I (22m) don’t know how to deal with my gf (23f) breaking up with me “out of the blue”
We’ve been together for 5 years (the whole high school sweethearts thing). We’ve been supportive of each other’s mental health over the years : me first, cheering her on to help her deal with diagnosed anxiety / low self esteem.
In the middle of our relationship, we split off for a bit, and I entered a dark part of my life. My bottle up depressive thoughts exploded and my mental health plummeted (right around covid). We contacted each other again as friends, and quickly felt confident enough to be friends, friends with benefits, and eventually back together (my mental health was way better at that point because of me seeking professional help).
Now that’s at that point that I got diagnosed with pretty severe ADHD as well as anxiety, which helped me realize where some of my weird behaviors came from, such as (it will be relevant later) :
– Difficulty to organize, and to plan ahead
– Low attention span
– BIG difficulty to hold long distance, message based relationships
– Depending of my mental health, high susceptibility to remarks / critics.
I must note she followed me through every step of me bettering my mental health, pointing out my weak areas for me to try my best to get better (I would agree this was sometimes slow, but I built habits and I was making progress).
A few months ago, when I was still living with my family (mom + stepdad), my horrid relationship with my stepfather eventually derailed so bad that I had to leave my home for my safety. Me and gf moved in together, even though she was reluctant at first.
Now living with someone with ADHD can be tiring, because I had basically no concept of routine/maintenance of the house, and had to teach myself how to be an adult for the first time (had an overbearing mother+ADHD).
I was trying my best to be the boyfriend she would want. I was cheering her on for her job and school (law masters), trying to be “a rock” for her to rely on. I was certainly not very good, but I was surely trying my best.
Anyway, she announced last week that she wanted to end things. I had been worried about this for a while, but when I asked specifically if she was unhappy, or if she had doubts about us beforehand, she said she was stressed at work and she reassured that she loved me.
She ended things over breakfast, and gave me almost no explanation except “I don’t think I love you anymore”, and vaguely saying it was for good. I had to wait 24h to get a semblance of answer about why she ended things so abruptly. She said that she didn’t feel valued enough, and that she didn’t tell me anything because she was worried I was going to k*** myself (I’ve had very bad thoughts in the past).
Whenever I try to talk with her (oh yeah we still live together until I find a place of mine) it revolves around how bad it was for her and what things about me made her leave. Basically it devolves into a “who suffered the most” argument.
She just said the breakup was the most sane possible, but to me it feels so traumatic. I have abandonment issues (which she was aware of), and her essentially throwing away a 5 year relationship like that freaking destroyed me. I feel like she doesn’t care, that she robbed me of the opportunity of trying to make it better. (She says that it was done in her head, that she didn’t want me to make it better. But didn’t I deserve to be part of the process ? To be able to talk it out beforehand ?)
I don’t know what to think. I get that living with me could have been hard, but why now ? My mental health is at the best its ever been I’m our relationship…
She wants to stay friends, but I feel like she doesn’t value my feelings or our relation.
Am I asking too much for explanations ? What should I do ? What is the healthy way to deal with this ?
I’m so fucking lost…
Edit : She says she wants to stay friends (we were always saying we would), but I have no idea how to deal with a drastic change in the relationship. I don’t even know how to really feel about her. Angry ? Empathetic ? Petty ? Friendly ? Neutral ?
Tl;Dr : My gf of 5 years ended the relationship abruptly, and I don’t know how to deal with it
2 comments
In a “if life was fair” way, it would be nice if she gave you more of a thorough explanation, but it sounds like she’s given you all of the explanation she’s going to.
At this point, all you can do is accept it. You don’t control her and you can’t make her give an explanation that makes sense to you.
And when it comes down to it, disappointing as it is, she has every right to decide she doesn’t want to be a relationship with you, whether her reasoning is good, bad, or indifferent.
I’d advise you to take your time to grieve, be kind to yourself, and see a therapist if you feel you need to.
Edit: I’d also advise, at least at this point, cutting off all contact and not being friends. Maybe you can revisit that later, but at the current point, I think it would be too traumatic to try to remain friends while you still aren’t over her.
It doesn’t sound like this break up was so “out of the blue” as you describe. You moved in with her just a few months ago even though you say she was reluctant. She was likely reluctant for good reason yet you moved in with her anyway and now she wants to end the relationship. Hopefully you can afford the place on your own or can move back in with your mom.