Boyfriend sulks and gets angry with me if I don’t want to have sex

43 comments

1. Your boyfriend sounds like a huge asshole.

2. First off, Your health (emotional and physical) supersedes his urges.

   I do not want to say that his requests are invalid – they are not. However, from what i understand, you have openly communicated your situation to him and offered him alternatives.

   It seems like he still insists on access to your body when you do not want to share it, and resorts to emotional manipulation when he doesn’t get it. It sounds unhealthy as fuck and borderlines emotional abuse.

   I do not have an easy answer for this, but i hope you find it in yourself to put your current health and wellbeing above the prospects of eventually having a family with someone who you think you love, but does not seem to exhibit empathy or consideration towards you.

3. Well, you haven’t given ages but if you are both still young I honestly feel you two may not be truly compatible. You imply his love language is physical touch but that can also be satisfied without actual sex. You say you love him and don’t want to leave him and he says he isn’t interested having sex with another woman and that is very commendable but in the end neither one of you is going to be happy and that is the making of an unhealthy relationship. Have you guys looked at joint counseling?

4. >I don’t want to leave him

   Sure. Because if you did want to leave him, you already would have. Most people who have left years ago.

   But yet, you don’t want to which means you get this instead:

   >I am getting so emotionally exhausted because of this
   >I am sick of feeling like I am just a sex toy
   >it’s so upsetting

   Just read your own post. You *hate* this situation. Clear as day to anyone reading. So basically, your mind and body are screaming at you “this is bad for me” but you’re also, on some level, refusing to listen to those voices because part of you isn’t willing to entertain the most obvious solution available to you.

   It’s like you have a tumorous growth that’s causing you great pain but you’re not willing to consider surgery to remove it. You’re just hoping that one day, you’ll wake up and it’ll be gone. That’s what’s known as “magical thinking” but the point about magical thinking is that it’s an avoidance of reality.

   The reality, based on what you’re saying here: your partner is deeply emotionally immature and selfish. People can, of course, have their preferences around things like sexual frequency. There’s nothing wrong with having preferences, we’re all entitled to our own desires. We are *not* entitled to punish our partners for having different preferences or for not wanting to indulge our preferences if it means they’re sacrificing their own.

   And yet, this is what your BF is doing when he does this:

   >he gets super sulky, he will shut down, be emotionally withdrawn and cranky. Sometimes even rude to me.
   > he gets upset. And he asks EVERY DAY multiple times a day
   > he refuses to touch me because he says it turns him on too much

   This is a man-child. This is someone who is literally telling you “I can’t/won’t control myself even though it causes you pain.”

   I implore you to please listen to all those voices in your head that are trying to convince you that you’re in a bad relationship that’s causing you great suffering. Staying with him means signing up for *years* if not *decades* of this. *And for the love of god, do not have a child with this person. It is the worst decision you could make, not just for yourself but for your future children*.

   Imagine that your best friend wrote that post and not you. What would you tell them to do? Would you tell them to stay?

   In other situations, I’d suggest couples counseling but that works best when it’s grown-ups involved and unfortunately, your BF doesn’t seem to be one.

5. Communication and understanding is key and if he doesn’t understand or care for you’re emotional stability than that’s 100% on him. You deserve better, if you’re partner is just making things worse for you then he’s not the one for you. You shouldn’t feel like just a sex object to him, care for yourself please 🙏🏽

6. This is fucked up and not normal behavior for a guy. I know what it’s like to have a higher sex drive than my partner, it’s a problem in my current relationship, but it sounds like you go above and beyond to try and satisfy him and he doesn’t appreciate that.

7. You really DON’T want to have a family with this guy. You will both have more responsibilities and unexpected things happen which can affect your sex life and he won’t be there for you but will expect you do everything while providing him with sex.

   You are very young and you sound like you probably don’t have a lot of relationship experience. Your BF is a very immature, selfish and abusive person. No man who loves his GF wants to use her as a “sex toy”. He cares about all of her, body, mind and soul. This guy only cares about his sex needs. I have been married many years and have an active sex life and my husband has NEVER put pressure in me or “asked me multiple times a day” to have sex.

   I know I am not the only one telling you but this guy is BAD NEWS, he definitely won’t be a good husband or father because if he doesn’t get his way he will sulk, throw tantrums and refuse to speak to you and probably any kids.

   You may think you love him but it could be emotional codependency where you have been together for so long and from such a young age that this is all you have ever known, and you can’t imagine anything different.

   Please have higher standards for yourself, this guy does not love you as he doesn’t understand what mature love even is. He sees you as someone who is required to meet his needs. What about you and what you want?
   This guy sets a very low bar, you can do SO much better than him. Please leave him and find a man who loves you for yourself so that you can have a more mature, reciprocal relationship.

   This immature man is BAD NEWS.

8. But you’re not a prostitute or sex slave. Unfortunately the wrong party is reaching out for advice. Besides prioritizing your safety there isn’t anything you can do. I definitely recommend not touching penises with your mouth or hands to avoid being mistreated and simply stay home instead. Your self esteem will catch up to how you’re living soon, it will be rock bottom in short order if you keep this up.

9. If he can honestly enjoy sex, after knowing that you were not in the mood, and only relented after his emotional, blackmail, kilted you into it, there is so much wrong with this, that it’s hard to know where to begin:

   1. He is selfish.
   2. He doesn’t respect your feelings.
   3. He objectifies you as a sex toy that he should be able to play with whenever he wants.
   4. Ask yourself how often he comes to you to ask you what he can do better to please you in bed. How often does he prioritize your wants, leads, or desires?

   Throughout your lifetime people will treat you exactly how you allow them to treat you. That goes for relationships, friends, coworkers, etc.…. By letting him know that trying to guilt you into bed is acceptable behavior, you are not respecting yourself.

   He seems to be fairly consistent with his behavior. This is who he is. You aren’t there to change him or hope that he becomes someone else. You need to look at him for exactly who he is and appreciate him for exactly who he is!

   The time to evaluate his behavior is over. You know what you were dealing with. The only question left to be asked is what you want out of a relationship or out of a partner/teammate. If this is how you feel, you deserve to be treated or want to be treated… Then I would be curious why you are posting on Reddit🤔. If you think you deserve better, don’t settle for less! Inevitably we all end up in the relationship, we deserve because of how we allow people to treat us.

10. Mood

11. You could potentially ride it out till your sex drives match. His will drop eventually. Mine was higher than my wife’s for a long time and it was problematic. But, now we’re about even and things are great.

12. Tell him to go jerk off in the bathroom.. seriously though your not a sex toy and this is not okay from a partner. My fiancé has a very high sex drive.. he also fucks off when I tell him no and jerks off if he needs to get it out and I’m not in the mood. He needs to respect you girl!

13. Sexual incompatibility has many faces and frequency incompatibility is one of them.

    Scheduling sex is a good way to decrease the anxiety surrounding intimacy.

    Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel may be a good read for both of you.

    Good luck 🍀

14. Find a boyfriend who won’t sulk when he can’t own your body.

15. So he’s angry at you pretty much every single day??

16. If one person wants sex 1X per month and another person wants sex 1X per week…compromising at 2X per month makes both people unhappy. It’s quite possible that you two are just not sexually compatible.

    A separate issue is the sulking / moody behavior. That alone is reason enough to break up.

    Good luck! 🍀

17. Honestly you should compromise.. The way you are feeling will not change because you can’t kick the don’t want sex out of head instead of thinking what would you be comfortable doing, or how often so that you can make a sensible decision of compromise.. And maybe he needs to be more passionate in the times you do have sex. Making something take a lot longer to get your body to become more excited and boost Some chemical going.. Feather tickling and other kinks for nerves..

18. You say you’ve talked to him about this many times – how does the conversation usually go? When and where does it happen, what do you tell him, and how does he respond?

    The standard advice for conversations about sex is to have them away from the bedroom, at a time when no one is horny and while tempers are even. This advice is given a lot because it’s *really good* advice.

    Sometimes people get scared of being too confrontational, and so they say a milder version of the thing they’re thinking. Sometimes we don’t notice ourselves falling into this trap. What your boyfriend is doing is: pressuring you to have sex you don’t want to have, not respecting your ‘no’, making you really uncomfortable (and exhausted from saying no over and over), and making you responsible for something that really is *his* problem first and foremost (him being horny). Has all of this been said to him, explicitly and plainly?

    He has to respect your ‘no’. He has to be graceful about it too, so that saying ‘no’ will feel safe and comfortable and easy for you. How else could you possibly ever give him an honest ‘yes’? If he can’t live up to that bare fucking minimum, then your ‘yes’ will always be at least a little tinged by ‘oh yeah, and if I say no he will spend the night sulking and being angry’.

19. Your boyfriend has a really entitled, immature attitude about sex. His love language is touch, not sex. That means hugging, kissing, back rubs, holding hands…a myriad of things that aren’t just sex and it’s beyond manipulative for him to frame just vaginal sex as his love language. And you offered to give him a loving assist in the days you’re not in the mood with hjs and oral. “It’s not the same.” Cool bro, but it’s still sex and you really need to regard it as such. Because you’re right, he is treating you like a human flesh light. If every time y’all went to bed together it was expected for him to get fucked in the ass, would he say yes every night? Doubt it. This isn’t about sexual compatibility; life changes and people go through shit where sex will be more or less important to them. This is about him being an entitled ass. So if you don’t want to leave him, you’re gonna have to put your foot down: no more pouting or whining about not getting into your pussy when you’re not into it and graciously accept the other forms of sex you offer to him. But he has to see that what he’s doing is wrong and childish and manipulative. Because I guarantee you this will not just get better with time.

    Best of luck with this.

20. Try changing the dosage and or type of antidepressants?

21. I see everyone tearing apart the boyfriend here, and it’s not undeserved, but this is not a one sided issue like everyone is pretending it is. Neither of you are one dimensional creatures.

    You do not ever owe anyone your body. Full stop.

    He is also allowed to feel hurt from consistent rejection while he watches you being extremely busy and pouring your energy into other things, but having nothing left when it comes to him. How he is dealing with it is not ok, but he doesn’t want to cheat or lose you, so instead he’s just eating away at his mental health and it’s causing resentment.

    It only gets harder from here. Neither of you are getting what you need from the relationship, but neither of you are ready to let go. Please either get help like couples and individual therapy, or end it. This will not magically go away. Reddit cannot solve it.

    You both will regret going on as you are. There’s nothing wrong with being low libido or asexual. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a romantic partner and not just a roommate with extra responsibility. There is nothing wrong with both of you feeling sad, frustrated, and disappointed in the situation. But you don’t get this time back. Stop wasting it on each other and maybe you can still be friends. The option to remain friends gets less likely the longer this goes on

22. I was in this situation. 100% glad I left. You shouldn’t feel like this. It’s not normal or healthy and will not lead to a fulfilling relationship. He won’t change.

23. He is not handling it in a mature way. Are you sure you want a family with this guy? He seems to not want to learn.

    I know women that had to go to therapy to deal with trauma generated by exes like this one, manipulating them into having sex.

24. You two aren’t compatible. Once a week is not enough for a lot of people and it’s plenty for some. He is one of those people that it’s not enough for. He shouldn’t be whiny and sulky though, he should just open his eyes and realize it’s not gonna work out, so should you.

25. Sexual incompatibility. It’s not going to get better. I’ve been in the same situation. The more I was turned down the more I wanted it. Very miserable situation for both of us.

26. If he expects it every day and won’t accept a hj or bj, that’s on him. You’re at least trying. If he needs full-on sex every day, he’s got an issue that’s a lot to expect of someone. He needs to be open to compromise. Something that works for both of you. If not, leave him.

27. I used to experience this with my ex being the M.

    I blame raging hormones in the early to mid 20’s, I am guilty of this.

    It doesn’t get any better or can’t be helped. I was a sex maniac.

    I ended up breaking up with my ex and finding a new partner.

    I do regret being so sexually motivated but at the time my desires couldn’t be controlled.

28. It sounds like he’s a whiney little bitch baby. You aren’t a cum-on-demand machine. Masturbating is free.

    Tell him that his attitude is making you avoid even being around him and is likely going to lead to the rapid demise of your relationship if he can’t treat you as more than a walking pussy.

29. > I will frequently offer other methods of sex, such as hj, bj

    That’s extremely understanding and giving of you and honestly if he’s STILL not happy, then fuck him (uh, pun not intended, and not literally lol).

30. You “give him sex” ? Your relationship doomed and will soon dead on the current course you are tracking. Be brave or be miserable.

31. You want a family with someone who uses manipulation to get what they want? What happens if you can’t have sex for months due to a medical issue or loss of desire which can happen during pregnancy? And then he stays angry while you carry his child (and the weeks after) stressing you and the baby out? If you think you’re tired and can’t have sex now, wait until a child comes into play.

32. Just asking does he work or make any positive contributions to your relationship at all?

33. Please leave him

34. This is sexual coercion and manipulation. Please leave him.

35. My ex did something similar. It gave me a lot of anxiety around sex, and my libido plummeted. You can define your experiences however you see fit, but to me, this behavior on my ex’s part was another facet of abuse in a generally abusive relationship. He is in control of his behaviors and reactions and if he’s choosing to be rude to you, be cranky, etc, it’s hinting at deeper issues, in my opinion and experience. At the very least, this deserves a lengthy discussion and action plan moving forward if you’re going to try and make the relationship work.

36. Sex shouldn’t be something that’s given; it’s something to be shared. Like someone else said, you never owe anyone your body. I also would say that while physical touch can be a love language, I don’t recall sex being one.

37. 3 part time jobs and school is a lot girl, it’s a bit immature of him to expect sex every night. I get that you love your boyfriend but he sounds like a bit of a manchild with the sulking and “refusing to touch you because it might turn him on”. I really don’t get that part unless he’s like 16 and going through raging hormones (but even then, not really)

    Do you guys live together? Is he also working or in school? I really hope you’re not in a scenario where you’re balancing school and 3 part times to pay all the bills by yourself.

38. Red flag. He doesn’t know how to respect boundaries

39. Thank you everyone for the advice. Lots of emotions going through as I read all these. For those mentioning age, we are 24.

    I talked to him after reading through these posts. We discussed how I’ve been feeling and how he feels. I acknowledge that he is allowed to feel disappointed if he can’t have sex, his feelings and emotions are valid. But what I don’t appreciate is the complete shut down that it usually causes. How if I can’t have sex with him, he kind of just shuts down completely and can come off as rude to me.

    He acknowledges this and is understanding and wants to work on it. We had a really long talk about it and I think he knows how it’s affecting the both of us. I told him that we are never going to be happy if we can’t get through this, and I said I don’t think we are sexually compatible, but he doesn’t want to break up.

    Deep down, I think he doesn’t realize the impact his actions are having on me. He grew up with a mom who was and is very emotionally manipulative – will stop speaking to him if he doesn’t do what she wants, etc. I think he doesn’t realize it but he’s following in the steps of his mom. And when I mention it, he acknowledges it and realizes that its a problem.

    I struggle so hard, because it was not always like this. The past 4 years were amazing, we never had issues and we had less sex. But just the past year its been like this.

    At the current point in time, I am looking at finding ways to see if he can grow as a person and learn how to manage or control his emotions more appropriately. If he can’t, then leaving may be the only option. But I am a firm believer that people grow and learn from experience and since we started dating when we were 18, we have both grown so much. With that being said, if there isn’t any growth, then thats where I would consider leaving him.

    We both agreed maybe going to counselling would be helpful, and he wants to talk to his doctor about his own mental health, as he has been struggling with pretty bad SAD since its winter and he works night shifts. I believe that really makes it harder on him as well.

    Is there anyone who has experienced this kind of thing (such as wanting sex 24/7 and being upset when they don’t get it) but learning how to manage those thoughts and feelings? Or is it just a pure sexual incompatibility?

    Again, it was not always like this. He used to be okay with it. But recently its been different. I don’t know, its all just so confusing

40. You need to communicate effectively, as depression can lead to decreased libido, may also be caused by excessive and frequent psychological stress, to eliminate stress, ease the mood, your boyfriend should understand your current state, if he respects you care about you that he will certainly consider your feelings will not force you to do what you do not want, and vice versa you think for yourself

41. This is honestly REALLY weird… on his part.

42. It’s so easy to get used to a toxic situation that at some point you find yourself unhappy in, but you are unsure of how to change it, it certainly sounds like there is resentment on both sides, hopefully being honest and open can help when you communicate but I know it’s not easy

43. This sounded exactly like the way my ex would treat sex. He ended up taking the option of no from me, and would straight up rape me and guilt me into sex. Wet or dry he was going to go inside, and I would end up bleeding for days because I wasn’t ready. He said he only wanted to be with me, and I was still in love with him. But once I started loving myself more than I loved him, I realized that it needed to end. I deserved to be treated better than a flesh light. And then 2 weeks after the break up he started talking to other girls after going on and on about how I was the only person he could ever imagine himself with. As hard as it is to face, you need to end this relationship. Your boyfriend is being manipulative and your entire relationship shouldn’t fall on how often you guys have sex. You need to end this, and be with someone you’re more compatible with. Good luck OP!