Me (33F) have been with my bf for 3 months. He is very committed to me and our relationship is very loving and our sex life is great.
I have noticed that recently we have been having sex a bit less… But mostly because we both have been very stressed in our jobs and we have bickered about small things a bit. I almost have a need to have more sex when I am stressed and he gets less sexual. But overall not a big issue. A lot of these things in my mind may also be trigger by me being anxious.
Now 2 things happened recently and I am not being able to have a direct conversation with him.
1. I have no issue with porn, not something that makes me insecure. But about a month ago out of the blue he told he was going to stop watching porn, because he feels like it changes the sexual dynamics in the relationship. I never required that, but I did appreciate in a way. The thing is, I know for a fact he is still watching porn all the days that we are not together. And makes me feel annoyed.
2. I was using his computer for work, and I am a bit of a nosey person, not looking for ex things, or anything, just nosey in general, and there was a folder on the desktop that said “Photos 2021”. My nosey ass needed to snoop. Lots of travel photos, him and his ex, no biggie, everyone has a past. But they I also saw videos and photos of them having sex, as well as other photos that were obviously sent by girls he met online. I know everyone has a past, people may genuinely forget they have stuff in folders around, etc… but there is this little part of me that wonders why he still has them and if he uses that during the week as porn. And that really bother me. Specially because his computer is very neat and organized. (also his ex is also his best friend now)
The issue is… I cant talk about them, since I did see it by snooping. And he is VERY sensitive about privacy and trust.
How can I address this situation? How can I soothe myself of this insecurity?
TL;DR: Found videos and pictures of BF and his ex. Trying to figure out how to have a conversation about it without mentioning a snooped. Or should I just try to let it go?
22 comments
How old are you? Do you really not have a box in your closest of mementos or photos of hou and your ex?
If you’re going through his stuff you don’t really have a leg to stand on here. You should tell him so he knows you can’t be trusted not to go through his files.
Look, he made exicit videos with his ex. It’s not a crime and he still keeps them which is also not a crime. If you tell him you found them on your computer you will loose his trust and will seriously jeopardize your relationship. The best thing you can do to make him forget his ex is to be the best, supportive, loving GF you can be. However if you catch him watching videos of him and his ex you have a right to be upset and voice concern.
You sound like a walking red flag. What’s your boyfriend’s Twitter so we can show him this huge red flag.
Every time I’ve ever had a girlfriend, I immediately deleted all nudes, vids, and texts from past girls. They shouldn’t be important to him and the fact that he has them means he doesnt take your relationship seriously. There’s literally no excuse of sentimentality for porn videos… Pics of them in Paris? Okay. But having videos of you smashing your ex is unacceptable. I’d consider it cheating and just dump him, no reason to discuss it. Let him and his best friend have eachother. (And guys don’t forget about their own home videos)
if it’s any consolation i had nudes of an ex for over a year saved on my computer because i simply forgot they existed as they were saved in a folder i barely went in. i was with my now-ex at the time i found them and just deleted them
Yeah nothing you say is going to make you right. You went through his stuff and went on this deep dove to try and find something and then found some sensitive stuff that wasn’t your business. Sounds like you’ll probably be broken up with if he finds out. You know he’s “sensitive” about privacy which most people are and yet still snooped through his stuff that’s not ok
so you shouldn’t have snooped. obviously. there’s not much you can do about what you found. what you can do is have an open dialogue about your other problem. the fact that he thought porn was affecting him enough to take it upon himself to stop watching it for the better of your relationship is a GOOD sign. it’s awesome he told you thought only 3 months into the relationship. this guy obviously cares. i would suggest you address that problem. tell you you’ve noticed there’s a decline in sex & you’re wondering how the quitting porn thing is going & if he needs anything from you. usually if a guy feels they have to quit something entirely, it’s because their addicted or because they think they are close to being so. porn addiction is *heavy*, it provides immediate dopamine releases like meth.
Everyone in the comments seem to be very harsh, geez. I understand snooping isn’t cool but you don’t deserve to be attacked. First off, don’t look through your partner’s files or phone. Usually when we go looking, we find something we don’t like. He may have simply forgotten they were there. Not necessarily a red flag, but be aware. I’d address the issues of sex and porn in an open, non judgmental way. However, with the videos of the ex I would just advise you to pay attention to how he talks about her (if he talks about her). Hopefully you have nothing to worry about and he’ll clear those files eventually.
Ok so sidenote: I wasn’t paying 100% attention. His ex is now his best friend? I’m sorry but what’s up with all these 30+ grown men keeping exes/fwb as “best friends” while in committed relationships??? Relationships work best when you are your partner’s best friend. So he has x rated videos from last year of his best friend…… Please reevaluate this entire dynamic.
Lmao, the people on reddit have a really hard time with all porn related stuff. No, if you’re in a relationship, it should not be normal to keep sexual photos and videos of your ex and other women. Yeah snooping isn’t great either. Also, considering the fact that he stills watches porn, he might as well be watching this videos too.
Yuck. I’d be so grossed out. The minute a person ends things, they should delete all pornography related items bevause imo at that point, consent to have them is REVOKED.
I had an ex who had porn him and a hook up had made, I deleted it and let her know and she thanked me because she told him to delete and he didn’t.
It’s yuck and creepy imo.
So you are BARELY in a relationship. It’s so new. “He’s very committed” yeah it’s such early days of course he is. You were snooping on his computer. Sure he made a video with his ex, news flash: LOTS of people do. It has nothing to do with you. Do you expect him to go and change…the past? I can guarantee you that there are things you’ve done in the past that he wouldn’t necessarily love. The past is just that. What do you expect him to do? Moral of the story: you F’d around by snooping and you found out. You’ve also proven that you can’t be trusted. Time to grow up. ETA holy crap you are in your 30’s! I was thinking 18-19. Yikes.
3 months in and you’re already snooping? You’re the only red flag here.
It’s messed up to keep nudes of an ex. Period.
You were snooping, which is a separate issue.
Personally I’d just start with apologizing for that and then dive right in to your concerns. Then he can give his, etc. Rip the proverbial band aid off.
People are overreacting. He 100% forgot they were there. My wife was snooping through my phone (not maliciously, I was right next to her) and she found a nude someone sent me 6 years ago, before I’d even met my wife. We laughed about it and I deleted it
So yeah, you’re in a new relationship, honeymoon phase and everything, and you go snoop their stuff 3 months in? I’d say there’s only one bad actor in this relationship and it’s not him. Especially since he had made it clear how little he respects anyone who would do something like that.
He may or may not jack off to his ex, but what is certain is that you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with him until your confidence goes up to a level where you don’t have to snoop just for the sake of snooping.
Ah yes the old fuck around and find out
I think your looking at the wrong issue. He’s 33 and best friends with he’s ex. Like yo the porn is that last of your issues. He did say he did want to stop watching porn because he thought it was an issue.
He has folders that still mean something to him and I am not seeing him rid of it in case one day you Both——Break up. He has them under lock and key but you were able to get to them. I don’t blame you for looking for I’d do the same thing too. I had One EX(recently broke up)that still had that Old EX from his past and they are besties but nothing as far as reuniting for she broke it off with him to get a toy boy and moved away. Keep an eye on your guy. Yes, probably jacks off to whatever with Porn alone. Talk turkey in a diplomatic way.
I would absolutely not be okay with this, and I would vocalize it, personally. That’s just me.
People love to deflect when they know they are caught in something by saying, “how dare you look through my things?!!” My argument is this: he has broken your trust by, in this case, keeping sex tapes of him and his best friend. So maybe now you have broken his trust by looking at his computer. But tell me, honestly, which is a WORSE way of breaking someone’s trust?! I would rather my boyfriend look through my phone 10000000x more than I would rather him keep sex tapes with another woman. What you found is worse than what you did. Imo.
And if you both think the relationship is worth it, you will both have to work to build trust again. But without the truth, you having to admit that you snooped and him having to face these sex tapes, will you ever be able to shut that voice in your head up ever again? I know I wouldn’t.
If that’s his new best friend.. then keeping videos and pics are are not only a Hell Naw, but a Red Flag too…
Three months in and you’re snooping on his computer. He may not have realized that he even still had this stuff.
/r/relationships will typically normalize phone and computer snooping, and it’s a toxic aspect of this sub. It is not okay to snoop on someone else’s phone. There are exceptions and they are rare. I snooped on my wife’s phone once when I found her unconscious and non-responsive, but it was only to see if I could find any info to tell the EMTs. That’s the kind of exception I’m talking about.
If you can’t trust your bf enough to not look through his computer, then you should reconsider if you should in a relationship with him.
Now, we are all also human and we make mistakes. My advice is to pretend you never saw it. You fucked up. Don’t do it again.