Me (28M) was with a (27F) for a couple of years, my main issue is that we tend to argue over topics that are Trivial in nature EX: I like a post on instagram but didn’t share it with the person, or that I didn’t text back quick enough even if it was less than an hour. Anyways these arguments tend to diverge into her using my past personal experiences that were the catalyst for my severe depression in my younger years, against me in the argument as a reason as to why we have these issues and won’t work out. It does anger me quite a bit and causes me to retaliate and say things just out of anger and then I’m ultimately the one apologizing and feeling guilty only because I felt disrespected and hurt by her statements and her attempts at psychoanalyzing me and even attaching me to terms that she had googled the night before as if they’re qualified to make those assessments of me. Even if I was calm in my feelings of disrespect it would not stop them from making the same remarks to the T during our next fight. And this has been going on for about a year even when we were separated for a time. Eventually it would just keep pushing me and pushing me to the point where I was just drained and unmotivated in the relationship but kept going strong everyday to keep it together.
My questions are: What does it say about her and her overall character? Why is she hard to reason with even when I’m expressing my feelings were hurt? Am I wrong for reacting and saying things I don’t mean out of anger?
TL;DR: GF uses my past struggle with depression and the specific catalyst of that against me to try to justify her idea that we simply don’t work together because of this one vulnerability of mine that I revealed to her years ago, but have gotten over and no longer struggle with or fear like I once did.
4 comments
Do yourself a favor and reallocate her to the position of ex gf. Your relationship sounds toxic overall. Someone who is constantly bringing up painful past experiences is not a good person who has your best interests at heart.
It is not healthy or ok to bring up past things repeatedly in arguments. Arguments should be focused toward finding solutions, and making your feelings clear. Arguments at ALL should be very rare.
She is hard to reason with because she wants to be hard to reason with.
Your only failing here is not leaving sooner and STAYING left.
So, I’ll tell you this… don’t let someone use your past against you, especially if you are or have worked on it. That’s unacceptable. The person you want to be with should build you up in the areas you are weak, not try to beat you down.
Lastly, I was also in a relationship like this. She would constantly attack me as a person, not talk about her feelings, this led me to bottling it up inside and trying to focus on the feelings and situation at hand. I would get to the point of needing to walk away but stayed because she hated it and told me her boundary was me leaving fights. I should have realized, that my boundary is needing to walk away when I felt at my point of being personally attacked. It’s not right to lash out but it is my right to establish healthy boundaries when I’m at my limit and walk away.
Don’t attack your teammate / partner. Life is already hard as it is. It’s easier with a team.
Anyone SO who uses your vulnerabilities against you like that is not worth keeping. Your SO should be your rock, and lift you up. They should support you in overcoming your issues
I wonder how she’d react if she constantly thought she’s gaining weight and instead of telling her she looks gorgeous you said, yea your turning into a fat ass