I met (we will refer to him as Fred) when I was 19-20. He was older than me, but I liked that because it was much better than dating someone in college. The conversation was good, it was actually about interesting topics, and he just overall seemed super into me. He was looking for something more serious, putting the time in, and I just wasn’t in that head space then. He lives in another state, so that also didn’t help that we hardly ever got to see each other and again, I wasn’t prioritizing that. So he started to get really fed up and we didn’t talk for a very long time. I will mention that around this time he did start to get really mean, like he always had to be right, nothing I ever said was the righ thing, and every time I would try to reach out he would shut me down and tell me that I was feeling sorry for myself when I would express that I was remorseful. Anyways, I have always really regretted how that all went down, and now that I am older I wish I could start it all over because he was a really good guy. The intensity of the fallout was a bit much on his end, but now that I am older I feel like instead of looking at it as a red flag I want to look at it as someone being really hurt because Fred was much more invested in us than I was. I do want to add as well we never officially started dating. It was just 6-7 months of talking back and forth and it was clear that he was very very invested in wanting to make it something more. After the fallout which was in 2019, we haven’t talked since.
​
He reached out three days ago, just saying “hey Chelsea”. We have been texting a bit but it seems to fizzle out and the conversation isn’t like it used to be. I really really really want to show him that I have grown up and that I am ready to give 110% without seeming needy or whatever else. First, what reason do you guys think he reached out? It’s not like it’s for sex we live in different states! Also, how do you think I should handle texting him/this situation? It was radio silence all day yesterday. (BTW he is a Capricorn because this info matters to some)!!!
​
TL;DR! My ex who I was too young to appreciate at the time just randomly texted me and I do not know what to do about it!
8 comments
I’d steer clear of a man in his 30s looking to date college students states away, he hasn’t changed
Hmmm…older guy dates way too young and starts to get mean and manipulative because you’re in college and you’re not prioritizing him.
What makes you think this emotionally immature man has grown up at all?
You’re making excuses for his behavior.
The behavior you describe when you were dating is not “good guy” behavior.
Normal, well-adjusted, decent 30 year olds don’t want to get serious with 19 year olds. This Fred guy is bad news.
What you’re really describing here is an older man who flattered you by showing interest in you, having conversations about topics you enjoy, and wanting to get serious with you. Then when you expressed that you didn’t want that kind of commitment (like literally any normal 19-20 year old) he got mean and constantly put you down, gaslighting you about what emotions you were feeling and why.
Fred sucks. He toyed with you because he wanted to. He’s just reaching back out to start the cycle over again. Don’t fall for it; you deserve better than a Fred.
Why do you want to waste your life with a man who is so immature that he has to date someone a decade younger than him? You’re gonna outgrow him eventually.
he is 100% reaching out for sex, thinking different states changes that in any way is incredibly naive.
> he was a really good guy
Was he really?
> I will mention that around this time he did start to get really mean, like he always had to be right, nothing I ever said was the righ thing, and every time I would try to reach out he would shut me down and tell me that I was feeling sorry for myself when I would express that I was remorseful.
He doesn’t sound like a good guy.
You’re not describing a good guy. You’re describing someone who acted nice to get you into a relationship and then started treating you like crap. He will do the same if you date him again.
I think the only time it’s acceptable to go back to an ex is when situational circumstances break you up, and then they are resolved. Such as living in the same city. Otherwise, you will likely face the exact same issues that you experienced when you were together.