My husband (M31) and I (32F) got into a really big fight, it seems… We’ve been together for 7 years in total (2 dating, 5 married).
He’s usually very affectionate, we hug and kiss all the time. He confesses his love every day, and while I’m not the type to say “I love you” so many times a day, I usually reply “I love you too”, or call him “My Love” in day-to-day talks.
Today is the second day that he’s acting cold and distant, with no affection and he refuses to say what is wrong. To my requests to explain he only says “I’ve been telling you this for 5 years and I’m done, guess yourself”. The only thing I could think of was sex problem – he said a few times that our sex life lacks variety… I thought, my efforts to improve it were visible, but apparently not. And the problem is, he doesn’t confirm or deny that it’s the cause of current quarrel, only says I don’t know”, which is intentional move according to his words, and adds “I’m not gonna repeat, and I’m done acting as adult”. I honestly don’t know what to do. I want to make it right, but I’m not even sure if that’s the problem… I’ve also been having troubles with my memory lately, and he knows about that…may I please have your advice? 😭 thank you in advance.
21 comments
Your husband is a fucking baby who doesn’t know how to communicate
Sorry this crap is happening to you.. What’s going on with your memory?
Wait a second…he’s telling you that an issue is so important you guys have had multiple fights about it to the point he’s tired of repeating himself, but you don’t remember anything that could do it?
I’m not saying you’re lying. I’m saying this is a fishy situation. Like alarm bells situation.
This isn’t reasonable behavior on his part.
In my experience, when this happened to me my ex was exaggerating a flaw so he could feel good about dumping me instead of just having an adult conversation that he wished to leave the relationship. Oddly enough, dude was cheating on me anyway. I’m not saying this is your man but just trying to wrap my head around how absurd his behavior is.
Girl… please go speak to a therapist alone. I’ve got a really bad feeling there is a lot more going on than what reddit is saying for you to go from I’m not sure why he’s mad to calling yourself a bad wife.
If you were such a horrible wife, he should have left you.
If you can’t see a therapist, please call a women’s shelter and talk to the counselor there. They’re good at helping you get resources and I think you would get a lot of good advice from them.
In the end, we did sit and talk. A lot of work for both ahead, but we’re both willing to work – this is the most important thing.
Thank you all very much! I will surely go to therapist myself, and we’ll do what is needed to overcome the crisis:)
Usually when someone else has their attention or attraction then they find multiple little things to fight about and blame you. You then become too busy trying to figure out what you did wrong that you don’t notice what they’ve been up to. Him saying his sex life lacks variety is telling of him. If you are having memory issues with activities, get a hidden camera in to record yourself. It can help you track where you are lapsing in your memory.
You married a man-child, what did you expect….
Get to see a doctor to see if you have any issue with your brain. You may have a hormone imbalance or anything for that matter that is easily resolved.
Sounds to me like your husband has just “given up”. I know that feeling!
What do you mean by it lacks variety?
Have you tried the French maid giving a sloppy blowjob? Yeah, in bad taste. I know but outside of working your way through the Kama Sutra I think only kinky stuff is all that’s left. I hear that some people prefer dungeons with a tasteful assortment of whips, chains and leather accoutrements but that is not for the faint hearted.
The ole “if you love me then you would know” tell you’re husband you’re not a mind reader and that when he is ready to communicate you will be there to hear what he has to say. I had an ex who would do this and when she would tel me what’s wrong she would go into a 20 minute dialogue that wouldn’t tell me anything. It was so confusing.
So he’s not telling you what the problem is.
That’s very manipulative of him. Either you’re not telling us the whole story, or something is going on with him.
Ask him if he’s willing to go to couples counseling.
Also – you say you have issues with your memory. What kind of issues? Are these actually diagnosed?
I understand this so much from your husband’s point of view. I have been in a situation similar many times. Why throw the laundry on the floor when there is a laundry basket that you can throw them into to help make things easier on me? Why leave the scrubber in the sink where we’ll have to throw it out since it didn’t dry out properly and now who knows what kind of ick is on it cause it smells nasty and why would you want that on your dishes? Why empty a shampoo bottle and not just throw it out instead of leaving it on the floor of the shower? When you ask for the other person to do these little things it’s because you want a partner, not an adult child to clean up after. And having these requests ignored repeatedly, you begin to feel like a broken record. You also start to feel disrespected since your requests are small things that should be easy to do. Eventually, you just stop asking and feel upset which also leads to feeling angry. And when that person asks “what’s wrong” you just think about all the previous times you told them the exact same problem and how it wasn’t important enough before, so how is saying something now going to really make a difference? I understand memory issues. But what it ultimately comes down to is, do you love him enough to put thought into how the day to day things effect him? Or are you just living your life how you want without even considering how these little things are causing him extra stress? A partner is supposed to work with you to make things easier, not make things more stressful. He might be questioning whether he even wants to be in this relationship anymore and trying to decide if this reoccurring problem is a dealbreaker. If he doesn’t nitpick about everything you do and he’s just frustrated with these little things that he has asked you repeatedly, you might want to try changing these little things and turning them into a habit before it ends up becoming the thing that ends your marriage… if he can’t trust you to take these small requests seriously and you can’t (or won’t) adapt to them, then what happens when something bigger happens? He isn’t asking you to give him all the answers to the universe. He isn’t asking you to change yourself. What he’s asking is completely reasonable. And saying that you change things for a while and then stop is showing that you’re capable of changing, but then you don’t actually care enough (or you get lazy about it) to make it a permanent change. That in itself (from an outside perspective) shows that you are only doing it to get him to stop being upset with you so you don’t have to hear it. It should be that you change some of the things you do because you love him and care about his thoughts and feelings… people who truly want to change, do. People who don’t, change for a short period of time and go right back to what they were doing before. It’s the same behaviors you see with people who cheat (though cheating is worse and an extreme comparison, it’s still the same concept).
so im gonna tell you your probably dead on with your guess. Heres the thing though while you been making efforts to improve your sex life he himself is probably wrapped up in his head and hes been trying out someone new. However he’s probably finding that hes still just as frustrated and is taking it out on you subconsciously blaming you for his inadequacies in sexual expression. Please know you have done nothing wrong unless your leaving information out. But yea most likely hes got a side piece and is just as frustrated.
Sounds to me like he’s showing you love how he would like to be shown. My husband is just like yours. He wants hugs and kisses, to be told I love him unprompted and he wants passion during sex. I, on the other hand, want to be shown love by him doing things to make my life easier that lets me know he pays attention to my daily needs/wants and is thinking of me (like him preparing my coffee in the morning is his equivalent to a hug)
Are you doing these things? Or as your post suggests are you only doing it prompted? As partners it’s our responsibly to get out of our comfort zone learn and know how our partner wants to be loved and do that for them. So if you’re never saying I love you on your own or just going and hugging him or initiating physical intimacy (no just sex as I do feel sex should never be done solely for the other person) then this is most likely your big issue.
In the same breath if you’re trying to communicate to get straightforward answers and he refuses to discuss it’s either bc he’s said it a million times and is tired or he expects you to just read his mind. If it’s the latter that’s also not good. Counseling may help if you find communicating through issues is a problem.
How hard is it to not. Leave the sponge in the sink? Maybe you habe add or something
both males and females think that by dropping hints our partners will be able to understand what the problem is or that we can read their minds, honestly some people are horrible at taking little hints or jabs here and there, i think he´s been a little bit childish or just downright frustrated, you might need to stand your ground and tell him that you honestly have no idea what made him so angry and that you want to work things out but there needs to be communication from both parties, also might be a good time to suggest going to couples therapy to hush things out
Please enroll in marriage counseling asap.
The problem is you starved him. Many people on here talk about love languages but forget that marriage requires to fulfilling each other and enjoying each other.
Selfishness is receiving. Selflessness is giving until empty.
The concept of marriage is broken unfortunately. It’s hard to learn what marriage requires. It means YOU CHOOSE TO BE SELFLESS!!
Get some help or less that husband you don’t value. Good luck!!
oh dear. say this ” babe, I’m so sorry I have a horrible memory. If you please put it in writing and reply to this in writing, then I swear to work on it with you. I am sorry I am desperate please I do not want to lose you and I am willing to work on it but please, put in writing what it is I have done or what it is you want to remedy…” … something like this.
Please get your memory loss checked out.
INFO. Can’t believe the advice given out with so little information.
Are you both working? Are you a SAHM? How are the chores split up between you both? Do you both carry the mental load at home?