My gf, however, is MtF. I met her before she transitioned and we started dating as each other’s boyfriends.
It was until after about a half a year that we dated each other that she confided on me to tell me about her identity and her wish to transition. Her desire was to identify as a woman and to this day she is still unsure if she wishes to go through any sort of surgery.
Back when she first told me this, I knew without a shadow of a doubt I still wished to date her. I considered myself mostly gay, having never felt any real romantical attraction to woman after starting to explore my own sexuality (all other attractions growing up really feeling more like social pressure) but with her it was a no-brainer. I loved her before she transitioned. I respected who she was and still loved her as she trusted me with who she really was. I wish to love that person just as much. So I stayed with her. Have been ever since.
Now, every now and then I get worried over two issues.
One) Was me staying with her disrespectful of her identity? I love her and believe she was a woman all along and I am grateful she told me, but was I belittling her identity in a way by staying? I’d never wish to do that but I worry it may seem that way.
Two) Well… that’s the worst one. Part of me still yearns to date a man? It’s complicated but due to my circle of friends and what they do I am quite literally the only one with a girlfriend. Most of us focus on the field of writing and from both reading their stories/reading other stories online there is a yearning for some of the relationships there, all of them being male/male.
Now, I wasn’t born yesterday and I understand that within stories we tend to dramatize relationships. And if that was just it I’d chalk it up to that. But then there comes the other issue… me yearning the relationships other people have.
Something about their dynamics, something about them feels so fresh and liberating. There isn’t a clear cut on who is meant to take which role, they’re just lovers and it’s the kind of thing I wish to yearn. I wish I could say this is possible with her but so far our relationship has some pretty set roles I feel are what she desires. A more passive role in our relationship while I take the more dominant, not much of a balance.
Now, for the best and last issue… I don’t think I’d ever be able to let go of her.
Her situation at home, it… is not the best. And sometimes the way things look it feels like our future together may be her one ticket out of it. To take that away from her? I already feel bad thinking this but if I were to do so… none of this would have any point at all, I’d never be able to forgive myself nor allow myself to date ever again.
But yeah… like I said, I don’t expect an answer let alone a result… I am simply throwing a piece of this situation to the abyss hoping it makes the weight lighter.
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**TL;DR:** My girlfriend transitioned and I wonder if me still dating her invalidates who she is. I also worry ending things would leave her on a horrible situation back home.
1 comment
It’s fine to still desire a relationship with a man. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It sounds like you strongly desire that connection, and that’s fine and normal. You have identified something that is lacking for you in this relationship, and it’s a pretty major thing. Don’t overlook that.
Dating her doesn’t invalidate who she is necessarily, but it’s just not really what you want, and it’s wrong to date somebody you ultimately know you don’t want to be with.
My other big thought is that you can’t stay with somebody forever because you feel bad and want to save them from a difficult situation. It just doesn’t work. It builds resentment, and it creates a huge power imbalance between the savior and the save-ee. I’m sure you can see how that would develop. I don’t know all the details of her home life, but I find it unlikely that a future *with you* is her only ticket out of there. There has to be things that she can do, things that you can do for her as a friend, another relationship with somebody who truly wanted to be with her could be even better than yours. It’s good to look out for her, but ultimately it will have to be something besides a relationship with you that changes her situation.