Hi, my case isn’t likely to evoke much sympathy. I just don’t have a single person itrw to bounce this off of and I’m curious what others may have to say.
I have always done pretty well financially. I’m not wealthy, but then again I didn’t come from a wealthy family and I wasn’t raised with a wealthy person’s advantages. My wife is from a wealthy family and does have a wealthy’s person’s advantages.
We married, I put up the money for our home, paid the mortgage for 10 years (of a 20 year mortgage) and functioned as the primary bread-winner of the family. Her wealthy parents would buy things for our family, but never anything for me and never anything I specifically wanted. (A piano for the kids to learn on, a replacement rug for the living room, things like that). Never anything that we really needed or anything that was for me per se, but things that are nice to have and you can’t really complain about.
We were always reasonably well off. We had an in-place realistic financial plan to pay off the house, put the kids through college, fund a perfectly reasonable retirement nest-egg, and all that.
She never really made much money, but happened to come upon a niche about 10 years ago that became lucrative and resulted in a payout 2 years ago that made all or our financial planning irrelevant. No more need to worry about saving for anything. Great news, right?
She kept 100% of the money in an account that I can’t touch. I have not personally benefitted at all from this windfall. I am still, in a very real way, living my same middle-class life with all of it’s middle-class challenges and limitations. She is not. She buys whatever she wants whenever she wants.
Every purchase that happens in our family happens because it’s what she wants to do and it’s how she wants to do it. Whether the kids get something or whether they’re allowed to do something is 100% her decision. She just buys it. I came home last month to a new luxury car in our garage. She decided to buy it. She’s choosing where and when the family vacations will be and inviting me along because, after all, she’s paying. She redoes pieces of our home whenever she wants and for whatever reason – whether it needs it or not. She buys furniture on a whim.
My state is not a community property state, but I could, nevertheless, divorce her and get 50% of our shared assets which would include all money she has. I would actually be able to get better than 50% since I could walk away with the home downpayment that came into the marriage with and the reasonably sized 401(k) I had at that time. She had nothing. Still, then I would have live in a different home than my children for at least part of the week and I don’t want to do that.
I’m no longer going on the family vacations. I just have no interest in travelling some place to be with her friends doing what she wants to do. I’m taking no joy and getting no satisfaction out of any of these purchases. I would, quite honestly, be happier alone with just my money than I would be to stay with her. It’s not the kind of relationship my parents had and it’s not the one I envisioned having with her. It’s not fun. It’s weird. And in time it’s becoming intolerable.
So, again, I understand that many people would not appreciate this complaint since they’re in the middle of the struggles of building a paycheck-to-paycheck life. If it helps my case, I went through those times for decades. But I just went from having a pretty good marriage to having hopeless marriage in 2 years and every single piece of this traces back to that windfall. I’m only interested in hearing people’s thoughts.
TLDR: Wife came into alot of money and won’t share.
4 comments
You seem so interested in this money stuff. I’d be worried to share with you too.
Just let it go and stop worrying about money. Maybe she’d be more interested in working together at that point.
It’s important to be on the same page when it comes to a marriage. It sounds like your financial situation is similar to my husband and I, well, the dynamic at least. My money is mine while my husband pays for basically everything. It’s something we agreed on and if anything he has always been insistent on being the provider.
It seems to me like you feel she is hoarding her wealth for herself while you have been the primary provider, you don’t seem to like this, in addition to your input never being asked. You are treated like a second thought.
Accept yourself for who you are. Self-doubt can act like a bully, while acceptance prevents you from walking wounded.
Loving, caring relationship is a universal language that comes from within. This is why loving and respecting yourself establishes a firm footing. From there you can powerfully declare your truth and architect your own life.
Wishing you the best
Talk to an attorney and read the laws in your state. If the money she gained was an inheritance you likely don’t have any legal claim to it especially if she never co-mingled it by way of joint account or using it to pay for the family home directly.
Secondly, if you want to work on your marriage, you need to get into therapy – individual and as a couple. It’s pretty clear you both lack communication and basic respect for one another. And with you’re feelings of hopelessness you’re beyond the point of being able to self heal.
Good luck.