30F. I briefly dated a guy for a couple months, he wasn’t ready for a relationship, and I wasn’t down for any longer casual relationship and we decided to call it off. I go out of town for a couple months and I get back, we meet and chat and decide to remain as friends, since we genuinely liked each other as people. At that point I didn’t even feel sexual tension.
We start hanging out from time to time to work out together. I start hanging out one on one with some of his girl friends. I open up to him one day about my depression and he listened and empathized. He even mentioned going on a trip together, along with a couple friends, in the summer. I could just feel that we were getting closer in a non sexual way and that made me feel so happy to be able to transcend whatever shit we had before.
And then this past weekend we grab lunch and play basketball together and suddenly there’s a weird sexual tension. Maybe the warm weather? He was being extra cute all of a sudden and made comments about how good I looked today, about how cute I am when I get all competitive, and suddenly we’re weirdly close while playing.
OK – I thought – this sometimes happens when I hang out with guy friends, but usually it goes away and never comes back. Just play it cool, it’s a temporary thing, he’s just a friend.
And then while we were waiting for his ride home he suddenly asks, after a short pause, if hooking up would be a bad idea, because he’s been getting a vibe that we both wanted it.
It was real hard to resist because honestly the tension had been building up but I told him it would definitely be a bad fucking idea, and that I wasn’t trying to sleep with him and he should go home. And he did, telling me that he too wants to remain friends with me long term.
Now I feel like shit because everything is ruined. I thought we had something very nice together. Either he’s stupid enough to throw our friendship down the drain for a moment of horniness or he’s never seen me as a real friend – either way makes me feel very sad.
Do you think genuine friendship is possible at this point? Maybe I’m overreacting? I don’t even know how to react to him or engage him anymore.
12 comments
This just comes off as the typical emotionally unavailable guy who wants to have his cake and eat it too. He won’t move forward but he also won’t let you go, these situations don’t work speaking from my experience. Even if you stay in contact he will get jealous when you see other people and keep pressing his luck. He’s selfish, because he’s not thinking about hurting you in the process or taking space and getting his shit together knowing you deserve better
He just wants to sleep with you, unless that’s what you want to I would leave it. I no longer make close emotionally intimate friendships with men as this is usually the outcome, even if it takes them 12 years to make a move
sex doesn’t ruin friendships, assuming both of you agree on what the sex does or doesn’t mean. I’m friends with a couple of women I’ve had sex with and it’s not a huge thing. We enjoy each other’s company and we also found each other attractive. It’s honestly a very healthy thing that doesn’t have to mean anything major (though sex means different things to different people). And like, I mean we’re legitimate friends. One of the women is getting married in May and I’m very happy for her and am going to attend it
It’s ok if he’d like to have sex with you (while remaining friends) but it’s also ok for you to reject the proposition. As long as he was respectful and understanding, I don’t see the issue with it
This whole idea of “if a guy is interested in sex, thats the only thing he wants and he doesn’t really care about you” is absolute bullshit. Having sexual attraction to someone does not nullify all other feelings of friendship, respect, general affection and whatnot.
Sorry if this fact bothers you ladies, but the vast majority of your guy friends are sexually attracted to you and would gladly accept if you offered to have sex with them. This doesn’t mean they don’t see you as real friends, it’s just the way most men’s sex drive works – if we find you pleasant to look at, whether you’re a friend, a stranger, even someone we hate, we’d like to have sex with you. This doesn’t mean we fantasize about it all day, or even really think about it at all, but if we think you’re pretty, the answer is generally yes if you were to ask them if they’d like to have sex with you.
To me it sounds like he invested in getting to know you and an attraction grew. Personally, I think it’s the wrong read on your part to think you need to be done with this guy. He sounds like a nice caring guy. My understanding is that he’s communicated well with you and has been agreeable for the most part on how your relationship should go. I understand men and women think differently about sex but as a man I don’t believe he was in any way trying to disrespect your friendship. He may be open minded towards this continuing to grow to be more than it has been (which I can’t tell but you may or may not have interest in this) or he may just want to have a sexual experience with you and in his mind this would be mutually beneficial (I get the feeling you would not agree with this). To me, the most important thing you can do is be honest but also open minded. Sometimes people have predetermined positions and don’t consider going the other way when these types of things come up. You should consider whether or not given the development of him getting to know you better, if he’s someone you might be happy with. It’s understandable if you only want to stay friends but I think it’s a little unfair to throw this guy out because he caught some feelings. It literally means he likes you. He asked you also, he didn’t force you into a situation that would’ve been uncomfortable. Generally I think when people have these hard rules about how things have to go it actually prevents them from experiencing things that might be rewarding. Just talk to the guy, let him know how you feel and keep an open mind. No need to shut someone out who has treated you with respect
I didn’t read the post just the title but if he’s asking you to hook up the answer is nope regardless of the details
That guy doesn’t like you enough to actually date you, but likes you enough to want to hookup from time to time. He’s probably a bit desperate for sex right now and is using every channel he can to try and satisfy that urge. He’s likely hitting up every single girl he ever slept with to see if she’s down to “reconnect”.
Honestly I don’t think he cares all that much about being friends with you. Best you can get is an FWB relationship. If that’s off the table, I’d stop wasting each others time and cease communication.
basically this same situation is happening to my best friend lol. her ex moved to her city and started asking her to hang out with his friends on weekend nights, and they usually have cool plans and parties and she likes his friends, so she goes and brings a couple of her friends. inevitably on these nights out he’ll hit on her or suggest they hook up and she just slaps him away and says no and he backs off. rinse and repeat.
these guys are f*ckboys, that’s just what they do, it’s who they are. you have to decide if you’re ok with it or not, and if you say no does he push and get aggressive or does he leave you alone? are the new friends and fun plans worth the sexual advances to you? etc. because this guy isn’t gonna change, it’s just who he is, and he will always be sexually attracted to you.
I met a woman after a bad break up years ago. We casually dated for a couple months and then we broke it off and remained friends. But at the end of the day there was a reason we were attracted to each other in the first place. We stayed in touch and remained friends but during the covid lock down we started talking more and more. We were both single and having company was nice. We went through this exact same thing, I asked if she wanted to sleep together as “friends”. We did. This was like 3 or 4 years after we had broken it off the first time.
I regret it, not because we slept together, but because I was now in a position where I was ready to date, but I stupidly maintained the “friends” boundary. She was cool with it, but it fizzled out again and shes been dating a guy for over a year. I’m happy for her, but I definitely could of played it better.
I guess what I’m trying to say there isn’t a black or white answer you can get off the internet. As I’m sure you can appreciate there’s something familiar about sleeping with someone you already have slept with. So maybe it’s just that, a spurt of desire around a familiar person. There is a reason you got together in the first place. Like others have said maybe its a game he’s playing to sleep with you. Or maybe it’s similar to my situation where he’s in a different spot now and ready to see what a relationship together would be. Just have an adult conversation with him.
Guys don’t stay around you to just be your friend. We aren’t there for the wonderful conversations or your sunny disposition. A guy stays in a friend zone because he’s still interested. This is just using someone to give you attention and validation. Let them go.
You’re not over-reacting. He trespassed a boundary here in the hopes of sex, whether or not it was his intent. You broke things off previously because you don’t want a casual fwb setup – asking if you want to hook up after re-establishing friendship as the goal is pretty dumb at best.
You could either give up or set the boundary more firmly, depending on how much you enjoy his friendship for real. If you do re-establish the boundary, make it clear you won’t put up with being treated like a possible fwb.
“The other day really threw me off – we both know I’m not looking for FWB or casual stuff and you made me feel like you care less about me as a person than as a potential sex partner by trying to hook up like that. I actual do like you as a person, but I won’t stick around even as a friend if you’re going to keep pushing that. If I wanted sex, I would just ask directly.”
Something like that should be very clear. But you do you, and remember you will find someone who wants the same things if you don’t get hung up on people who obviously don’t. Stay your own course and don’t worry about obstacles, you will get past them.
Men and women cannot be friends. Santa doesnt exist.