hey y,all. please tell me if im being immature or insecure or if these are real concerns. i dont have anyone in my life to ask currently so i figured id ask here
So I’m at a big impass here. I’ve been dating this woman for about 8 months now and I do really cherish her and love her she treats me incredibly well and lovingly and she truly is special. but were talking about making some big steps like moving in, and some stuff is really holding me back.
But there are so many “stereotypical” red flags that pop up when I really think about our relationship. It makes me question us but I’m not sure if I’m just being immature or insecure and letting that affect something that could last. I was cheated on in my last relationship and it destroyed me and I’m sure this is affecting my judgment.
**She has mostly male friends, and I am almost 100% sure that a few of them have feelings for her.** her best friend in particular acts in a very respectful way, (I never think he would make a move) but he definitely cares for her more than a friend (tries to defend her when others pick fun at her, offers to pay for everything for her, and many other intimate actions that make me feel uncomfortable). she hangs out with many of these people 1 on 1 and we’ve talked about it. She’s known these people for 5-10 years so I would never suggest she stop talking to these people. She’s very mature and loves me, I trust her. but I’ve been cheated on before, and all the advice I hear is to be wary of these situations.
**She talked about her “promiscuous phase” frequently when we first got together.** she would mention how she had a phase after her relationship and would bring it up quite frequently (it would make me uncomfortable and honestly unattracted to her). I expressed how I didn’t like hearing about it and had to bring it up 3x for her to finally stop mentioning it.
**Almost all her female friends cheat on their boyfriends.** she tells me about this often. she recognizes that her friends are fucking up and that they’ve made mistakes but it just gives me such a bad feeling.
**She frequents hooka bars where there are some “questionable” connections and I don’t like smoking.** I have chronic health issues, and she agreed not to smoke around me, and it turns me off to see her do it. but it’s all she wants to do. she talks about it all the time and she said she would stop once she has a baby, but then will immediately backpedal and say “well maybe once a week” after saying something like that.
**she speaks harshly/rudely to her family.** but shes incredibly kind to me. shockingly kind. I just don’t know if ill eventually “become” the family that she speaks rudely too and regret my decisions.
TLDR:red flags making me question a relationship but I don’t know if I’m letting insecurities ruin something good
4 comments
Yea bro, i’d say stop being exclusive with her
You and her have different lifestyles and different way of thinking. It seems really probable that one day one cannot stand these differences and breaks up.
I don’t wanna live with many annoying thoughts, I would break up.
There’s definitely enough there to be concerned about. If it were me, it’d probably break up with her or at least cool down the relationship. If you like her that much, keep dating her, but keep an eye on these concerns. I wouldn’t go “all in” on her yet. When more time goes by, you’ll see if things get better or worse.
8 months is not a very long time. If she moves in with you, will she be smoking there? Would that impact your health issues? I don’t see any problems with male friends, especially if they are respectful as you say and they have been friends a long time. The family thing, that can differ for individuals, maybe her family just is used to that and that is how they talk. Does she talk to anyone else like she talks to her family? If not, it’s probably just a family thing.
I don’t feel like these are real red flags. However, I would wait it out before moving in, maybe after 2 yrs?