What is with the disdain a lot of men seem to have toward single mothers?

27 comments

1. It’s just an extra hassle

2. They point to the ones on online dating apps. The ones on these apps are exceedingly demanding, entitled, and confrontational towards men. They try to twist things around, making it seem like men should consider them a prize or catch, when in reality, the man coming into a single mother’s life is the one likely making more compromise if he doesn’t have kids himself.

   Ones off the apps though, I haven’t found to be much different than single women without children.

3. It’s not a matter of disdain or discrimination: nobody wants to raise a kid that isn’t theirs. Just an extra obligation for a relationship that likely isn’t worth it.

4. No disdain. It’s just that a lot of men don’t want to date single mothers.

5. I think it’s all dependent on the situation. After my divorce I dated two ladies that each had kids. They were all great! The single moms were hard working women who took care of business. I think a lot of the disdain may be for those mothers who are obviously just looking for a man to take care of her and the kids.

6. The fact that 87% iirc of custody battles are awarded to women and not men could be a part of it. Also the fact that the child isn’t getting an upbringing with both parents. It’s also possible that the bitter mother is teaching the child to hate his/her father.

7. I don’t look down on single mothers. You do what you have to. I get it.

   I’ll just say that single mothers look right through me. I think you all can tell I’m not Dad material. I don’t want kids and even if I did, I don’t exactly have the skills needed to be a competent parent.

8. Because we all give money to support their mistake and the rates of their children having problems and committing crimes is excessively high.

   And now they’re trying to shame us for not wanting to date them

9. I don’t have disdain for them at all.. and I can’t really say that I’ve seen it from other men towards them either. If anything, I think single mothers that are good moms to their kids are amazing, strong people, especially if they are raising their kid(s) without any help. It’s gotta be incredibly difficult to do solo.

   So, the issue isn’t one of disdain. It’s more practical. When you consider a relationship with a single mom, you have to assume that 1) you’re going to be secondary to the kid(s), 2) you’re going to probably have to deal with the father (which in most cases will be a really negative situation), 3) she might be less likely to want to have your kid(s), and 4) even if the father is around, you’re going to end up having to spend a lot of time raising someone else’s child.

   Single moms just have more baggage. Does it make them bad people? Not in the slightest. But, the hurdle for wanting to be in a relationship with them is just a lot higher. You don’t casually date single moms.

10. I have no disdain for single mothers, I just won’t date them, because their lifestyles are fundamentally, irreconcilably incompatible with mine. And that’s okay. Sometimes people just don’t fit together for any of a number of perfectly valid reasons, and I don’t fit with single mothers.

    I just don’t want kids, ever, period. I don’t want to father any of my own, and I don’t want to be a de facto father to anyone else’s, either.

11. I’ve seen this subject posted countless times in here and there is no distinguishable or deliberate disdain for being a single mother

    It’s just a hard pass for many guys for a multitude of reasonable reasons

12. Doesn’t bother me at all, I’ve dated a single mother, she just wasn’t the one for me.

13. I don’t think it’s disdain. It’s just an undesirable situation for men to want to enter into. I met my wife as a single mother of an 11 month old. That was 20 years ago. adopted him at 4 years old. No issues.

14. I think the disdain for single mothers comes predominantly from dating. Most men without children do not want a woman with children.

    Whereas women do not seem to care near as much about if a man has children or not.

    Relationships involving simply a man and a woman can be complicated.

    Now have a relationship involving a woman, her kids and a man who is not the father and it is exponentially more complicated. The man has much less control of the entire situation and much more to lose. Lots of men just don’t want to take that gamble.

    I don’t think a lot of people look badly at them personally they just have absolutely discounted them from being a potential romantic partner.

    I’m a man with kids. I could not imagine a woman without children being on the same page/compatible with me.

    My preference would be a woman with kids. Everybody’s got preferences, but it seems obvious why most men without children would not want a woman with children.

15. Why would you want a relationship with someone who already has a history of having poor relationships?

16. I was 21 when I talked to an interested woman a few years older than me. She didn’t immediately say she had kids but it came out. There were two by different fathers. I decided that I, never having been in a quality relationship, didn’t want to start a new thing with someone already several steps farther along.

    It also would mean her and I wouldn’t have got alone time, the opportunity to grow together, and develop our own sense of couplehood. I would be walking a tightrope that could be yanked out from under me the second she decided I wasn’t what she and her kids needed.

    That isn’t even to bring up the fathers of her kids, her decisions, anything negative that could be said about her. I’m pretty sure she was looking for financial support, but didn’t really get as far as discussing that.

    I didn’t see any joy in it and told her what I thought. She got extremely angry and shouted at me for rejecting her. As usual, I was being told what I should like and how others needed me to be something in their lives. It was clear she was in it for her own interests and I would’ve taken a back seat to everything.

    That’s why I didn’t like single mothers while dating.

17. Married a single mom, I love her, but kids are a lot of work. I can’t believe it’s been like 10 years.

18. In my experience, the single mothers wanted someone to support them and their children. That isn’t my life goal.

    No disdain, just don’t want to.

19. I sort of answered this earlier today, I’ll answer again. I dated a single mom for a while and enjoyed it, and I liked her kids. She made a bunch of dumb decisions that resulted in her having three kids under 8 by the time she was 27, but she was trying to move past those decisions and make something of her life. I was willing to give it a shot with her, I’ve made dumb mistakes and we were figuring things out together. But over time it became clear that I needed some form of authority over her kids, and she refused to allow that. I’ll take kids biking, but they need helmets. I’ll take them for ice cream, but they need to wear a seatbelt. When she tells me that I can’t tell a kid to wear a seatbelt in my car because I’m not the kid’s father we have a problem. Things like this happened too much, it wasn’t only once or twice.

    I almost don’t like telling this story because it could reinforce stereotypes about single mothers. She wasn’t trying to make me be financially responsible for them or telling them I was their new father. We had a good relationship in the beginning despite the kids. She just had this weird idea that I can’t ensure her kids’ safety. What the hell am I going to tell the cops if some kid drowns under my supervision when I was the one who let the kid break the law and not wear a life jacket? “Oh sorry officer, you can’t arrest me, the boy’s mother sent him with no lifejacket even though he has one because she paid for him to have swimming lessons four years ago.”

20. > I see/hear men all the time talk bad about single mothers.

    All the time? Could you give us some examples?

    Otherwise, this is like a reverse “women shop all the time” thing.

21. it all depends on how much drama comes with the father i suppose. And if the kid is cool. But here’s also what worries me. If one were to get attached to the kid and you end things badly with the mother it could be doubly soul crushing if you have formed a bond w the kid

22. Seen friends get into some bad situations dealing with women with kids, which we had to end up in the mix with baby daddies or stop dudes messing with they baby moms. It left me where I wasn’t going to deal with women with kids. Fast forward to meeting my now wife of 22yrs who had a kid. I had my concerns, but honestly, the best choice of my life. I’m glad my immaturity didn’t cause me to lose out on her

23. Because men are allowed to have standards as well.

24. None from me.

    It’s the one that don’t work but can. Aren’t stable but creating struggle children. And who no longer have a sense of self as a woman and only know themselves as a parent.

    I’ve had good experiences with women who date as a woman and not as a mother. I’ve had some who think being there for their kid is owed to them (it’s not).

    At this age I’m not about to say “you have a kid ew”.

25. Single mothers are some of the most resilient people around. The fact that they have to work and take care of the kids without help is fucked up. That most of them manage it is paramount in demonstrating how amazing they are. I have utmost respect for them and commend them in their effort. Anyone who looks down on them are asshats.

    These are women who deserve to be in a healthy relationship with men who love them. It just so happens that I don’t wanna be one of those men.

26. Over it now (mostly) but had actual disdain previously.

    Basically, I spent my twenties starting a business and I was poor. Going bald. Having to care for a disabled family member. Getting rejected a lot in favor of douchebags. Know a lot of women that simply chose awful partners and ended up single moms.

    As I said, I’ve improved. I’m still partially resentful towards most single women. Now I’m very, very fit. I dress a lot better than I did. I shaved my head and look much better and I’m doing pretty well financially.

    And it’s still slightly hard to not lump in single moms with the same women who wouldn’t ever date me in my twenties. I feel like single moms in general wouldn’t give me their best years but now they want mine. Plus, they tend to try to guilt trip me into dating them. I.E. “Real men would know what they want by now. Real men would be ready to settle down by now.” Etc.

    I know the generalizations aren’t that fair or healthy but when your social life consists of getting drunk every night and watching every 80s movie ever made instead of being able to date for 10 years, it’s not that easy to get over. Especially when the script flips and you’re the more desirable one.

27. As a single mother I’d hoped the responses to this question weren’t solely focused on single women in terms of dating/relationship potential. Perhaps I mistakenly assumed OP was referring more broadly to societal/moral disdain. Since this brand of distaste for single moms is definitely a thing among some men, I’d be very interested to hear some of the justifications from that group.

    I am curious to know how men’s interactions are colored by the knowledge a woman is a single mom, especially if they knew her and her partner prior to her becoming single. Like, is there a tribalist instinct among men to shun a woman for ending the relationship with the father of their kids? Or for those in relationships, do you become wary and assume she’s looking to steal herself a new husband/baby daddy?