My partner and I [M/F25] have been trying to find a third for a threesome. We have been using a couple of apps and sites which are all under my name, and I recently gave my partner access to in order so have transparency and continuous understanding of everything.
I logged onto these sites yesterday to see who potentially reached out, to found out my partner has been taking it upon himself to sext under the guise of myself, send my nudes and his, as well making decisions with people without asking me. When I asked why he’d go behind my back and make these decisions and send my nudes without discussing with me first, his excuse was “He was only doing what you couldn’t” And that he thought because I gave him access to the accounts it was fair game a could do whatever he wanted.
For me he has crossed so many boundaries, sending my nudes without my consent, speaking on my behalf and setting up meet ups without talking to me first. I asked some of my friends and they told me I may be over thinking.
So Is this a huge red flag or am I over thinking?
42 comments
BIG RED FLAG
Bit of a red flag, 3sum are with 3 consenting adults. Here only 2 are making the decisions, and one is assumed to follow whatever is chosen for them.
No, you’re not wrong… He is. I think he’s breached boundaries and trust in a situation that already requires so much of both.
> Is this a huge red flag
Yes, it absolutely is. You two are NOT ready for a threesome. Dial that waaaay back. You two need to start over with some boundaries (assuming he’s capable of respecting them).
He did something completely unacceptable then tried to downplay your concerns with gaslighting. He is way too immature to handle a three-some! This will likely blow up in your faces if you go through with it.
It is absolutely a huge red flag. That is unethical as hell and just shady. Do you feel comfortable contacting those people and telling them what has happened so they know? And then shut down your accounts. He’s proven that neither you nor any potential new partners can trust him, so that whole thing should be well off the table.
Yes, it’s a red flag. He has to do this WITH you. That’s the whole idea.
Ted flag for sure. it was the lack of respect in the response for me
If he is pulling stunts like this already he may not do well after it’s more involved and intense
I mean . . . title aside, this is written like you’re looking for validation and agreement, but it all depends on your communication when you set up the account and when you gave him the login. Is the issue that he sent them rather than you sending them, or that you hadn’t discussed and agreed to send nudes at all? What did you agree on in advance, and when you gave him the login did you tell him he wasn’t allowed to do the things he previously agreed you could do? And were the things he wrote deceptively pretending to be you, or does the account and his messages look like they could be both or either of you? Depending on the answers, I think you already know whether this is a red flag or if you’re blaming him on both of your failures to communicate/not thinking through what you were agreeing to.
If this is a “he should have known the rules don’t apply equally because of gender etc.” thing, then that’s a legitimate concern, but “should have” is useless in a relationship; the real question is whether you checked and communicated about it. He has different lived experiences than you, and thus different things fall under his umbrella of common sense. It’s both of your responsibilities to make sure you’re on the same page. And as others have alluded to, you definitely need to be on the same page before having a threesome.
I would call off the threesome search indefinitely. 🚩🚩🚩
This isn’t so much of a red flag. But rather an entire building made out of red flags.
Personally were I in your shoes i’d be looking for the eject button to this relationship. Not only is this a gigantic breach of trust, its very telling how little he cares about boundaries when its something he really wants. Whats the next thing gonna be you have to ask yourself.
Your instincts are right, you should trust them. In terms of threesome territory. This SHOULD be an absolute deal breaker. If for the sake of argument you’re more interested in preserving your relationship with this person you pretty much have to take threesomes off the table for now. Maybe later down the road when he grows up a bit and realizes how stupid and horrible this was you can retry, but for now trying to make this happen after this is literally just walking into a minefield.
FIRSTLY, threesomes are for people who are already happy and looking to enrich their own sex life. You may have that. But most importantly, threesomes require completely open communication. There cannot be secrets, there cannot be lies and if you’re doing it to placate the other partner it will 100% end in horrible miserable failure. You both have to be able to trust one another and trust that you can communicate things that are important. Can you ask the hard questions like are either of you going to be able to handle seeing your partner have sex with someone else, enjoy it, do things they don’t do with you, make noises they don’t make with you? Are you going to be able to talk about the what ifs etc etc? It all needs to be talked about.
Him going behind your back tells me that not only does he think you’re either not serious about wanting to do it. But hes more interested in finding another person to fuck than including you in the process and making sure you’re ok every step of the way.
You’re not over reacting, this was an incredibly thoughtless move at absolute best and more likely him wanting to get a threesome at the expense of everything else.
Threesomes are already a huge risk and often ruin relationships- this guy doesn’t respect you or your feelings and I don’t see it ending well. You cannot predict what kind of feelings you’ll have in that moment and afterward, and too often someone catches feelings for someone they shouldn’t or jealousy ruins everything. They are just so not worth it.
I would be careful of cheating. Make sure your finances are secure and set boundaries. If he goes past them kick him to the curb.
I know people on Reddit jump to breaking up quick but,
He sent your nudes to strangers without your consent.
Your nudes could be on the internet right now, being used to catfish others or just as fap material for strangers you don’t know.
If you don’t want to break up with him over it, I would at least delete the aps and permanently rescind the option of a threesome. Someone who can’t respect boundaries will violate them during the threesome too.
He doesn’t care what you want, he cares what he wants.
And he has no remorse about it.
What you choose to do about that is up to you.
This is when you take away the option of a threesome and delete your accounts for now. You can bring it back onto the table if he and you start to communicate better
Massive red flag. Definitely not a guy you can trust. This is grounds for relationship termination
Red flags everywhere. Your not wrong for feeling like this is a bad thing. Because it is.
I can speak from his perspective because I was that guy, even worse when I was on cocaine or meth.
He is being selfish and I believe it goes deeper than that.
If he is abusive ever, short-tempered, make things your fault and he is a selfish lover when he is alone with you, then there is a solid chance that he is a narcissist.
I do not know a single person alive who would willingly sign up to want to love a narcissist and that includes narcissist.
I can tell you from experience about the potential places this will lead and yes there will be some really exciting experiences but I can also tell you about the absolute horror show that became the norm.
If drugs are involved, yeesh.
So to answer your question, yes there are screaming loud red flags.
I used to be that guy.
I am happy to answer questions but I should tell you that this is an absolute violation of trust and boundaries.
In a way, it’s like pimping you out.
There is a healthy way to have these kind of relationships and what you are experiencing is the beginning of a nightmare if you are not careful.
I’m not trying to tell you what to do but if I didn’t say anything I would have regretted it.
I cannot change what I did but I can keep it from happening to others.
This would be a relationship ender for me. He broke so many boundaries I can’t even keep count
Red flag
Definitely a red flag… However, in my opinion, your reaction to his behavior probably means that you aren’t as ready for this type of thing in your relationship as you think you are. And his demonstrates that he probably can’t be trusted with threesome boundaries any more than digital ones. This will end badly.
Yeah this is gonna end very very badly lmao
I’m sorry that happened. That’s a flag. You’re not overthinking.
Huge red flag if you ask me! He is not showing the respect, honesty and understanding of CONSENT needed for a successful threesome. Tell him until he understands how he crossed all kinds of important lines and is deeply regretful threesomes are OFF THE TABLE.
Sending your nudes without permission is likely ILLEGAL and WAY OUT OF LINE. As is pretending to be you/speaking for you. And his reaction to your objection is SUPER SHITTY.
Frankly, for me this would be the end of the relationship. Believe someone when they show you who they are. He’s shown clearly he is a manipulative scum bag.
Methinks he knows what he did is wrong. However, even IF it was just a miscommunication:
Definitely no threesome. All 3 people involved in a threesome need to be on the same page regarding boundaries. It seems that even just the 2 that are looking for a third are not even on the same page, so this automatically would disqualify you guys from successfully taking part in a threesome.
If I had any inkling that my partner did something like this knowing that it crosses my boundaries, i would drop that relationship asap. However, if I truly believed that they were just totally, ignorantly confused about what their role was in searching for a third (and as a result pushed farther than they otherwise would have), well, then they may have more room to re-build after such a mistake. And even then, it may still be a relationship I end up dropping. It seems to me that he at least had a little understanding that you wouldn’t be comfortable with his actions, but you know him better than we do.
At the very least, get rid of the apps and call off the threesome. You guys need to focus on what you want the relationship between the two of you to be before adding a third person into the mix.
Technically this is revenge porn. You didn’t give him permission to send photos to other people.
These are all red flags. He should have talked this over with you before anything was sent. You ARE NOT overthinking. Go with your gut feeling.
Ew no my ex did this. He just wanted to fuck others. Please leave.
BREAK UP IMMEDIATELY HE SHOULD HE IN PRISON NOW CALL THE POLICE
Sorry but that’s always gonna be the vibe in these threads and it’s absurd. Y’all need to have a serious conversation about boundaries on the apps your using and boundaries should you actually end up having a threesome. Both need to be on the same page. I imagine before this you guys haven’t had any discussion of boundaries. If he can’t respect your boundaries then he’s not ready for a threesome. If he can then it’s up to you whether to continue on this journey. He clearly has much looser boundaries than you so hopefully you guys can communicate well with each other and come to a good compromise.
You might be thinking about a threesome but you might want to first find a new partner first and start over. Or just put it in your fantasy list for later.
Your boyfriend and your friends are fucking insufferable. How dare people 1. Share your nudes, set up meetings, flirt?!?!? Without your consent??? And 2. Try to downplay it??? You’re boyfriend sounds like a scumbag, how fucking disgusting. You deserve better, op, I’m just repulsed by the behavior, how selfish and inconsiderate. He literally does not give a fuck about your preferences and wants, HE wants to get laid, and he does not care if you like the other person or are enjoying yourself or anything. Idk about a threesome, I wouldn’t even stay with someone that selfish and self centered. Your boyfriend is an asshole and so are your friends.
He has no right to share anything that was not consented to in advance
You need new friends. He betrayed you. End of story.
He did wrong abs.
You are not being unreasonable. You can’t do this kind of thing with no discipline whatsoever. It takes discipline in the form of clear boundaries and asking for consent every step of the way. People worry that will inhibit spontaneity. It won’t. You can negotiate some things beforehand. Other than that, having limits and boundaries actually keeps the appetites sharp. It’s better to have them wanting more than to have them (or you) wanting less.
Have a safe word beforehand and agree to respect it. If a person can’t keep their agreements they can’t be trusted in a situation like this. It’s possible this could be a learning moment, but blowing it in matters of consent for minor things is not a sign that someone is ready to handle more responsibility.
Not only should you call off the threesome, you should call off the entire relationship. What an absolute prick.
I’m not going to say that you must break up with him immediately, but this was indeed a red flag and I will recommend that you not go through with a threesome at the very least until he understands what he did wrong in detail and makes a very good apology. And probably not even then.
My shitty ex-husband did this very thing. It’s wrong, flat out.
I think it’s against the law to impersonate someone and send their nudes in many states.
This isn’t a “red flag” it’s a CRIME. He distributed your nudes without your consent. Without. Your. Consent. The context in which he committed this crime does not matter at all.
thats not a red flag, ITS A WHOLE RED BLANKET. the guy forwarded your nudes without your consent, which is literally a crime as far as i know. and your friends are, sorry to say, wrong here – you may have consented to looking for a threesome partner tgt, but that consent never applied to sharing intimate pictures of you, arranging things with people and impersonating you. he deffo crossed MANY boundaries and if he genuinely doesn’t understand that, its at the very least really really inconsiderate, disrespectful and rude :(( im very sorry he did this to u !!