On the 23rd we are hosting a friends Christmas party then the 24th and 25th I’m (F26) spending Christmas with my family. His family party is the 26th which I am happily attending. First of all we had issues with the friends Christmas , he got upset we were hosting people (mostly his friends who have become mine) he stated that I made these plans without asking him. I told him how I came to him and stated that we should have a Christmas party what do you think about that? Which to me is asking. During this initial conversation he said the 23rd worked because his friend is coming into town who he hasn’t seen in years and he would like them to participate. We talked it over and it settled the issue , but considering this next piece I feel it’s important because overall he has been difficult during the holidays.
So on to the next issue, Initially his family party was going to be on Christmas. But this morning he tells me that plans changed. So I said “oh are you coming to my moms Christmas then?” (He is a part of the gift exchange so I figured I should ask) he said “no I don’t want to, do you want me to go?” I said “of course I do but I don’t want you to come if you aren’t up for it.” Which is not a trap, I have told him time and time again that if he doesn’t want to go somewhere he should not come because whenever he feels obligated to go somewhere he doesn’t want to be he gets moody and it ruins the evening. He says he has 6 days off for the holidays and now it’s going to be shit because he has to spend 4 doing holiday plans. I tried talking to him and explained that I don’t want my family’s plans to be the reason he’s upset during the holiday season and that maybe he shouldn’t come if he feels that way. Also My family was the one who asked him to come not I, and I only asked about the 25th He was the one that added the 24th into the equation. He got mad at me and said he was just voicing his opinions but he won’t come for me but for my family because they invited him. But honestly I don’t want him to come if he doesn’t want to be there. It all seems too childish, just don’t come, of course I’d love to spend this time with you but not if you don’t wanna be there. I don’t know what else I can say, I feel like it’s worse then it started now.
TL;DR
My boyfriend has been difficult about the holidays even after I have expressed my understanding of not participating in all the events. Been together for 6 year, been living together for 2 and have 2 dogs.
UPDATE:
After being apart from each other all day and having space to think about how I feel and how he feels we were able to have another conversation. First of all thank you all for putting your input, even the input that put a microscope on me. It’s so important to understand that we are all human and make mistakes or say things that have consequence to others without intending them too. I talked with my partner again and really expressed how I want him to do what he feels is best for himself. As well as expressing how I want to understand how these family events drain him differently then they do me. A couple of you mentioned doing something different for the holidays next year and I will try this because it would be nice to do something one on one. After having this conversation with him he said okay and that he didn’t know what to say. Maybe he will have more to say when he has the time to process his emotions. I hope he will tell me what is best and how he feels if he needs or wants too. Any more advice is appreciated. Tho I feel I have done all I can.
27 comments
I think your partner is a screaming for a break over Christmas and honestly sometimes people just need a year doing that. My fiancé and I were together for 5 years when we had our first relaxing Christmas with just the two of us and it was hard to go back the following year to busy days.
As an introvert, just the idea of having major social plans 4 days in a row is a fairly exhausting proposition. Perhaps he feels similarly?
It seems less to me that it’s personal, ie, he doesn’t want to spend time with you and more that it’s too much holiday for him? I’d be grumpy at your schedule, too.
>come because whenever he feels obligated to go somewhere he doesn’t want to be he gets moody and it ruins the evening.
Honestly I think this is a bigger deal than a lot of people might think, my parents got divorced over that kind of behavior. I think couples counselling might help you both deal with social obligations versus individual recharge time without ruining everyone’s experience.
I feel for you OP. One thing I don’t understand though. If you told your BF you genuinely didn’t care if he stayed home (because you want him there only if he’s happy to be there) then why isn’t the issue resolved?
Why didn’t he just say, “great ok, you’re right I’m tired, overworked, so I won’t be happy to be there and i’ll be moody, so it’s better I just stay home.” Argument over? What is he still upset about? You literally gave him what he want…
Leave no Jolly Scrooge home or have him ruin the holidays for you and your family. Maybe you should tell him you think the day of his family Christmas party you Will——Stay home and relax with your two dogs. He sounds like he is going to be a problem down the sooty chimney on many occasions. Like even for the friends’ Christmas party you planned.
He has to spend 4 of his 6 days off doing the holiday get together thing. That’s a lot. I wouldn’t want to do that either. This is going to keep being an issue as time goes on if you are a party person and he is an introvert. You two really need to be in agreement on how much downtime vs the time you need to be on is acceptable.
There is nothing wrong with one person wanting to be social more than the other. If you know that too many social events in a short period doesn’t agree with him then don’t get upset when you plan a party, expect him to go to 2 days with your family then he has to spend a day with his family that he is going to be over stimulated. If this is the only issue you have then let him have the downtime he needs to recharge without over scheduling him.
Does he have ADHD by chance?
“ whenever he feels obligated to go somewhere he doesn’t want to be he gets moody and it ruins the evening”: so he pouts? Sometimes people do things for their SO because it makes their SO happy. I’m sure everyone who’s ever been in a relationship has gone to something they would rather have skipped. instead of making the best of the situation he tries to ruin for everyone. That’s what toddlers do.
I spent Christmas with my ex-husband’s family for years and mostly enjoyed it. At a certain point though, I wanted to experience waking up in my own home on Christmas morning because I’d never done it! You’d have thought I asked him to do the impossible and it became a point of contention. Have you considered your partner’s desire for some downtime? Maybe ask him what his ideal Christmas plans look like and see what he says.
Man I can tell no one works healthcare here. Six days off and he can’t manage a few days with friends and family ? Four days out of 365.
And he gets two days to himself.
I mean clearly he doesn’t work healthcare or retail. Six days off and he’s complaining? Most of us work Christmas Eve and Christmas and the day after. I haven’t got days off since school for holidays.
I understand introverts and all that. But it’s not like you see people everyday and weekend.
If he’s burnt out from work then he needs to use his vacation time.
Holidays are about being with friends and family. I would be annoyed if my partner acted like this after so many years together. He can’t suck it up for a few days.
Oh look my least favorite man-cliche. The cliche “I expect everything on my terms and if I have to do something social that requires emotional labor, I will sulk and make it totally unpleasant for my partner”
I’m assuming when you say he’s difficult around the holidays you mean every year? Mhmm.
This is a petty and selfish man. You can’t blame immaturity. He doesn’t care to be a partner.
I’m an introvert. This isn’t introversion. This is selfishness.
Relationships are about give and take.
I’m betting he has bad memories of Christmas time growing up and Christmas parties are triggering for him.
If this is the issue, you both need to see a family therapist. If he refuses, THIS IS YOUR WARNING ⚠️ He’s the type not to confront problems and you are left BY YOURSELF dealing the emotions.
The proposed schedule sounds like hell, especially including a party at your place that he didn’t mean to agree to. Him staying home makes perfect sense if you truly won’t make it into a Big Thing. Which it sounds like you won’t. But I wonder – does he have past history with family or friends who say “of course it’s okay for you to stay home” but then resent or punish him for doing that? That’s a pretty common dynamic and I wonder if it’s one he’s used to, if he’s inadvertently getting stuck in that old pattern with you too.
I’ll be honest, I am not a huge holidays no person and really enjoy the time off. Having 4 of his 6 days obligated especially with 3 of them hosting or being with a significant others parents.
One thing I will note, has he ever not came to something that you claimed he didn’t have to and brought it up later? Like you said it was ok, then came home and was like “ well it would have been nice to have you there”? I ask because a lot of times when people say they are letting people off the hook to not come, they usually aren’t doing that or at least as much as they say they are.
One other tip for the future, it might be good to ask him what he wants to do for the holidays. It might help relieve a little pressure and puts more accountability on him. This does not mean he should be able to get out of every obligation, but might give some better perspective on what he wants and he may be more receptive to plans knowing you asked
On the one hand, having 3 big social obligations in a week does sound exhausting. Can you move the friend party to the week before?
On the other hand showing up to a social event just to sulk the whole time is immature and obnoxious.
I have had similar issues. Gf family would visit us and it was fine but I cannot be “on” for that many days in a row. I can’t be around my own family that long without having my own space.
That would be too much for me too as an introvert and someone who does not enjoy parties. The friends’ party day before Christmas Eve unnecessarily adds to the overwhelm.
I would feel drained by the sequential socialization with no downtime to relax. I remember the last time I socialized, I went to a baby shower for two hours and I felt exhausted after I got home.
you know its fine if you dont spend christmas together.
1. Time off during the holidays is supposed to be time off FOR the holidays. Not to just relax.
That said,
2. No rings, no contract, no obligation. Yes I’m being steadfast about this. Living together, no matter how long, isn’t being married. There are studies that show a differential in mindset and behaviors.
Ideally, negotiating something satisfactory and workable for both of you is the best option. Until you’re married, the obligation is to your family not to your partner. And until you’re married, those two are not the same thing.
4/6 days of vacation spent having to do the social and holiday stuff sounds exhausting personally.
Its a little unclear when you say he gets mad etc. Also did you already tell your family that’d he’d be attending prior to checking with him? Or are they under no impression that he’d be coming?
> He says he has 6 days off for the holidays and now it’s going to be shit because he has to spend 4 doing holiday plans
Man, I feel him.
Its not that you dont want to spend time with family and loved ones, but when you finally get a chance to have a break, sometimes its nice to have a break.
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>But honestly I don’t want him to come if he doesn’t want to be there. It all seems too childish, just don’t come, of course I’d love to spend this time with you but not if you don’t wanna be there. I don’t know what else I can say, I feel like it’s worse then it started now.
Because we understand that not all events are the same.
Cousins 32nd birthday? I’ll be staying home, thanks.
Family Christmas? Thats a lot harder to turn down.
Its great that you don’t have a problem with him staying home, but he knows he’ll be judged.
i’m not even going to y’all’s events and i’m feeling anxiety just reading about them
Your bf sounds like me, I absolutely loathe family events, and when they take up all of my well earned vacation time I tend to get bitter. Its not that I dislike my family, I just prefer them in small doses on my terms lol
Is he usually like this at the holidays? Is something else going on with him? Or do you have this same fight every holiday season?
From your description you both seem a bit immature. He’s 31 yet he’s pouting that the time he has off for the holidays has to be spent doing holiday stuff. Yes that’s what it’s for. He should consider himself lucky to get 1/3 of his holiday leave to himself. Most people use all of it and them some just visiting family. And your comment that he’s grumpy if he has to do something he doesn’t want to do… is he 12? And then you try to talk to him and he stonewalls. He needs to grow up.
Your communication sucks. Stop playing this game, I clearly want you to do something but I’m not going to say that because I want you to want to do the thing I want you to do. You’re allowed to tell your partner OF SIX YEARS (holy hell), yes I want you to come to my family’s for Christmas. That is not being difficult or controlling. Somehow I think your and BF’s relationship issues are deeper than the holidays.
You both sound like you could use some communication skills strengthening. It sounds like you may be the more extroverted partner and like he may be introverted. What many extroverts do not practice enough or even people pleasing introverts (like me) is understanding exactly how pervasive energy leakage can be.
It seems your boyfriend has some idea of how this affects him by attempting to limit the functions but obviously has not mastered how to clearly communicate his needs and say no. He needs to say no in those instances where he goes and then is miserable and resentful and you need to learn to respect the no and not take it to be a personal attack. Clear is kind. So, do not say something like “oh I am fine if you skip this” if you are going to betray that statement with your actions towards him. Practice meaning that if you are going to say it. Also take it from someone who just has much less fucks to give with obligation and has been in the trenches of boundary setting with family, attending events when they are genuinely attractive to you and not going or doing out of obligation is such a fantastic muscle to build for mental health.
I mean, having plans back-to-back like that sounds super draining. I don’t think I’ve had a free weekend since mid-October, and I am beyond over it. And with Christmas coming up, I know I won’t be doing much relaxing any time soon. I get irritable when I don’t get time to myself so I can understand why he may be snappy with you about it.
That being said, if he doesn’t want to go, take him for his word and just go without him. There’s nothing worse than having to go somewhere and fake smiles and laughs when you don’t want to be there, and it’s not fun for anyone else that your sour mood is giving everyone negative energy. You state over and over that you’re okay with him not wanting to come, but the way your post reads doesn’t really sound like it. He’s already doing the friends’ party with you and doing Christmas with his family the day after your family is doing it. Let him have some time alone