We’ve all heard the “throwing a hotdog down a hallway” thing but what would be the goal of actually telling your partner that they’re too loose and don’t stimulate you as much anymore? Is there a different reason other than honesty or attempting to insult?
For reference, he found his Fleshlight which he thought he threw away after we had an argument a few years ago. He cleaned it and then I let him have his time with his toy, afterwards I made the mistake of asking how it was. We’ve always been brutally honest with each other, and so he stated that it stimulated him more than me and it was slightly uncomfortable because he wasn’t used to that. Okay cool, but then I dug a little deeper and asked what he meant.
What he said makes sense, after childbirth I’ve lost elasticity and tightness. I asked more questions, that I shouldn’t have and ended up understanding that he says our relationship doesn’t have to be sexual because of this and I’m just not appealing to him anymore as far as physical sensation goes. I realize now that I shouldn’t ask questions that I don’t want the answers to.
When I asked if he’d feel more comfortable if I got a vaginoplasty (I’d pay for it) he said no and that I shouldn’t alter myself. I explained that my ego took a hit and it would make me feel better, then he asked if there was any way he could convince me that it’s not a big deal. No, there’s not a way to convince me because now I know that I need to work on myself and somebody that I love is being affected by me not doing anything about it, plus nobody wants to feel unattractive.
We left the conversation there because he wanted to drop the topic. Can anyone tell me roughly what kind of thought process was behind this? I understand that he was just being honest, but not wanting sex because of it and not telling me so I could’ve addressed the problem sooner is a little concerning. I guess it could’ve been a “well you didn’t ask sooner” situation, which would make sense. But not wanting a solution to a problem?? That doesn’t seem right. Wanting to convince me that it’s not an issue and not to worry?? Is it truly possible for you to be convinced of something after you’ve been told the opposite?
I 100% believe that he wasn’t trying to be hurtful. Maybe I’m just complicating the topic?
15 comments
I’m sorry he made you feel so shitty OP. I don’t have much advice except Just a suggestion, you could try wearing a butt plug as it makes everything so much tighter. Vibrating ones feel amazing for my partner.
My fiancee bought me a fleshlight, and they are very tight in comparison to a vagina that is aroused.
I would not take what he said in any bad way whatsoever. When you asked that question, there was no way to answer honestly without it seeming hurtful.
If you have a vibrator with a larger girth than your man and he asks you how it feels, you would probably say, “It really fills me up.” If he then took that wrong, he might think he does not please you as much.
See how things get turned around? The fleshlights are tight but believe me, they are far from being a real pussy. You have nothing to be worried about.
For the tighness issue, I know there are exercises to work on your pelvic muscle, which can help you to control your vagina tighness to a certain degree (Kegel exercises). Maybe explore those ?
As other said, fleshlights are tighter than a real vagina, but it cannot compare to making love to your partner, with everything that comes with it đ
I suggest you see a pelvic floor therapist, during this time I will pray for you to find a new husband who doesn’t limit sexual pleasure to penetrative sex only. /s
Seriously tho! You should see a specialist for your downthere if you think there still a difference since you have given birth. It isn’t only about sex, it is about your health and a part of your body that needs to recover properly.
Then, I guess your husband isn’t very smart when it comes to that kind of talk. But does he really only see sex as him using your hole to jerk off ? I would definitely call him out on that.
Also, dont worry about you not being as good as a fleshlight, I am sure sex toys are also better to make you cum than him. But sex isn’t only about that.
I suggest you donât change anything and stay the way you are. I canât even imagine why a guy would ever say that to his wife.
Damn, that was messed up. This happened to my wife after kids too but it hasnât put a dent in our sex life because it is a natural, unpreventable change and we adapted by finding positions that work better and more foreplay. It actually came up because I noticed PIV didnât seem to stimulate her as as much as before so she had felt the change as well. I donât know that there was any thought behind what he said because it was unnecessarily harsh where it did not have to be. Thatâs the kind of thing you just donât say because it does damage and you canât take it back. There is nothing wrong with you. He needs to show a little more love, understanding and support because his behavior is indefensible. Honesty is ok but that wasnât honest. That was cruel.
Maybe his weiner has shrank. For a guy to actually say that is terrible. Some things should just be kept to yourself. Do not have surgery on your body. There are exercises you can do to tighten those muscles.
I think its hard to understand someone else’s headspace, and its probably hard for him to explain it. It’s important to trust him when he says it isn’t a big deal and that he doesn’t want you to be different.
I have never been able to replicate the sensations produced when I use a vibrator on my wife, but I believe her when she says she prefers my penis for other reasons than just how it feels — so we just do both. It never really got me in my feels, but I would be lying if I said I never have to process this now and then.
I don’t tell my wife that masturbation usually feels better for me because she would misunderstand. The sensation alone isn’t what I enjoy about sex, it’s the intimacy, attention, and emotional connection that gets me off. It might help to ask him what he likes about sex with you instead.
âTightnessâ is mostly muscular. Are you finding you have lost some tone in your pelvic floor? Do you have poor core strength? Are you peeing when you laugh or sneeze or jump? Do you have trouble getting poops out? Have you started to âbraceâ peeing or pooping with fingers inside your vagina? Do you get any pelvic pain?
Those can be some signs that you have lost tone or injured your pelvic floor. If any of this is resonating, there are âpelvic floor physiotherapistsâ who can help a lot and I would recommend seeing one of them. There are also programs online, which are less specific but still an ok thing, such as MUTU.
If your pelvic floor is good, your husband may be perceiving âloosenessâ more from his impression of you than from reality. He also may have a bit of a âdeath gripâ problem, and really need a tight squeeze. You could try to have anal sex, because the anal sphincter tends to clench a lot.
What concerns me is that he seemed uninterested in your wish to change things so he would have a better experience. He seems uninterested in partnered sex and he should expand on that a bit more.
As someone already mentioned you may want to seek help from a pelvic floor specialist in addition to practicing Kegel exercises.
Child birth is nature’s great gift that only a woman can provide. Nature also provided human woman a clitoris for the sole purpose of pleasure. Mother’s that Masturbate and orgasm during sex along with regular Kegels have shown greater pelvic floor strength than those who only do Kegels as some recent studies have shown.
I’m sure you can google this.
So part of it is your husband’s responsibility to be supportive and help you orgasm to help regain tightness
Porn has a lot to answer for.
Masturbate & kegels
Do kegels!
Are you using lube? If you are, be judicious with it. Globbling on the lube can eliminate friction to the point where it feels like nothing is happening, even with a good fit.
I think there’s a lot more to this situation than vaginal tone. There are plenty of positions that can provide really terrific penile stimulation that don’t require a vagina that exerts a death grip on the penis. I am skeptical that your vagina has become so flaccid as to no longer provide your partner with adequate stimulation. Of course a Fleshlight is more stimulating than a pussy – that’s what it is engineered to do – but intercourse with your partner should be about a lot more than pure penile sensation and for someone to make it out to be all about how it makes their penis feel…? That to me reveals a level of immaturity that’s pretty stunning.