My guy bestfriend finally confessed his feelings to me in the middle of the year and I felt the same way. We were already pretty intimate (not physical) but I told him we couldn’t date at the time because of the circumstances in my life. (i was still stable at this point)
Fast forward to September when 2nd year of uni started, we were neighbors half the week and became friends with benefits (but with feelings?) He asked me again if we could date. We have sex, say ily, and do intimate things together, but again i couldn’t agree to officially commit because of my current situation but he said he’d wait. Though we aren’t exclusive, we haven’t been involved with anyone else. He chooses not to because he seriously wants a relationship with me.
He claims the current arrangement is alright with him but i’m eventually going to have to give him an answer because he needs the reassurance from a label and he can’t keep clowning around forever (which I 100% understand and agree with) He says doesn’t know until when he’d hold up but I insisted he gave me a deadline. I have until the end of the year to decide.
[THE SITUATION]
I love him so much but i’m afraid to that my life rn won’t allow me to fully commit to a relationship with him the way i want to. I simply lack the time. Though it’s something we might figure out together, I worry that it’ll be counter productive.
For context, we’re both in uni (completely different fields) and i’m 2nd year engineering student involved in extracurriculars. Given that, I’m busy and have a-lot on my plate. I’m in a course I don’t wanna take, have bad grades, and can’t make time for myself, family or other things I wanted to prioritize as-well. I’m still figuring out how to balance my life. Also, my parents will never allow me to date anyone till i’m on my 4th year.
^ I became somewhat unstable on my 2nd year of uni and have lots to figure on my own (he is well aware of this). I used to make reason that I’d be spreading myself too thin if I had to commit to him but he’s always been supportive, never wants to get in the way and understands where he stands in my priorities.
My time with him, intimate or not has always made things less stressful for me. I honestly couldn’t ask for more. However i’m always on the recieving end and I feel bad for not being able to reciprocate. But he always insists that he’s content with the time we have and the way we spend it (usually sex/cuddles/study dates).
We aren’t dating yet, but I want to be able to go out on wholesome dates with him (even occasionally cos we’re still students) But to do that healthily, i’ll have to sacrifice some of my priorities, something I’m not sure I’m willing to do. He isn’t asking for this and understands that I can’t rn, but it’s really something i’d want to offer if i were to commit to anyone.
[TLDR]
Knowing this, I’ve been getting the benefits, hoping my life would turn around and i’d be able to wholeheartedly agree to date him once I really had to give him an answer. Though I’m actively trying to make everything work i’m afraid i’m going to have to let go of our chances of dating. (Even though we’re basically dating already)
As his best friend, Ik i shouldn’t be selfish and should just let him go now. Our relationship will surely change, might not even be friends anymore. It’s going to hurt a-lot.
Because we’re already so far in that we’re practically dating (just not calling it that), he says we can take it slow once it’s official. Should I even be breaking up with him? If i push through, how am I supposed to do this?
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[EXTRA]
I’m starting to feel jealous of our close mutual girl friend who can spend time with him when i’m not around. I feel selfish for not wanting them to hangout because I can’t even give him the time but c’mon, they went to a museum, got mani-pedis and regularly run errands together. He’s nice to everyone (not flirty at all). I have nothing against her and completely trust that it’s platonic both ways, I’m just jealous that they’re able to spend time like that I can’t give him that. (I’ve brought this up to him)
I also feel like since my life has been more hectic, and things have been more physical with him, we’ve had less time to really talk and have meaningful conversations. Something we used to do a lot when we were purely friends.
Maybe a part of me misses this and wants to back out of the relationship, thinking we can go back to doing these things again.
Have you asked him about the time and parent issue? He might be fine with just a label, and not going on time consuming dates. You could be girlfriend and boyfriend and also work to maximize your available time, and have forbidden sex that your parents can never know about.
You could even increase your free time by sharing chores, which tends to be faster than one person doing their chores.
Out of all the reasons you gave the only one that you can’t control , is the one where your parents don’t want you to date yet.
And news flash: all the time that you’re currently spending with your friend, and the way you spend it with him, he’s already happy that way. Your vision of what dating is supposed to be like is something in your mind only, because you currently are doing date things already. This is it. That’s all there is to dating — spend time together and talk together and have intimate moments together.
And both being in the same University together, it’s totally fine that a lot of the time you spend together is studying, with some occasional other student Union activities or intramural sports together, or even dates on the weekends.
So basically you are doing the date activities, you just aren’t seeing them as date activities.
I mean you guys are basically dating already. He seems understanding about your situation and you guys are exclusive even if you don’t want to admit it. Besides your parents what do you think would change if you made things official? You guys already are doing datelike things.
Also don’t do a course that makes you miserable.
>i’m afraid to that my life rn won’t allow me to fully commit to a relationship with him the way i want to. I simply lack the time.
So what are you envisioning that a ‘real’ relationship would involve, that you’re currently not already doing?
>We have sex, say ily, and do intimate things together.. Though we aren’t exclusive, we haven’t been involved with anyone else. He chooses not to because he seriously wants a relationship with me… He claims the current arrangement is alright with him
Because to me this looks like… You are dating. You just refuse to label yourself as a couple.
You’re already dating. How can you say you’re too busy of you’re already doing it?
You make time to have sex with him, why can’t you make time time to go on a date with him? To me it sounds like you’re scared to commit and put a label on it.
I understand trying to find balance between school and life, but if you’re struggling so much to find that balance, then you need a to get a planner to plan out your week. Maybe you need to go as far as scheduling your freetime.
As for this “relationship” you have going on, it’s not sustainable. When two people have mutual romantic interest in each other, and want to pursue something more serious, they will make time in their busy schedules to date. This guy is willing to wait for now, but he will eventually reach his breaking point and start resenting you for essentially using him.
If you are not in a place to date, that fine, but you then need to let this guy go so he can get over you and move on. Or, you can put on your big girl pants, get a planner, and start putting a together a strict schedule for yourself to follow that will give you freetime to go on dates with this guy, as well as time for school related things.
You’re already unofficially dating, just make it official. You’re an adult and do not need permission to date. If you rely on your parents financially, just don’t tell them. Your love life is your own business.
If you’re overwhelmed and feeling unstable, drop some of your extra curriculars and talk to a counselor.
You are overthinking this! Tell him you want to continue dating but have some reservations.