New to the modern dating game – and I’ve noticed a pattern of this. It leaves the other person very confused when they’re all of the sudden less responsive, more busy – at least for me I wonder if they’re mad at me, if they’re in a bad mental head space, if they really ARE that busy, OR they are in fact not interested.
Why do people go about things this way? Doesn’t it save everyone time and energy just to be direct and give the other person the respect that they deserve?
41 comments
Have you ever rejected someone before?
Sadly, you will rarely get any discernible effort with OLD. People just aren’t invested enough in it to care. Lots of people use it only for attention. The last guy I was talking to didn’t even slow fade at all. He was still texting me 2-3 times a day (with enthusiasm) and one evening just disappeared. The night before Thanksgiving and never from heard from him again. They always seem to circle the block a month or two later though. I just try not to think about it much, makes you too jaded.
I don’t really bother if they aren’t putting in the effort. Plus it’s not like I wouldn’t be interested in talking to them again. Just not really interested right now.
Don’t come at me. I got the karma I deserved.
I’ve done the slow fade and I won’t do it anymore. I have learned my lesson after it happened to me. 😭
But I did the slow fade because I couldn’t get myself to reject the guy. He was incredibly kind to me and was really into me. I couldn’t find the time or place to do it. I wasn’t feeling the connection with him, but we got along well and therefore, our interactions we’re always positive. I couldn’t get myself to abruptly stop what we were doing, or just interrupt a texting conversation to tell him we shouldn’t see each other anymore.
I want to point out that another guy that I rejected before this demanded an explanation. After I told him I just wasn’t feeling what I was looking for, he insisted. He finally stopped, but weeks later, he starts texting me again as if we didn’t end it.
I’m dealing with a slow fade right now and have been asking myself this question all day. I came to the realization that in all the years I’ve been on OLD only two men have ever dumped me directly! Every single other person has ghosted or slow faded me. The only silver lining is that I tell myself people who ghost or slow fade are shitty humans who lack integrity so I’m better off without them.
People ‘Slow Fade” for a number of reasons. They could be dating other people and keeping someone on the back burner ,they may like you as a person but not as someone who they would want to date and pull the slow fade to not burn bridges,they maybe interested but the person is coming on too strong and they aren’t sure how they feel about them ,and finally they might do it because someone is batshit crazy and they don’t want to be harassed so they try to let the the person lose interest first. If you’re not comfortable with it just be assertive and if they don’t change their behavior stop seeing them and block them.
Fear/cowardice
Don’t overthink it
A lack of respect, a lack of communication skills, fear, hoping to keep you on as an option.. those things, or they have something big going on (I did this to someone when my mother and best friend died within 5 months of each other), but honestly, it’s rarely that.
It’s easier
Laziness/fear to deal with people. Or they just like keeping you for an ego boost and free attention you provide. Don t stand for that shit but no need to address it either. Just send a text saying if they want to see you again they should just send you a text. And then you move on to someone that is actually decent and puts themselves in other people s place. The moment it becomes a headache, it s time to stop.
Honestly there are 3 reasons,
1. disregard for the other persons feelings
2. the ego boost that comes with rejecting someone
3. fear of your reaction and slow fading for their own safety
1) They have inflated views of themselves. They think they’re so amazing that people can’t possibly handle being rejected by them.
2) They’re immature.
3) They can’t justify their lack of interest in the other person to themselves which is why they can’t bring themselves to be direct.
4) They want to keep their options open in case the other people they’re involved with turn out to be duds.
People start cheating instead of just breaking up for the same reason, i believe. Trying to be less offensive than a straight “No, I don’t like you”
Because they don’t know how you are going to react to direct rejection and they are afraid of you.
Because they don’t wanna feel guilty and they hope the other will catch on and dump them
People often avoid those difficult conversations. It really depends on the situation though. Like I’ve been accused of the “slow fade” but I honestly just got extremely busy and didn’t have a strong enough connection to the guy so it actually didn’t cross my mind to reach out and say anything. I didn’t think he was that worried about it anyway. Like I said – not an amazing connection
It’s like when your with someone and they’re just insane. Leaving them will result in them harming you out of rage or harming themselves. It’s dangerous directly telling them it’s over because they’re insane so you gotta kinda just stop doing anything positive in hopes they’ll fall out of love with you and they could handle a break up better. Our job is to not become one of those people. I’d hate for someone to be in my life purely because I might hurt them or myself if they leave… Fuck that. I want to be such an postive part of their life they would do whatever it takes to make it work.
Lot of people avoid confrontation.
Reading this made me feel sad and guilty at the same time. I’ve been on both ends, and it sucks. 🥺🥺🥺
Fear and lack of accountability and effective communication. I *HATE* today’s dating scene. Who the hell makes these “norms”?
Immaturity. It’s easier to avoid than to handle a potentially uncomfortable situation head-on….and if that’s your philosophy in life…be prepared for a string of failures in life or lackluster relationships.
Some people (especially when females reject males) goes absolutly bonkers if you tell them
so a slow fade is mostly safer
I rather someone be upfront instead of the slow fade. I had someone do the slow fade in the past only to find out they were keeping their options open when we were exclusively dating.The rejection hit harder to be dropped as soon as the other option seemed better.
When it came to something not working out with someone I dreaded the conversation but I rather be upfront than stringing people along.It’s not fair and they can respect that more and feeling less jaded in a way.I feel when you’re upfront like that it really shows your integrity, character & being a decent human being.
because telling them directly feels bad for them *and* you. telling them directly makes the teller feel like the bad guy and the tellee feel like shit, so they see it as a way to avoid both those negative experiences
Speaking from personal experience, I go through periods where my loneliness overwhelms my standards and I’ll go on a few dates with 3-4 women who I’m really not physically attracted to, just to see if we have enough in common that I can get past their looks. I never am able to, though, so I wind up burning myself out on dating and not wanting to talk to the women that I’ve unintentionally led on. I’ve gotten better about just not saying yes to anyone in the first place, or to just cutting things off after the first date, but it takes so much goddamn effort just to get those dates at this point that I do feel a little resentful. That’s just me, tho. Other people might have different answers.
I think it’s hard to say something that you will know It could probably hurt somebody … so they choose to slow fade or ghost or leave you on read, even just being silent. Pls take care good of your mental health, you can overcome the bad mood easier.
Anw, if someone tells me directly about they lost their interest instead of silence, I really appreciate it and will keep in touch with them as a friend. It means that they don’t want to play mind games, they are mature and act like men/women, not boys/girls.
They are cowards. Simple as that 🙂
Backup plan.
They are selfish cowards.
I had someone do this after nine months. In her case, she definitely had issues with relationships, so it stemmed from a lot of drivers that wouldn’t be ideal in a long-term partner and probably saved my future self from greater ordeal.
I sent a note that I was moving on and (didn’t say this) not giving her the ability to think that I was on standby status. Don’t give them the ability to put you on the shelf to be brought out when it suits them. In or out.
People may “slow fade” someone instead of telling them directly that they are no longer interested for a variety of reasons. Some may feel uncomfortable having a difficult conversation or may feel like it will be easier to just slowly drift away from the other person. People may also be worried about hurting the other person’s feelings, or they may not know how to express their lack of interest. Additionally, people may slow fade because they may not be sure if they are ready to end the relationship, so they take a gradual approach.
Backburner.
Slow fade give plausible deniability.
For me I’ve noticed it’s when the person doesn’t have a socially acceptable reason to end things, or a reason that’s gonna be awkward or hurtful to communicate with the person. So they just deny they have an issue while they slowly ghost.
Keeping options open, simple.
Because I care more about others people feelings than my own. Telling someone directly causes more pain than to slowly fade imo. I think people will understand if I slowly fade, same as I understood when it was done to me. On the other hand sometimes more painful is better. I am learning to be more direct though.
I think they don’t want the confrontation. Once the bag is open it has to be dealt with. Emotions flare, shouting, and tears. It’s a mess.
Okay, first of all, I advise against dating if you have a low self-esteem. Low self-esteem disables your ability to discern when something is your doing, and when it’s the other person’s doing. Not to mention that it hinders your ability to maintain solid boundaries.
That being said, “slow fade” is easier than confrontation. It’s easier than having to explain yourself to the other person while trying to sugarcoat every word you have to say in order to show your lack if interest.
On the positive side, this shows an absence of communication on the other person’s part, which is a huge 🚩. I think thats enough ground for assuming that the other person is not worth your time nor attention. Don’t beat yourself over it.
The reason is people can get angry, insult the other person, ask why. If there were no stakes in the relationship, such as never talking outside of the app, never meeting in person, going on only 1 date, etc, it’s more like “eh, not clicking, I’ll just stop responding and they’ll get the hint”. Which, honestly, 99% of the time, works. They get the hint.
They don’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you why they’re not into you. For example this one guy asked me straight up why, so I had to tell him I wasn’t attracted to his effeminate mannerisms. End result: he was hurt instead of just left with thinking I was a jerk.
It’s partially because in this age where society has embraced social media, virtual communication, and the ability to just turn connectedness off…. We have normalized social cowardice. It takes social courage to directly communicate your feelings, especially when they are not going to please the person you are communicating with. Many people simply are not adept at dealing with somebody who doesn’t automatically agree or like them. So they have this fear of disappointing somebody. So rather than directly break up and hit somebody with the truth, they want to draw it out as if it’s going to be any easier as time goes by. Also if time goes by and the quality of time with the person goes down then they can say that the relationship fizzled out, which absolves them of any guilt or fault. But here’s the thing as a society we need to embrace the fact that sometimes shit doesn’t work out, and everyone needs to be okay with it. Including the person that gets broken up with.
It’s akin to being afraid of confrontation. Our newer forms of media and communications have normalized this social cowardice. So people want to do what socially convenient rather than what’s socially direct and right.
In some cases, namely that of women wanting to break things off. They don’t want to commit a hard break up because there is a chance where the guy might become aggressive. I actually concede that reason. Because it is very unfortunate if the guy who gets broken up with becomes hostile.
Ultimately it takes a bigger quality of person to directly break things off. Quality people are few and far between. You’re more likely to find somebody who lacks the social courage to do so. That’s why they’re called diamonds in the rough 🤷🏽♂️
I did my due diligence while dating, to always be direct with my communication. And break things off if I wasn’t into them. But I won’t lie to you, it was never easy. And that’s a thing people don’t want to do something that’s not easy. In this day and age people don’t want to challenge themselves to do something that’s not easy.
I was seeing/dating this girl for about 2 months, we hit it off, had sex and all that stuff, we texted good morning and goodnight every day then suddenly she just starts responding hours late, no more good morning/night texts, I asked her what was going on and she said “I have a lot going on rn” mind you, she would tell me about everything when we briefly dated, if she was going through something she’d tell me but I don’t know what changed this time, she suddenly became more busy, I just stopped over thinking it and broke up with her.
I’ve never really understood why people just can’t communicate that they aren’t feeling it or just say “hey I’m going through a lot rn so I won’t be texting you as much as I used to” but going silent on someone with no warning is just rude