So I recently started a grad program, and I made a goal to make more friends. I’ve had the same friends since 1st grade! I love them obviously, but while I do play games with them online, now that we are far apart I wanna have some friends who I can hang out in person.
My program is 90% women, so since I’ve never had a close female friend (not for any reason, just by happenstance). I thought this would also be a good chance to branch out into having that as well.
It’s gone great. Since September we have cultivated our own little friend group, and it’s been rly nice. Honestly? I like them so much. It feels great to make new friends. They are all women. I’m a pretty feminine guy, and I get along with women well because we usually have similar tastes and vibes. So I don’t rly feel odd being the only guy.
However, as I’ve gotten to know them, one girl in the group I’ve developed a huge crush on. We’ve had deep conversations. She’s so easy to talk to. We totally vibe. We have similar struggles with anxiety. Similar tastes. She’s also TOTALLY my type physically and single!
But I’m not her type at all. She likes tall, jacked guys. I am an inch shorter than her. I’m 5’7 165 pounds. So a little doughy, but not obese.
Literally the day after my crush developed (I’ve known her for 2 months, but we only got closer recently), she started back on dating apps, and is now going on dates. (I quit dating apps and can’t go back lol, soulwrenching). IT HURTS. The guys are all tall and jacked! She has previously said, “dating someone in our class would feel like incest!” agreeing with me when I said, “I’m trying to meet people outside of the class bc it could get weird dating someone in such a small tight knit class.” I was like, “ok I wouldn’t go that far”.
I didn’t expect to feel this way about her!! My other female friends are attractive, I just don’t like them the way I like this girl.
I don’t know what to do. How do I move on? How can I stay friends with someone who I rly like when it pains me to hear about her dating life? When the guys she dates are a constant reminder I’m not attractive enough for her.
Should I ask her out for closure? Should I hide how I feel and overtime it will dissipate?
I don’t know what to do.
4 comments
You could ask her out. Or, ask someone else out.
Here’s what you don’t want to hear but I’m going to tell you.
She never saw you as a romantic partner, ever. She called it fucking incest. Get over the crush
What you need to do is absolutely stop being a “feminine guy”. This will absolutely kill your chances with a lot of women.
She said she likes tall jacked guys. While you can’t change your height you can change your physique. Get in the gym, train HARD and touch into your masculinity instead of being a feminine dude who hangs out with the ladies while they talk about the guys they fuck.
My response to your situation falls somewhere in between the other two commenters here.
For one, I think all of the “you have to get jacked or you’ll never fuck” stuff is complete bullshit. It’s bullshit. I’m by no means jacked and actually somewhat feminine and have no shortage of dating options in college. It’s actually preferred by many women to the jacked lifter archetype, especially if you’re genuinely kind and have hobbies and associate with women similar to yourself. It sounds like you are this guy, based on your “similar tastes and vibes” comments! So, please don’t see yourself as inadequate or unworthy of love in any way for not meeting that male-centric beauty standard. I promise it’s not true in real life.
On the other hand, I think the incest comment, depending on context and tone, could easily mean you’re dead in the water. You’re the only one of us who knows her, so only you know the kinds of things she would joke about and where her line is with things like that. However, in my experience, comments like that can sometimes be intended to preemptively shut down interest while giving everyone involved plausible deniability. Do you think that she knows that you like her, or might suspect so? If so, I would heavily consider that possibility.
Adults should be able to continue to go about their lives after a healthy rejection without too much weird drama and stress, but these things can sometimes fracture friend groups, particularly if they aren’t fully cemented. Depending on how she actually feels about you, asking her out could be a huge success, it could be totally harmless, or it could be (in her mind) you failing to pick up on her subtler signals, which could lead to a harder rejection.
I know that probably isn’t going to steer you any particular direction or make things easier, but hopefully it gives you some things to think about. Please feel free to respond or chat with any more information and I would be happy to keep talking about this. Best of luck! 🙂
Its cooked. Just communicate it now and if the friendship ends, so be it. It’s better than seeing all that she’s doing with that dating app while you have feelings for her. Best to just rip the band-aid off