My bf opened up about having constant thoughts and desires to fuck other women. He doesn’t want an open relationship but is asking for a way to open up the relationship? Or how to deal with this? Any of you experience with this?

50 comments

  1. There’s a big spectrum.

    I cannot stay monogamous and I do not try. Ethical non-monogamy is the only system that works for me.

    I know plenty of guys who are fiercely monogamous and have never given any sign of ever giving even the briefest consideration to anything with anyone but their wives.

  2. My husband and I have always been faithful and have an active sex life. He is crazy about me and is often jealous or fearful if another guy shows interest, so although there is always the possibility he could cheat, I think its extremely unlikely because he tells me every day how much he loves me, loves my body etc. and we usually have sex a few time a week if not daily. So there definitely are faithful men out there.

  3. Monogamy and non-monogamy are two schools of thought with various degrees on their respective spectrums.

    I think either is entirely functional for all people, as long as they agree to common terms/limits/expectations.

    I don’t think it’s as much of an “out of control” type of thing that they *can’t* be monogamous as much as they’re with a partner who doesn’t have the same expectations for them.

    I know plenty of women who have a hard time with monogamy too, so it’s more just agreement of terms between partners.

    Monogamish is a fun term that may be what you’re looking for. You two being the core relationship is the main thing, but occasionally either of you may have a partner other than your main one. Maybe you two play with other people, but only under the provision that it’s together (in threesome, foursome, moresome scenarios).

    It’s a wide topic to be sure.

  4. Pretty easy for most guys, as the pool of women they’d want to cheat with and the pool of women they could cheat with are mutually exclusive.

  5. What do you mean he doesn’t want to open the relationship but is asking how? Like he wants you to only sleep with him but give him permission to sleep with other women??

  6. Why is this shit so common? I’ll truly never understand why people would want to seek someone else and expect their “loved one” to be fine with it. How and why did this become a thing?

  7. >He doesn’t want an open relationship

    Ok.

    > but is asking for a way to open up the relationship?

    Say what now?

  8. So he’s asking for a hall pass? The only way that’s fair is if you get to have some action too(as long as you’re comfortable with that)
    Although a lot of the time opening up the relationship fails miserably and coupes end up breaking off.
    If my husband ever said anything like that his ass would be on the curb, have some self respect. You deserve better.

  10. Guy here, it’s not hard. For myself, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. When I was much younger, I had broken things off with girlfriends that I thought were kind of boring -expecting the next one to more adventurous and more exciting.

    What I learned over time was, through good communication and time (as more trust is earned), more things are possible.

  12. Easy for me. I adore my wife and would never dream of hurting her. She meets my needs sexually and In every other way so why would I look elsewhere?

  13. if monogamy is what you are comfortable with don’t let him make you feel like you’re not enough! it’s possible you just aren’t perfect for each other

  14. It’s no doubt AS EASY for guys as it is for girls. If it’s hard for you, don’t get into a monogamous relationship.

  15. I’m not saying you’d want this or should do it. But one option that others haven’t expressed is you choosing/ vetoing who he gets to be with. For some women it makes a real difference depending on who he’s with, not just that he’s with someone. At times there are certain types of women who are less prone to cause jealousy.

  16. I would advise you not to go there. It’s not what you signed up for. Once you cave and open it up exclusively for him it will be impossible to close the door on it. I’ve read so many posts of women who allowed it and regret it because suddenly it’s all about the new woman and they are on the back burner being ignored. Plus, he’s being really arrogant expecting for you to stay exclusive to him while he’s running around with other women. This is unreasonable and unrealistic. You need to draw a hard line in the sand and continue to just say no. It’s simply not an option for you. As you said, if he wants this then you two need to part ways.

    He’s already cheated and I’m sure it’s gone beyond a kiss and you just don’t realize it. He now wants permission to openly cheat. He obviously already has someone in mind. This is extremely disrespectful to you. He doesn’t value you or your relationship. This is one I would walk away from. You deserve better than this in a partner.

    Edit fix a word

  17. You open that door and let him leave and then move on with your life. There are so many people in the world! Please find one whose on the same page.

  18. Plenty of men are able (and happy) to stay monogamous in a long term loving relationship! If he is talking about how many women he wants to fuck, and you want monogamy, its time to leave now ….

  19. I’d leave. You deserve a relationship where your partner respects you. Don’t waste time on this idiot.

  20. I don’t have to try to stay monogamous, I just do. It’s personal preference when it comes to this matter. I prefer to have only one partner, and plan to do so in the future. So for me, it’s not hard because I don’t have to try being monogamous. However, in your case, if your bf tends to follow poly, but tries to stay mono, then he can, but often times, he might feel frustrated in the future. If you are open to try, try, but if you don’t wanna try poly, leave him.

  21. You can’t open up the relationship without having an open relationship. Lastly, what do you want? If your not okay with openness its okay to leave.

    Lots of men are monogamous.

  22. It is no harder or not for a male to be monogamous than a female to do the same.

    There’s some evolutionary stuff at play too that makes men want to fuck every woman, but it isn’t strong enough to overpower his mental faculties. Same for women. Everyone is responsible for their own actions–there’s no pass for natural urges when it comes to breaking the law, or rules of a relationship. The only exception we make is for mental anomalies.

  24. What me and my girl did was acknowledge those thoughts first. We all get them. Then we were very open and close so we ran with them. The thoughts that is. As if it were really going to happen. Even though we knew it was NEVER going to happen. We’d have the most amazing sex, then we started having less and less of those thoughts. Now they rarely pop up. Kinda like a big part or the appeal was the forbidden fruit thing. But it was an enjoyable era.

  25. See I might not be able to just sleep with guys casually in an open relationship but I would expect that he would give me the Courtesy and respect that it goes a two way street and that if I did find someone else I felt a connection with he would be comfortable with this. That is an open relationship or don’t ask don’t tell but ultimately that we are both equally able to. Now what he wants his is cake and other desserts and you are to settle for that and are expected to stay faithful to him while he can fuck who he wants. Frankly, he doesn’t respect you and honestly he is telling you pretty Blatantly

  26. See this as personal discipline. If ppl could have some strange without consequences, wouldn’t they? Yes. However, transitioning from monogamous to open often does not work. B/c it is most often seen as a betrayal by one/both parties. Violation of intimacy, specifically. If you are asking for this and you’re willing to gamble the relationship, do it. But then, you should specifically be looking for advice on coersion. Deal with it by putting the thought away or coercing-convincing.

  27. Who gives a shit if it’s hard? He chose a relationship it’s his job to keep it in his pants for you, you don’t need to cater to his lack of self control if you don’t want to, you can just find a monogamous man.

  32. Op, you need to find another partner.

    This person will leave you heartbroken.

    I hope you find someone who treats you well. This person clearly isn’t the one for you.

  33. When I like a girl I and things are good I really don’t care about anyone else. I even severly cut back on or even cut out porn. But that’s just me

  34. As a guy, I think the BF is a jackass, but if you are interested in saving this, maybe try and figure out what is underlying this request. Maybe it speaks to some monotony in existing sex life? Something where he need to spice it up?

  35. Coming from a poly person don’t do this. He wants his freedom and a harem while you sit and wait for him to drift back to you.

  36. It’s easy af, you don’t put your dick in someone that’s not your partner? It’s not hard.

  37. This guy sucks. People make monog relationships work all the time, with fidelity.
    And open relationships work as well but not when theyre one sided and possesive like this lame dude is proposing.
    Just throw the whole man away.

  39. If you are not interested in opening the relationship and he only wants a one-sided deal because he doesn’t want you to sleep with other people, set him free!

    He can sleep with all the other women he wants to and not cheat on you because you won’t be his girlfriend anymore.

    It is highly likely he will cheat regardless of your permission or consent, so set him free.

  40. I think part of it is that men are more easily capable of detaching emotionally with sex. For me if I was in a relationship it wouldn’t be hard to not fuck other people, but there is still that desire to want to fuck.

    However it doesn’t mean anything emotionally. Let me clarify that having sex with your partner does have an emotional attachment, it’s just men have an easier time separating the two.

    Personally, I’m able to have sex with a friend but then have nothing else change about our friendship because sex just feels good and we’re both human but when I sleep with my partner I enjoy it a lot more because there is a lot more to it then just sex.

    I think it’s just the curiosity of being with someone else and I’m not advocating that it is the right thing to do, I’m just hoping to provide some insight into how he might feel about it

  41. Poly dude here, that ain’t it chief. If he isn’t ready to see you be with other partners he ain’t ready to have other partners himself.

    It’s like wanting to eat nothing but copious amounts of candy while staying in bed all day without gaining weight. Or wanting to be able to do a backflip with no training. Things simply don’t work like that and your guy needs a serious reality check.

  42. He wants to fuck other people but doesn’t want you to. That’s what he means. It isn’t harder for men than it is for women. It isn’t his sex or gender that makes him want to fuck others.

    The thing about relationships is, you don’t do it even if you have thoughts about it, if that’s not a provision of your relationship.

  43. It’s not hard to stay monogamous. This is a red flag, this man WILL cheat on you if he hasn’t already

  44. If you’re soulmates, there’s plenty of time to reconnect in the future once he’s mature enough for monogamy. As it stands, with him already opening up to you about wanting to sleep with other people and him kissing someone else, trying to force it is gonna be a bad time.

    My wife and I met and really hit it off, but it wasn’t the right time, for similar reasons. We reconnected five years later and now we’ve been together for almost nine years. We have a 7-year-old and are very happy being monogamous. It would’ve never worked before we agreed to part ways, and what we have now wouldn’t be if we had tried to force it.

    You sound young, there’s no need to rush into commitment if you’re not both ready for it.

  45. He’s essentially saying that he wants to fuck other women but wants you to stay faithful. I’d say it’s time to let him go.

  46. It is not hard at all for men to stay monogamous if that is what they choose. He does not want to be monogamous and only wants to hold you down while he gets to run around free. Does that sound like something you want? Him having sex, kissing, flirting, and loving on some other girls? If not absolutely break up because any person who is insistent on what they want will find one way or another to do it, with it without your consent. If he wants to be with other girls that is also his right but you don’t have to put your life on hold for him to sow his wild oats. You deserve someone who is 100% in the relationship just how you are. You deserve to be loved, cared for, supported and respected. If you stay with him he will cheat on you and you absolutely do not deserve that.

  48. Think for a lot of men and women the idea of “what else is out there” really drives this motivation to find out. Small dissatisfactions and just plain curiosity will bring out these desires even more. Some cheat, some try to open up a relationship, etc. As they say though, the more you fuck around, the more you’re gonna find out. I’ve yet to see any individual end up happy when they’ve chosen short term desire over long term happiness.

    My fiancé is a dude and wanted to wait for the right person – he even rejected my advances prior to us dating. I on the other hand was a bit more explorative when I was younger because I was very curious. But once I met him I knew. Nothing would ever beat being with this guy.

    It’s not that my or my partner don’t find other people attractive or maybe even wonder, but we are happy with one another because we know that the excitement of sleeping with new people will not trump the long term happiness and devotion we have with each other. I see monogamy as an act of devotion and mutual satisfaction in spite of any primitive ape desires. It does not sound like your boyfriend is ready for this act.

    It is much easier to control your own thoughts/mOnke desires when you have achieved satisfaction in building up what you already have. Some people are satisfied knowing what they have, some people wonder for some time and some maybe never feel satisfied. I suggest finding someone who is on the same page as you so no one gets hurt or feels resentful.

  49. girl i have been there. first, I strongly advise you to sit and be honest with yourself about what you want out of a relationship. do you want a monogamous relationship? do you feel stable in your relationship now and have open and honest communication? what are you getting out of the relationship with him opening it only on his side? he has already kissed somebody else…did he lie about it?

    from your other comments i’m getting the impression your only considering this because of your boyfriend and if that is the case, please get out of the relationship now, you will be saving yourself a lot of heartache. Once a man is asking about opening the relationship only on his side, even if its not all the way, he is 99.999% of the time using this to eventually open it all the way. Even if you guys decide to “stay monogamous”, pay attention to his previous actions. he has already shown he is not going to stay monogamous by kissing somebody else.
    more importantly what really caught my eye was you asking how to “deal with this”, girl you do not have to deal with anything that is not making you happy and/or pushing you to do things you know will make you uncomfortable. At the end of the day your the only one that knows whats best for you but please know there is men out there that want and will be in a committed monogamous relationship if that is what you truly want!

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