I’m using this alternate account to post, because my husband knows my main.
I honestly don’t know what to do.
My (48) husband (45) and I have been together for 22 years, married for 18. We met when he was 23 and I was 26. We have two daughters, 16 and 13.
I want to say upfront, I love him, and he loves me. In many ways, we’re wonderful together, and I like to believe that we support each other.
A few years ago, he started saying he felt like we were in a rut. A mid-life crisis, I guess. He wanted to experience more from life. He felt like we met and got married when he was too young, and he missed out on all the fun stuff.
He opened up an anonymous Twitter account, and asked me not to follow or read his tweets. Around the same time, he said he wanted us to try experimenting with swinging/opening up our relationship. I didn’t really want to, but I love him and wanted to at least give it a shot. We did, on and off, for a couple of years. Corona made it more difficult to go out and meet other couples/parties, which was a relief for me. I didn’t enjoy it. I love sex and intimacy, but fucking other men I didn’t know just didn’t do it for me. But he kept pushing me to try again, meet other couples etc.
In parallel, he started meeting up with some of the people in the twitter community (we live in a pretty small country, and it’s a tight community). He formed a really strong friendship with a group of them – men and women. They started meeting up regularly. I wasn’t invited. When I expressed that it made me feel left out, or even jealous, he told me I was being ridiculous.
One day, I did what he asked me not to, and read a few of his tweets. The back and forths (on public Twitter) were extremely flirty, sexual, intimate, inviting women to send him nudes. When I confronted him, he told me I’m being ridiculous, it’s harmless flirting. I put up a clear boundary – it’s fine for him to have the space, his friends, etc, but no sexual stuff, no nudes. Etc. He agreed.
The friendship grew. A few of them started jamming together, and the group expanded. He started meeting the group once a week and in addition, some of them started having jamming sessions, with others joining to watch. I’m not invited.
One New Year’s Eve, he asked if I was ok with them meeting up. I told him that I was uncomfortable with it, and he brought me along. I felt really unwelcome – like I was cramping his and their style. It was obvious I wasn’t wanted.
One day, I received an anonymous email that said ‘Check husband’s twitter DMs”.
I asked him to see his DMs. Sexting and nudes. We had a huge fight, again. He promised he’d never do it again.
Then Corona calmed down a bit, and he pressured me to go to parties. We went to one, and I hated it.
The next day I told him that I wanted to close our marriage. He said that he wouldn’t accept that – that we both have needs and need to find a way for both our needs to be met. That night was the first time I told him I want a separation. He got a huge shock and told me it would never be an issue again. He loved me, and we’d close our marriage.
But it was still there, all the time – an elephant in the room. The constant hints about how he wants to experience more. Even alluding to wanting more with some of his twitter friends. He constantly said that he loves me so much that if I want to experience being with someone else, he’s fine with it – implying that if I loved him enough, I’d let him do the same.
Then one evening, after the most mind-blowing sex we’ve ever had – seriously, it was wild, and I initiated it, he said “you see, this is what I want to experience with other women.”
I was so heartbroken, I just said – ok. Go for it.
And I was like, fuck it, so I started sexting men on Reddit too. It was fun for a bit, then I found it empty and soulless.
Of course, he turned straight to a twitter friend (woman).
After a week of this, I couldn’t take it and again, asked for a divorce. My parents got divorced when I was 16, and it was absolute hell. I swore I’d never do it to my children. So for me to reach this point….just the constant knowledge that he wants more than I can give broke me. I’m not enough. Again, though, we closed our marriage.
But the friend activities ramped up even more. Day-long weddings, birthday parties, get-togethers on weekends and holidays. All of which, I, of course, was never invited to. So I’d make the best of it, planning activities with our girls, trying to repress the hurt and rejection I felt.
A few saturdays ago, he left around noon to hang out with them, and said he didn’t know when he was getting back. I went out for supper with the girls and he called from home at 8pm, asking where we were. He was upset I hadn’t invited him.
I run my business from home (several years ago, I quit my job as VP marketing for a tech company so I could be more present for my daughters). He works in tech and gets home between 7:30 and 8pm every night. Meals, activities, homework, studying, it’s pretty much all on me. I think he hates being home, but he denies it and says I’m being ridiculous. He also constantly says I’m crazy, insecure, and jealous.
Then one evening last week, he told me that one of his (female) friends is going through a rocky patch in her (open) marriage. How she never wanted it, but how her husband does. He was going on about her being such a “poor woman” and how hard it is for her. I just sat there, looking at him, thinking my head was about to explode. How could he feel such compassion for her, but do the same to me?
Yesterday I went and looked at his tweets. More of the same – how much fun it was to meet my daughter’s female teachers at the parent-school conference (I was there too, BTW) and make eyes at them and other mothers, pretty explicit sexual bantering with a few of his female friends, etc. Again, I felt humiliated and disrespected.
Since then we’ve been at each other’s throats. I feel like I cannot take another second of this shit, while he says I’m behaving like a lunatic and I’m crazy for wanting to throw away our life and break up our family over his friendship with them. But it’s not like any friendship I’ve ever come across. I feel like I’m in a kind of polyamorous relationship with him and them. I’m not kidding, it’s like they’re all soulmates or something.
To give context, he sees them once or twice a week. Sometimes in the evenings, sometimes on weekends. He chats with them constantly, throughout the day. They’ve also recently started talking about going abroad on a vacation together.
His POV, in a nutshell, is this: He loves and adores me, wants to stay married to me, but he needs his own space away from me. He needs to feel desired and admired by others.
Yes, I got a recommendation for a therapist and left a message. But in the meantime, I feel like I’m going crazy.
Edit to clarify – during the time our relationship was “open” we agreed to swing together, never apart.
Edited to fix the amount of time we’ve been married. Sorry, been a rough day and I got a bit confused.
Edited to add how often he sees them.
25 comments
I’m sorry, but there’s probably no road back from this. The hope for the marriage would require 100% closing the relationship and him going no contact with the friend group. From what you have shared he will not do this. If anything he’ll say just enough, temporarily do just enough, to keep you on the hook so he has everything he wants. If I were you I don’t think I’d give him that chance anymore. The night he was empathizing with his “friend” for how much she is suffering while describing your situation exactly shows you how far he has checked out. He doesn’t even see you anymore, but doesn’t want to lose the illusion of his family. Get out and go now.
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He isn’t going to stop sleeping with other women or ignoring you and going out with his Twitter friends. You’re not even a person to him, you’re “just” a wife and mom who runs the home while he’s out playing. He doesn’t think you’ll really leave and will say/do just enough to try to keep you on the hook.
You could try couples counseling but he seems pretty checked out of the marriage.
Why didn’t you ask him why he feels bad for her situation when you do not want an open marriage either ?
Why just think it? Why is it wrong for her husband and not him?
Idk I don’t think I can move past what’s going on in your relationship.
It’s not just his friend, it seems like he doesn’t even respect you. I would need some drastic correction here to continue to stay in whatever this relationship is. You guys sound like you’re sailing in different directions
You have endured a great deal – and none of it of your choosing . Do not seek validation and self esteem from your husband – the deficiencies are all his not yours . Move forward and regain your life not one based on mistrust untruths and one sided choices where it’s you that is always asked to compromise .
OP, drop that pos. Why are you driving yourself crazy for someone like that? You are not doing your daughters any favors being with him. None!
Girlfriend it’s time to face reality and move on.
He has shown you what he wants. He is behaving like an addict: a taste is too much, and even drowning isn’t enough.
Your only option is too accept that this is your marriage now, or divorce.
You can be loving co-parents after your divorce. He can’t or won’t consider your needs, or happiness as a person; he can only see his own.
People are selfish!! They kill me trying to have their cake and eat it too! You get the right to some happiness of your own too. Don’t let him guilt trip you into giving up your self worth while he’s out there playing the field with no disregard or respect for you. The only one holding you back IS YOU!! Take back your power and your control and tell dude to hit the bricks!!!
Why are you torturing yourself like this? Is this the example you want to set for your girls? That it’s ok for a man to treat a woman like daddy treats mommy? How would you feel if one of them got married and was being put through this?
Divorce this fool, take your fine self away from his disgustingness and give your daughters all the love you can. They deserve at least *one* happy parent.
Just commenting to say I’m so sorry for what your going through, I hope you do what’s best for you and find peace and you find your happiness again. Sending you hugs!
I’m sorry this has happened to you.
I never like to say to people “you should leave”, but you should leave.
You aren’t happy. This marriage doesn’t not work for you. And trust that your daughters see this!!
Walk away and start a new life that makes you happy and fulfilled.
Your husband doesn’t seem to actually want you, he just wants the comfort of having a home and family to come back to. Let him go out and find his experience, but let him do it alone. He doesn’t need to pull you down to do it and you definitely don’t need to let him.
Good luck!
I relate to you so much. One time with my husband (ex now), I tried to let go of my resentment over the way he had been treating me, and dressed up in some lingerie. I was waiting for him when he came home from work and his response was “See?! This is what I’m taking about! You never do this!” And continued to rant in anger with me standing there feeling like an idiot. I can’t even remember if we had sex or not. He was the one that had forced me into a dead bedroom!
Turns out he’s a diagnosed sociopath and had been cheating on me for the entire relationship with random internet strangers. When I asked him “why would you have sex with everyone except me?” You know what this AH said? “Because it’s just easier.” Wow. I had never felt so inadequate and alone. And it turns out he had been lying and manipulating me all along just to have his cake and eat it too. No remorse.
All this to say, I feel pretty equipped to give you some advice here if you’ll consider it. Just leave. Now. The longer you stay, the more you’ll have to regret later. Get a lawyer, prepare everything in your favor, and serve him divorce papers. He can go stay with his friends. You’ve spent this whole relationship worrying about him, trying to cater to his emotional and physical needs, while he has repeatedly doubled down on ignoring yours. It’s time. Enough is enough.
Be the strong woman who raised these young ladies. Be the role model you wish you’d had growing up. Break the cycle for them. And break the cycle for you. You are so much more than what he thinks of you. His opinions are shit. Deep down you know this, but fear of the unknown is holding you back. I know. I stayed for over a decade when the flags were there.
Find the anger. Find it however you have to! I used therapy to find mine. That is what will fuel you to leave and to do it with dignity and self-worth. How dare he do this to you. How dare he!!!!! He’s so much more than selfish for what he has done to you and your life together. This man does not deserve you and definitely does NOT deserve to grow old with you.
Once you get him out and get the divorce going, you’ll feel so much relief. You’ll be able to finally breathe! Your life is just beginning. It’s an amazing feeling to be free from it all. You can do this. I know you can.
You don’t want your girls growing up & thinking this is how relationships should be. I know it’s hard but if he’s not willing to work on this together , you need to choose you.
Don’t look at it as breaking up your family or ruining your daughter’s life. Your husband did that with his actions.
Think of it as you showing your daughters that you can’t be a doormat and be treated this way. He likes having you to come back to but you’re not his priority in relation to the other friend group.
Give him what he wants with being single and let him see what it is with life without him.
You have evidence and you are female so you should have a good shot of getting most of the custody of your daughters.
I would go see a divorcé lawyer ASAP and see what your options are. But be sure to send the evidence to yourself so you have it.
Sounds like your husband is going through a midlife crisis, with the talk of what he thinks he missed out on when he was younger. There’s a book on Kindle called “Detach and Survive: A book of self care for the wives of midlife crisis men” that might help you see the way forward.
ETA a couple of words
This marriage is over. Your husband wants to have their cake and eat it too. Your husband is still stuck at age 23 because to him that’s when the world stopped for him. The truth is you got to enjoy all of your early 20’s while he did not. Men mature slower than women. To him this isn’t a midlife crisis, because he’s still stuck in his 20’s. So really a quarter life crisis to him. With that in mind it’s time for you both to let it go and remain amicable as possible for the sanctity of your teenagers. Also watch them as they might react negatively to a divorce and may even blame themselves, or you.
Time to start the process and getting your groove back. I think you’re worth more than a one-sided relationship. Good luck.
He views you as a good friend he wants to have you around and wants mother of his kids. Possibly a status as a successful married man is also important to him. But he is not into monogamous relationship. You can’t accept this (most wouldn’t). You two are done. As for kids…
I’d start separate bedrooms for now and start exploring new relationships, try to move on (open with him about it). Disengage from him emotionally. See where that takes you. Especially given your kids have only so much time left with you and you’ll soon be empty nesters. If you find happiness with someone else, or if emotional disengagement under the same roof will be impossible to execute, then break the household.
Do all of this openly with him, try to salvage friendship. It will make it easier for kids too. Seems like he cares about you, and been mostly open with you, just monogamous/poli split is beyond reconciliation.
Girl … I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have a suggestion for you. Block him out of your heart. Focus on you. Do what makes you happy, start with little things. I know you’re busy with your kids and that must be hard too, but for now focus on what you have. You said you quit your job, why not start with finding a job you like? Even if part time. Start saving that money on the side. Do you have friends, if not, find a group, or maybe just one or two friends. You can use apps (tinder, bumble, etc.) to find more girlfriends, or maybe actually try finding a friend that is a man, that listens to you. He said he doesn’t care right? I’m sorry to say, apparently your husband doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t listen to you, and apparently, feelings only matter if they are coming from someone else. Don’t forget that. It sucks but this will be your driving force behind finding a life that makes you happy. Don’t look through his phone anymore or ask him questions about himself, you’re focusing on you now. Don’t look for him or anything, if he tries imposing himself on you (like wants to have sex, or hang out as a family) tell him maybe another time or if it’s family time tell him you’re glad you want time with the kids and pass them over to him, he can take them out, watch a movie with them, cook them dinner (whatever he wants) on his own with them. If he asks if you’re coming tell him, no maybe another time and spend it with yourself doing what you want or maybe your new friend ! Trust me there’s a lot of cool people out there, don’t write them off. If he gets Mad and tries to say you’re trying to make him mad/get back at him and try to look surprised and ask him why would I be mad? You doing bad things ? Watch him stubble on his words and then just say “I just want me time, and I’m happy you wanna spend time with the kids I appreciate that about you.” And let it be. Hell see you distancing at some point and try to woo you in some kind of way (just watch I guarantee he will) and don’t let him, you can accept gifts and gestures but remember, he’s only doing that to reel you back in so that he can go and do the stuff behind your back with his people, sad truth man. Say thank you (or no thank you when you find the strength to say no, try and practice saying no through little things) and KEEP FOCUSING ON YOUR SELF. Find happiness with you, that’s the only solution here, and from there you choose whether or not you want to stay with this man that steps on you, your feelings, and even your kids. You deserve respect and real love, I promise. Learn how to love yourself again and you won’t need him around anymore, he only brings you down hun.
Good luck. I’m sure you know what you want, but without the self love you are too scared to do it.
You’re getting plenty of the most obvious perspective here: open relationships where one person wants it and the other doesn’t rarely work. However, there’s an addition to this option, which is that you can set boundaries, expectations, and limits for your partner, and not engage in polyamory yourself. You don’t actually have to entertain other relationships to be comfortable with your partner doing so. Although, that doesn’t appear to be what you want…
The biggest red flag here isn’t the polyamory itself- consensual non-monogamy is a valid relationship structure. It is that you don’t mutually want it, you don’t want to be monogamous while your partner is non-monogamous, and ESPECIALLY- *your partner is not attending to your emotional experience of his non-monogamy.* Genuine non-monogamous relationships leave space for regular dialogue about jealousy, insecurity, and attachment, and those partners commit to working through those feelings. Not every extra-partner is available to people, even in long-lasting CNM relationships.
Your partner appears to treat non-monogamy as an excuse to no longer emotionally caretake your security– this is the opposite reality of successful CNM relationships. Even within relational anarchy, partners are accountable to how they impact one another.
Proceed with separation- you do love him, and you do support him exploring this side of himself, *just not with you as his wife.* If you are both dedicated to making this work, and finding the middle road, go to a poly-affirming couples counselor. Your husband is taking advantage of your lack of education on what CNM should be, that’s obvious– perhaps in an arena with someone who actually knows/cares about what they’re talking about/doing, he’ll discover he’s being a dick. Even by CNM standards.
He is maybe one of the worst cases!
You are not crazy, he is cheating even for an open marriage.
He doesn’t need space from you, it’s all space he is living in.
Please realize and leave this POS.
Girl. He wants to stay with you so you can raise his children and run the household and all of the perks that come with being married to you, but go be intimate with strangers.
Oh, and he’s also gaslighting you. That’s abuse.
The best parents are happy parents, whether that’s together, or separate. Ditch him and get every cent you can. You’ve been literally doing like three jobs, not even including running your business, so it’s fair.
Fall in love with yourself, and enjoy the 30-40 more years you’re on this planet.
He is gaslighting you to no end. Calling you a lunatic for trying to express your feelings, lying to you and making empty promises, he sounds horrible to be around. I’m so sorry but I truly think it would be best for you, him, and your children to separate. More than we realize, kids are sensitive to tension in the home, and “staying together for the kids” is often what drives families apart in the end. You deserve to be happy, and it sounds like you’ve really given this marriage all you could give. Time to prioritize your own wants and needs. Doing so will also teach your girls an important lesson – don’t settle for less than you deserve.
He’ll never be faithful. I would just end it. There’s no coming back from this.
He’s cheating with permission. He does NOT love you abd you are NOT crazy or ridiculous. Please see a divorce lawyer and end this with him or you will continue to be miserable. Staying with a man that is treating you like this and accepting it is NOT a message you want to send to your children that this is what marriage is about. Be a strong role model, mother and woman that you are.