A bit of backstory here
I’m an 18yo guy who’s never been in a relationship. I’ve struggled to make friends all my life, never had a girlfriend, all that sort of thing. I’ve desperately looked for girls to date all my life but nobody really shows any interest in me.
By some luck, I met a girl at this course I attended, and we instantly became best friends. The feeling of finally having a friend was amazing, but my depressive episodes continued because I couldn’t find a relationship. I told her about my loneliness and desperation but even *she* couldn’t find me a relationship because none of her female friends wanted to date me.
Since the past few weeks I’ve become really suicidal. I’ve been crying everyday and thinking about self-harm a lot, even though I was too afraid to do it. I kept telling my best friend about my feelings but all she could do was listen, not really helping.
Until about 2 days ago, when I was having a mental breakdown, she did something I’m still trying to come to terms with.
She told me that if I was in so much pain, we could become a “fake couple” if I wanted it, although I didn’t initially know what she meant.
She said I could hold her hand when we went out, so I wouldn’t feel jealous looking at every other couple. She said I could hug her, kiss her and do any of that stuff whenever I was feeling lonely or jealous of everyone else.
What I can’t wrap my head around is the fact that she also offered to have sex with me and be intimate if I really wanted it. She said I could do anything sexual with her as long as it meant I wouldn’t feel bad all the time.
I’m very confused and I don’t know what to do. About a number of things. I don’t know why she’s willing to sacrifice a potential relationship with someone she likes just to help me get through this. I dont know if I’m doing the right thing by becoming intimate with her, since I would be making it harder to find a partner in the future.
I feel like an asshole for sharing my problems with her and resulting in her letting me have sex just so I would feel better. I don’t know what I would have done and I don’t know what to do know.
Please just tell me what to do. Am I an asshole? Should I have said yes or if not, how do I say no?
TL; DR I shared my loneliness, desperation and suicidal thoughts with my girl best friend. And now she offered to have sex with me or be intimate in any other way, just so I would feel better. I don’t know how to respond to her. Will I be an asshole for saying yes, since we’re just friends? An asshole for saying no? I’m so confused
29 comments
She sounds like a good friend and you sound like you need to see a counselor.
Please see a therapist, because a “fake relationship” can be fun, but not for people with depression; it is just a temporary bandaid.
No, you’re not an asshole. It was nice of her to offer but look downstream a bit at the potential consequences in light of the facts. She’s a trooper for offering physical intimacy to help you feel better but, as you pointed out, this could jeopardize your great friendship. What if you develop further feelings that she can’t reciprocate? Physical intimacy has a way of changing things. A short term solution can become a long term problem so I would not recommend taking her up on this. Do you have access to professional therapy? Based on the things you’ve said above, you’ve got a lot going on and therapy could be life changing in a very positive way.
i dunno man. if you’ve been talking to her about harming/killing yourself because you can’t find love and intimacy, then she might have offered out of feeling guilt or pressure to “save” you. and if that’s the case, that is coercion. which is not consensual.
and if it *is* consensual, and you decide to do it, there’s a high likelihood that you will catch feelings for her and end up getting hurt. think it through.
and not to be a dick or anything, but i don’t think it’s cool to lay such heavy shit on someone when you know they can’t help. you need to see a therapist, as they can actually help you.
Start by calling the suicide prevention hotline which is now just three digits: 9-8-8
Your friend’s offer is well intentioned but likely to make your life more confusing and complicated.
Please seek professional help.
You need therapy, not a (fake) girlfriend
Regardless of what happens with your friend, I think it is important that you get treatment for your depression. There is no downside to equipping yourself with, and using the best tools available to do it.
My read on the situation is that she cares for you, and doesn’t like to see you suffering. Independent of that, I think that she likes you. As in, likes you likes you.
First things first (Literally. Re-read my opening paragraph), get your shit together as best as possible. By definition, all of the best outcomes require it.
Secondly, if you guys decide to become a “fake couple”, a minimum of one of you is definitely going to fall in love. I can’t say definitely to both, because there is a slim chance that she really is just trying to do you a solid, as a friend.
Finally, if you decide to try the “fake couple” route, don’t become a convincing “fake but shitty boyfriend”. Whichever way it plays out, strive to be the best version of you, and justify her decision to put her offer out there.
She is being a good friend and trying to help you.
Her intentions are good, but this does not seem like a healthy path to go down. The good news is that she cares about your happiness deeply enough to offer that. I agree with many others in here that therapy is the way to go.
Pure sympathy it is I guess, but she’s a good Friend for you.
Tough situation and sorry you’re having so much trouble. If I were you, I would stupidly accept her offer, don’t do that.
While it might sound great at face value, it’s going to bite you in the ass, hard. Based on the way you’re describing yourself and situation, once you start doing all those things, you are going to fall for her really hard and because she isn’t doing this because she is romantically interested, you’re going to get hurt even worse.
It sounds like she is coming from a good place wanting to help you, but this isn’t the best thing for you. Keep her as a good friend, you need people you can talk to. While you’re working on finding more friends and a relationship, go talk to a professional who can help you.
This likely is a result of the environment you grew up in; and experiences you had or didn’t have growing up.
Seeing a counselor is soild advice! Good luck.
This is the WORST reason to fuck.
Definitely don’t do it, seek therapy. Like everyone else has said. Also your 18 it’s not that bad that you haven’t had a relationship. Don’t let society pressure you, its okay to be single at that age or in general. Your still pretty young and there’s plenty of time for that stuff later and it’ll happen naturally so don’t try force it.
I would also recommend maybe hitting the gym as that can be a really good distraction and can help you let loose a little bit.
And if you really crave intimacy that badly maybe look into going somewhere where its legal and idk just paying for it if you really think you need it. Might help you let off some steam.
been in similar straits. get a therapist and try when your in that office. maybe the first couple times just unloading and crying, but after that take what they say seriously, even if you dont fully believe it. ask for homework and direction. they have actionable tasks/activities. keep a journal of your progress and bring that to therapy and be willing to open it and discuss. (source: was suicidal at 25 and sister convinced me to get help)
The other thing with your friend is tricky.. on the plus side , sex and companionship could show you a side of life worth living for.. on the other hand, if you do it for a while and she breaks up with you, are you in a place to handle that emotionally. are you then going to kys and now shes burdened with wondering its her fault?
I would therapy first and then make decision about the girl
Think with your head, not your heart or dick. This is a recipe for disaster and it’ll do more damage to both of you in the end than help. It won’t fill that void.
Kindly thank her for her generous and selfless offer, but decline because you would rather have a supportive long term friend than risk disaster in which you lose your only support system.
You can tell her that if a point in the future should arise when she really wants to date and you’re in a better place where you can be a good partner, then you’d be more enthusiastic and amiable to it.
She’ll likely very much appreciate being turned down because it’ll validate that your friendship is real and not just an attempt to slide into a relationship.
Then I’d suggest you refocus your energy on physical and mental health. Maybe invite her to stay going to a gym with you. That way you’re not alone at the gym, you can support each other, and get in shape too. Plus, the added mood booster from working out.
You’re 18, you’ll learn more stuff about yourself and develop. Some people are late bloomers when it comes to relationships. I had my first one when I was 24, so no rush. You also don’t want a pity shag/relationship those are only good if everyone invlolved really wants it.
try and find strength in your friendship and contact family friends whenever you feel you need to and do not hesitate to call the suicide help line ! And schedule some therapy !
Suicide hotlines are useless (and I wish people would stop advising to use them) go to an actual counselor. She is offering fwb, if you think it will help even temporarily, help yourself to what she’s offering while getting professional help.
The self love work doesn’t start or stop with a counselor. Take it easy buddy.
All this and your worried about a piece of ass?
Line up a therapist start some Prozac be friends with her and work on yourself before your not here anymore.
She cares for you a great deal but she doesn’t understand relationships have boundaries.
You are going to feel like s*** if you do this.
You also need to develop the skills to manage your depression without leaning on an external crutch, which can become a maladaptive coping technique. You don’t want to be reliant on somebody else to make you feel normal.
You need to learn to regulate your emotions and your neurotransmitters. Turning to sex from another person and a faked relationship, is really unhealthy. You are actually be ignoring the root problem, which is not that you’re single, but how you think about being single. And if your emotions are valid, which they are to a certain extent, most everyone needs companionship, while in this fake relationship with her, the problem still remains that you haven’t developed a way to reach out to somebody and build a romantic relationship. You’re cheating yourself from the opportunity to grow, when you try to meet your needs with something that really isn’t what you need. What You need probably need is some combination of romantic affection, companionship, and sex. You need these things to be offered out of genuine desire for you or it will reinforce the feelings you if you are insecure. Pity sex is bad for your self-esteem. Sex done out of obligation is bad for yourself esteem. Additionally, you need to learn not to be ashamed of being single. You need to learn to be okay with you being the person who loves you first the greatest, so you are not dependent on others to feel okay. You need to learn to think about the future with more accurate, optimistic viewpoint about yourself worth and your ability to find a girlfriend in the future.
When you are actively suicidal, you have to get help from professionals in that moment, ok? When you are having a suicidal ideation, and not yet at the point where you want to do it, that’s when you have to practice emotional regulation, self-care, etc. A therapist can help you learn to do these things. If you go to a hospital for being suicidal, you can get set up with a psychiatrist immediately, join group therapy, and get into and intensive outpatient program which will give you some structure around learning these new skills. Most importantly, it’s an environment in which you can’t make a rash decision and harm yourself. You will be safe.
One last thing, from an ethical standpoint, if you enter into this relationship with her, you are also exploiting her. She needs to learn about codependency and getting enmeshed and over involved in someone’s life. She needs to learn to have some respect for herself. I’m not saying that being with you is a form of degradation, I’m saying that offering yourself as a fake partner to somebody else is also bad for her.
Her listening is all the help most people can offer. She is not a trained professional and this is way out of her pay grade as a best friend. I think you should really try to seek professional help to prevent burning yourself and her out; it can be very emotionally taxing on the people you vent to if it’s all you’re thinking about.
Everyone has emotional limits, and it’s up to us as individuals to get additional help if what we’re currently doing isn’t effective. That way we can learn how to effectively maintain the relationships we have and gain more.
I really hope you feel better soon.
Your young you clearly have feelings for her and it seems she has some for you as well girls don’t just throw offers like that around I would take the chance if I was you it might help you break out of your shell and who knows maybe turn into something more
Please see a therapist, you’re only 18 years old, I know from your pov seems like a long time but you’ve so much ahead of you. I had the best experiences and moments of my life in my 20s. Focus on living your life and taking care of your mental health things will start to look up.
You’re not an asshole. You’re in pain and you finally had someone to talk with about your pain. And this person is clearly a compassionate friend who is very concerned about your wellbeing. Not being able to speak with her I can’t really speak to her motivation, but whatever her motivation it’s clear that she truly cares about your wellbeing. It’s a gift to have someone in your life as a friend that so clearly cares about you.
Before getting to how you might respond to her kind offer I can’t urge you strongly enough to seek clinical assistance. From you post it seems that you are in school somewhere and most any school or university will have a mental health counseling office for students. You make no mention of medication that you are taking but it’s clear given the severity of your feelings that you need some pharmacological help whether something new or a modification to what you are taking presently. Depression makes it hard to move forward on things you should do for yourself, but you need to find the energy to move forward on this now.
As to your friend, I suggest that you don’t approach this as a direct invitation for sex. You might try just the hand holding of the cuddling. It’s amazing what simple touch can do for how someone feels. And this wouldn’t be out of line for what friends would do in support of the other. In terms of progressing to more physically intimate behavior, talk to her about her motivation, how you so value her friendship, and how you wouldn’t want her to do something she herself wasn’t intrinsically inclined to do. If she is experienced sexually and is indeed comfortable with a friends with benefits arrangement, maybe you to could agree to explore. But you need to emphasize that the friendship is ultimately more valuable then you having a sexual experience and you don’t want to do anything that might jeopardize that friendship.
I wish you well in dealing with all of this but seek out counseling now. And if your suicidal ideation becomes pressing, please 988 on your phone or call 800-273-TALK (8255) any time day or night.
First things first: You’re putting too much of your own self worth on whether you’re attached to someone or not. You need to love yourself and be confident in your own skin first.
I’d suggest focusing on living your life and improving yourself and getting comfortable with just being YOU before trying to get someone.
That being said….regarding your friends offer:
1. Honestly, she may be in love with you. Have you actually asked her out? Are you interested in her at all? Starting off “fake” may or may not help things.
2. If the above isn’t true…how much do you really want to accept a fake girlfriend? Having a “fake” relationship isn’t likely to help any of your issues. I’d suggest it would be better to wait and find the real thing and continue working on yourself in the meantime.
I would keep your good friend a good friend.. you should avoid relationships untill you have your mental state under control. It’s not worth losing your one friend over some sex.
dont. you need a counselor and this will just ruin the friendship. also the reason a lot of those girls dont want to date you is because you are depressive. stop being a sad sack. I got depression too, I am 31 now. you will have better days and worse days but nobody is going to really care. they only care how you present on the outside. you have to look like you are worth going out with before girls will give you a chance. start working out and eat healthy. do a few things you normally dont do. just don’t have pitty sex with your friend. it will only make things worse.
While I appreciate your confusion, I would offer the suggestion that you don’t take this offer. Reason being is that if she has no feelings for you and you catch feelings for her, things will be many times worse when she is forced to end it. You need to focus on yourself and seek some help to manage the feelings and thoughts you are having about your life. Your friend can continue to be a friend who supports you in your trials but I feel like you aren’t in a good place to potentially form an attachment to someone who might end up rejecting you.
Man… 18 is SO young. You are putting so much pressure on yourself and you are only just now reaching maturity. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you just because you haven’t found a relationship yet. It will come in time. 35/40 is when you should start to be concerned. You absolutely need to focus on you right now. Figure out who you are.
First, find a group who enjoys a hobby you enjoy. Board games. Photography. Book club. Great way to casually make friends who already share an interest. Seems like you’re in college? Do they have clubs/groups you can join?
Second, ask your friend for advice on your appearance. How is your groomimg? Your style? Women are great at seeing details men can overlook. Why didn’t her friends want to date you? Is there anything you can work on? Feeling more comfortable in your skin can be tremendous for your self-esteem.
Third, work out. It’ll do wonders for your depression, mood, physique, and self confidence. Even if it’s just taking a walk every day, it can have tremendous benefits.
Give yourself some time. You’ve been old enough to date for, what? 4 years? You’ve got literally decades to figure this out.
She’s doing it because she does not want to lose you buddy, not that i applaud this gesture cause its out of pity but she cares about you. You’re only 18 your life has just begun stop thinking about it, you’re causing this to yourself by overthinking. Live your life to the fullest and everything will fall into place at some point. Be patient!