Are my (28m) expectations of friendship too high?
Just a disclaimer, I had really bad depression and anxiety for years. Only this past year have I been correctly medicated and having weekly therapy. I’ve been finding out alot about who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.
Anyway, I’ve always had a little group of friends that I’ve been closest with. This is a mixture of males and females between 27-30. Previously, because I had low self esteem and high anxiety, I would go all out to be everyone’s best friend. I would put anyone of them before myself and not really get the same reciprocation. I know now that I can’t be the center of everyone’s social circle, and I get that, but in a way it almost feels like I was used in such manor because that’s who I was. A super nice guy who would do anything for others. I’ve since tapered that back. I’ve also known these people for close to ten years.
However, I think the fundamental thing I’m starting to realize is that these friends aren’t really that great of friends. For years, I thought I was always the problem and whenever there was a confrontation, I’m the one (90%) of the time who owned up and apologized and took all responsibility.
I think the fundamental theme I’m starting to notice is the complete lack of effort from them to do most things. I mean sure we might text in a group setting about random stuff, but there is very little effort or interest to atleast try to entertain my interests after years of conforming to everyone else.
Most times, if there is an idea for a big group outing, no one wants to plan it except me and I usually get a little backlash if it’s too much effort or too complicated engage and do a little legwork to hang out (like checking calendars). Then it falls apart.
One situation comes to mind about a movie. Four of us made plans to go see it. It was decided to go to a theater which is closer to two people and farther for us. I suggested going to a closer theater to me (since I always cave to drive farther to hang with friends), I guess I was making it too complicated and they stopped responding to me and went without me.
Another friend has agreed to plans and canceled at the last minute three times.
Another situation that comes to mind is me doing a ton of work to arrange an outing, only for them to say the cost is too high at this time and maybe afterwards Christmas. Then two weeks later they want to do something different that costs just as much.
My point is, i think in any relationship, you can SOMETIMES do things you don’t want to do for your friends to make them happy and spend time with them. It can’t always be a one way street.
TLDR: Are my expectations too high of friends to sometimes do things that interest me and it’s shitty if they just don’t do things they don’t want to do?
2 comments
It does sound like the dynamic of your friend group is off. I know it’s difficult to make new friends as an adult but I’d encourage you to try to make some new friends elsewhere that don’t take you for granted and would be more appreciative of your efforts. You point out that your friends don’t want to do the things you do- find friends that do! If you enjoy hiking for example, join some hiking groups and start fresh there.
I dealt with this a lot in high school and even after college. I think unfortunately a lot of people are selfish and want to do what’s in their best interest or in the best interest of themselves and someone close to them. In other words, it seems like you’re on the outs. It’s a weird position to be in because if you say something they’ll deny it and make it your issue for feeling that way, even though they are blatantly disregarding you as a person because you’re “easy to get along with.
I stopped being agreeable and dropping things for everyone and I don’t really have any friends. I have my partner and like one or two friends ish but nobody I hang out with consistently. On one hand, my mental health is much better and I don’t feel like I have to be someone I’m not or do things I don’t want to. The obvious negative is that I have no friend group.
The long and short of it is mostly everyone is out here for themselves and on the rare chance you find someone who isn’t, you’ll wonder why you ever were friends with people who made you feel that way.