My (26f) boyfriend (36m) and I have been together since last October, but this is our first Christmas spent together. Last year before I went home, I got him ~$600 worth of gifts and I basically got nothing from him but a $20 item that was something I already had and no thought put into it, not wrapped, no card. I’m not a super materialistic person, but I do enjoy thoughtful little things. I thought he might do better for my birthday, but once again, no card, no offer for dinner, nothing. I told him how much that hurt me (I’ve never had a SO do nothing for my birthday & I always go above & beyond for special occasions). Regardless, I spend hundreds on his birthday, took him to the nicest restaurant in our small beach town, and tried to make him feel special. I really want to get him things, and show him how much I care. But part of me is bitter because of how he treats occasions like this. He’s not a bad person, and he treats me pretty well day to day, but I feel like an idiot going all out and getting nothing in return. To get someone 1 thoughtless gift is just insulting to me when it’s the one person you care the most about. The entire year we’ve been together the nicest thing I’ve receivy, from him was flowers. He makes over double my salary yet I still do so much more. What is the most logical approach?
34 comments
How did he respond when you told him how you felt?
The most logical approach is break up with him, as he seems unlikely to become the man you want and need.
If you aren’t ready for the nuclear option, then get him a cheap and unexciting gift from now on. Ouch, that seems all kinds of unpleasant. So defer to the nuclear option.
You two need to sit down and learn about the different love languages together.
Whats the relationship like other than this issue? Does he put effort in in other ways? Do you generally feel cared for and respected? Have you told him specifically what your expectations are regarding major events?
I know you say you told him it hurt you he didn’t do anything for your birthday, but two things are important here.
1. How did he react when you said that to him?
2. Have you actually had conversations about gift giving, its importance to you and your expectations?
So for me, here is the thing, you never need to spend £600 on someone for a gift. My husband earns about 4xs more than me, I still don’t want him spending that much on me, I think the only way I’d feel comfortable with that amount is if it was a necessity, now I know this isn’t how everyone feels about gift giving, but I think you need to think/discuss a budget, because even if he can afford it, he might not actually be comfortable with accepting something that costs so much.
Second, some people aren’t good at gift giving, my husband is one of them, he tries, for instance he knows jewelry is always a good option for me, but he also doesn’t get my taste and has missed the mark a couple times, so now I mostly choose a gift from him.
I really enjoy gift giving and really finding the perfect gift. But not everyone feels that way, has the same connection, excitement of giving or recieving.
So really you need to talk about expectations, but also be willing to compromise, perhaps he’s not going to be good at gift giving, so show him what you like, send links of things etc. And also talk about budget, perhaps it’s best to keep it modest.
Although it’s good for him to understand its importance to you, you may also have to understand that for him it’s not important at all…then find a middle ground.
Edit: just reread that you had only been dating a couple of months when you dropped that amount on him for Christmas. That’s Too much, that’s uncomfortably too much for almost anyone in a new relationship.
You bought someone you had only dated a couple months ***600 DOLLARS*** of stuff and was mad he didn’t go similarly over board?
$20 gift was appropriate. Gift wrap isn’t everyone’s thing.
I get wanting stuff for your birthday, but based on Christmas I’m wondering if you reminded your new boyfriend of when your birthday was or just expected him to magically know.
How much are you telling him about events before hand?
Stop spending these ridiculous amounts of money on a new relationship. Tell him what you want ***before*** the event. If you’re not feeling appreciated then leave. I get being upset over the course of the year, but just the way you reacted to Christmas seems like you’re setting him up to fail and read your mind.
So I am very similar to the boyfriend, in special occasions I was raised that it’s smart to be frugal. Our gifts are generally sub 50$ and usually 1 gift will suffice. However we usually spend time together, dinner, games, etc. just a different thought process to think about. It very well could be as simple as that. I get that you want the effort and you’ll have to do your own evaluation on what you want from the relationship
It “maybe” a good idea to establish a price guide. I had very similar thing happen last year with my then gf. I bought her a pair of diamond earings with a matching necklace, she got me some second tabletop games (im not joking, and yes i was sad about it). I don’t care about the value as much as what they said about our commitment.
Anyways, the price guide is an idea. To make things more transparent, although maybe taking some of the romance out of it.
You chose to spend stupid money on someone you’d only just met. Then you chose to do the same thing again? That’s on you.
Either accept he’s never going to reciprocate or dump him. You can make choices you know.
Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who you believe “doesn’t deserve” a Christmas gift?
Not everyones into gift giving. Spending $600 on someone you’ve been seeing for the blink of an eye is fucking bonkers to me, tbh. I would have talked to the person beforehand and come up with an agreement on gifts. I’ve never been in a relationship and not had a talk about gift expectations. Even with my SO of 4 years we have the conversation every year lol. Things change, finances change.
Have you ever sat down with him and said “I expect this and that”? Thats nice that you think you shouldn’t have to, but clearly you do.
He may have debt problems. Do you know how he deals with money?
>What is the most logical approach?
Omg stop spending so much money on this guy. It’s really excessive to spend $600 on a gift for someone. Especially when they only give you a thoughtless $20 gifts in return.
This person does not appreciate gifts, so don’t bother spending money on them. You do this as a way to show you care, but he does not appreciate this in the way you want him to. It’s like painting a beautiful painting and giving it to a blind man. He just cannot understand or comprehend.
He sounds selfish and thoughtless, lots of grand sentiments and big gestures, but what it comes to reality, he’s just not able to make a real tangible effort. I don’t just mean monetary value if gifts but also just taking th effort to write a card.
If there’s something you particularly like and want send him the link and tell him to buy it.
Stop giving him gifts. Just a card. No night out either. Stop trying to force something thats not in him.
You should get him a $20 gift of something he already has.
And if it gets mad at you break up with him
Effort isn’t about materialism and you have to decide if you can live with it and be happy. Because it probably won’t change if it has not improved already
Don’t settle for less. You’re not married. Consider this a favor
Don’t buy him anything big this year. Get him socks, underwear, and a small nifty gadget.
Seriously, stop breaking your bank for a cheapskate. Spoil yourself instead!
I would never tell someone what they can/ can’t be upset or hurt over but reading your posts reminds me of my self many years ago. This is not an insult but when I had my first boyfriend in my early 20s I would start fights and get upset over fb and social media. Now I know to pick my battles and realize what is truly important. You barely knew the guy and you dropped that much cash on him and got upset when he didn’t do the same?
Have you, you know…
Talked to him about this?
A donation in his honor to your favorite charity
You only have two options here. Stop going above and beyond for his gifts, give him the bare minimum that he gives you. Or, break up with him. He is not going to give you what you want. He’s not going to be the man who planned something special for your birthday or goes all out on gifts. What you were getting from him now is what you were going to continue to get from him. You do not have to accept that if you don’t want to. But you do have to be willing to walk away.
Break up with him. He’s not going to change after 36. You celebrate him, he doesn’t celebrate you.
sit down and talk to him again. give him ideas. make it clear that you want gifts, you want to be spoiled.
If he wanted to make you feel special, he would. Why be with someone who has such little regard for how you feel?
You’re not trying to show him how much you love him. You’re trying to buy him. STOP IT!
Don’t spend hundreds of dollars purchasing gifts if you will be disappointed that he does not return the effort.
10 year age gap and your been with the guy for two months (unless you meant Oct 2021?) and already having these problems?
just break up, it’s not going to get any better
Match 👏 his 👏 energy 👏
Why people put more energy than they receive I have no idea. Jesus my 19 year old niece is in better functioning relationship than half the adults I see here.
Give him the same type of gift he gets you. Don’t go overboard with spending. Get him a gift card or something small. See what happens.
Why in God’s name are you spending so much money on someone you’ve barely known a year??? You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment.
You chose to spend several hundreds of dollars on him. Tone it down and quit going over the top and match his energy. Does he have children that he has to provide for in addition to child support and alimony too?
Make an Amazon list of things you like and periodically add things throughout the year. Then share it with him.
Let him know flat out what you want. My husband knows that every valentines day he gets me chocolate covered strawberries. Simple, I don’t have to plan it, and it’s what I want.
For Christmas we decided to try and figure out a splurge we can get together. Like a comfort add on to our house, a trip, etc. I’ll probably still get him something small like his favorite candy or something but nothing super thoughtful.
Gift giving is clearly your love language both for giving and receiving and it is not his. Find a good middle ground compromise. You shouldn’t have to put up with straight up throughlessness but also your expectations are too high. You are envisioning yourself getting gifts for yourself.
For birthdays, tell him he needs to make dinner reservations and get something from your list. He shouldn’t involve you in the planning but it is straightforward as I said before.
All I can say is that you should never beg someone to treat you the way you want to be treated. You mentioned in a comment that he told you how he spoiled his exes but doesn’t spoil you, I know this feeling. It feels like he’s just settling with you and not putting forth any effort because he does t have to. That’s not something that will ever change no matter how you try to explain it to him.
Look into the 5 Love Languages. It seems like one of your love languages is gift giving, and that that is not one of his. This is totally fine and doesn’t spell doom or anything BUT it’s good to communicate about so that you can learn each others love languages (how each of you gives love and also how you receive love). When he knows how much it means to you, he can be more aware and change his behavior. He likely doesn’t realize he is doing anything to hurt you. So communicate about it 😊
I will say that I started dating my now-husband in October (many years ago) and we hadn’t even officially said we were exclusive/girlfriend-boyfriend until New Years (though we certainly acted like we were). So I’m trying to think what did we do about gifts that Christmas 🧐 but I can’t remember. I think $600 was a lot to spend on gifts at this stage of your relationship (you are sweet) so I give your boyfriend a pass on that first Christmas. But for your birthday, that’s different. He should honestly know to celebrate someone’s birthday every year with at least cake and a card or a nice dinner! But, hey, I guess he didn’t think of that and so you should tell him. Tell him how you feel like an idiot too – basically keep it simple and calm, talk about love languages, state your wishes/expectations to spend time together celebrating birthdays, let him know that you aren’t mad about him but in retrospect it did hurt your feelings and now you just want to discuss it/see how he feels about gift giving, express why these things are important to you, and then ask in simple terms to set a plan for this Christmas so you guys can both feel special/see eye to eye/be on the same page.
If after talking things out/airing it in the open, he fails to recognize the importance of this to you this Christmas and for your birthday, then I would be really upset and *would* be mad/blame him/reconsider things.
And PS – stop spending so much on him until he can meet you at a similar spot in terms of thoughtfulness (even if not cost). My husband makes more than me so for big year birthdays he has taken me on a long trip abroad. For his birthday that year I couldn’t afford the same so I planned out a really nice long weekend a few states away, centered around a special activity for him. The cost wasn’t equivalent but the celebrations were, you know? I think that you are subconsciously building internal resentment by giving so much/not receiving it back (makes sense – so maybe lower what you give…and spend some of that to treat yourself to something nice!)
BEST OF LUCK! You probably give kick ass gifts haha I am thoughtful in gift giving too so I appreciate your sweet heart