My girlfriend has put on weight and puts herself down all the time.
Me (36m) and my partner (26f) have been dating for roughly 1 year now.
She has put on enough weight to go up a few couple of sizes. I have never mentioned her weight or ever put her down about it, I like a little extra chub actually but she constantly calls herself fat and looks in the mirror at disscust.
The weight isn’t the problem for me at all, but her constantly whinging about it is what’s getting to me. I want her to be happy and to love herself like in the beginning.
I asked her did she want my help and she said yes, so I encourage her by cooking healthy meals and packing her lunch for work. But, she constantly gets takeaway at work on the daily, eating muffins and cookies and drinking coke etc
I’ve maintained the same weight, I eat as healthy as I can with the occasional cheat meal here and there so I’m trying to be a good role model for her.
She had a gym membership that she was paying $40 a week for which she just cancelled because she hasn’t been using it.
Any tips on trying to help her? I always compliment her and say how nice she looks, I’m always looking at her after a shower and showing my interest.
Thanks guys
TL;DR Girlfriend putting on weight and I can’t handle her whinging all the time about it.
6 comments
I would tell her you want to have a serious talk. Then when she’s ready for it, explain that you are uncomfortable with her regularly engaging in self-harm. That all of her negative comments about her body are a form of verbal self-abuse. You know it’s hard for her to accept herself and love herself the way you accept and love her, but that engaging in those comments is making things worse. You know it makes her feel better in the short term to insult herself. but it’s harmful in the long term, and it also hurts you. So, you want her to stop verbally beating herself up. And that if she can’t cut the habit of doing so, then you’d like her to consider getting therapy to learn to love and accept herself.
It’s a bit of an intervention/tough love talk, but what she is doing truly is a form of self-harm. It’s really bad for her, and entirely counterproductive to any goal she could have. And hopefully, she will consider trying to work on that inner pain that makes her beat herself up like this that I can’t imagine she’s happy with either.
She has a self esteem issue. It’s not for you to fix. Give her a tough love talk that you don’t want to be with someone who isn’t willing to help herself, offer her your help – but she has to do the work herself – whether it’s the weight or improving her confidence in other ways.
And if it doesn’t work, break up with her and date someone without self esteem issues. I’m suspicious that you’re dating someone 10 years younger with self esteem issues, I’d be curious to the reason there.
Just tell her and show her you love her the way she is, and that acceptance paradoxically allows people to grow and change on their own.
Put a boundary in about hearing negative self talk though. You can be a bit cute about it “hey, don’t talk about my girlfriend like that, I love her how she is”.
So discourage the negativity, and ignore the weight-loss sabotaging behaviours. One because it sounds like the former is the thing bothering you, and two because you can’t control your girlfriend’s eating and exercise habits. But you can shut down the negative talk, that’s a fair thing to ask her to stop.
It’s so great to hear that you’re ok with her the way she is. But are there other people in her life that body shame her? Friends/family? I am worried she may be heading towards an eating disorder (bingeing) and would highly recommend therapy for it. It greatly helped me with my body image issues and also with my ED.
One thing I can’t stand is a whiner. Ditch her and get a non-whiner.
Sounds like she has a bad relationship with food and needs a therapist to understand herself more. Has she any past trauma?
As for you hype her tf up, grab her in the bedroom and outside of it, tell her how you love her curves she’s so sexy etc, if she tries to be negative kiss her.
Every morning do affirmations with her eg I am beautiful, I am confident whatever you want, this helps alot.
Get a game like just dance or do swimming or rock climbing exercises that don’t feel like boring gym workouts.
You’re being so supportive, keep it up! You’re doing great. Maybe get her to delete those food apps, are there people at her work who are bad influencers? Do calorie deficit so she can still eat cake, pizza, crisps etc.