Once or twice a week, I go down on my wife after a full body massage. I take my time, and she always has strong oragams within 10 to 15 minutes. I also go down on her during our normal sexy time twice a week. She has expressed that she feels guilty for not wanting to give me oral and thinks it is what pornstars and teenagers do instead of PIV. It is a little confusing, and I have talked to her and told her she does not have to feel guilty. I tell her that I love giving her the pleasure and joy of a good orgasm. She will give some oral but only for a few minutes and never just to give me oral. Just wanted to know if anyone had something similar and how you worked through it. Thank you
7 comments
To be clear, are you asking how to deal with your wife feeling guilty, or how to deal with your wife not reciprocating oral sex?
On the one hand, everyone is allowed to have their sexual boundaries.
On the other hand, oral sex (both ways) is perfectly normal and a part of most healthy sexual relationships. That doesn’t mean it’s *required* nor is anyone ever obligated to engage in sex acts they don’t feel comfortable with.
But: it really sounds like your wife is operating with internalized sex-shame and if she really feels “guilty” here, it could be helpful for her to work with a sex-positive therapist to at least explore where this idea comes from and why she’s internalized it:
> thinks it is what pornstars and teenagers do
That suggests to me that she’s internalized some kind of message that says “upstanding women don’t give BJs” and that’s reflective of regressive sexual values (I mean, plenty of devout religious people are fully into oral sex so it’s not just about “conservative” values but something that goes deeper).
So again, if your wife really feels conflicted about this, you can encourage her to explore where her feelings come from and why she feels stuck on them. That doesn’t mean she can “resolve” those feelings; she may always feel conflicted. But at least she can take steps to explore that conflict through therapy or the like.
I think asking her if there is another activity she would like to add to reciprocate your oral to her. When she’s obligated to give it starts to feel more like a job. Perhaps finding something she enjoys doing (hand job, strip tease, using a toy on you, whatever) it would be fun and pleasurable to give that for her and when she does give oral she isn’t just checking a box and spends the time down there for pleasure.
Wife’s guilt
I wish my wife felt guilty
Oral isn’t her thing, but at least she is willing to sacrifice a few minutes I mean, if your hygiene is 100%, like showering and scrubbed down and deodorant in your ass crack… and you’re not some huge dick jawbreaker… and it’s not a physical compatibility problem… then she just doesn’t like the idea, the mental, or putting a penis in her mouth. If she REALLY wanted to overcome the mental, she could, through therapy or perseverance. I don’t really recommend trying to push her into it though. Some people, just don’t want to change. If you don’t want her to feel guilty, then just reassure her that you’re good with only getting your couple minutes of oral from her when she is willing. If you’re not good with what you’re getting… then that’s a whole different problem.
Im like you it doesn’t matter to me if i get my dick sucked hell in most of my serious relationship i barely got it but sex wasn’t about just me so if they didn’t they didn’t cuz my pleasure was always their pleasure. This is something she has to get over and just tell her you love it cuz she loves it