TL:DR – my older sister thinks her first screenplay ever is going to sell for millions – and is getting weird and competitive with me. I don’t really want to talk to her anymore – but I also don’t want to cause bad blood as our parents are super old. Does anyone have a suggestion on what to do?
First off, I love my sister. We have a decent relationship, but she’s really selfish and that has gotten in the way over the years. (like, she just expects me to do what she asks, when she asks, and will guilt-trip me if I have something else going on)
She’s one of those weird people who thinks they don’t need to do any legwork to succeed. She’s had a ton of different “professions” but she always fails because she thinks that the first job she should get is like CEO or VP or something. She’s never had a low-level job where she’s had to work to get to the top – and has basically lived off our parents her entire life. My dad once said to me “I could never leave you enough money in my will to make it even between the two of you.”
Anyway, big surprise, she now wants to be a Hollywood screenwriter. She’s written one script – and to put it kindly, it reads like someone who has never studied screenwriting, read screenplays, or even like watched a five minute “how-to” on youtube about it. There’s no story, the formatting is all off, and it’s so amateurish it’s painful.
The problem for me is I’m a screenwriter. I’ve had ups and downs in my career, but I’ve worked my butt off for 15 years to get where I am. I started as a PA getting coffee, I went to film school, and I put in the hours.
So now she thinks this one script is a ticket to the big time. She’s sure that someone is going to give her MILLIONS of dollars to make it. She keeps coming to me for my thoughts on how she can market it, and I’ll tell her, but then she argues with me and does it the way she wants. I suggest books for her to read for the basics – but she doesn’t read them. Because (I think) she thinks she’s already a pro.
Today I was talking to her about a recent professional success and she seemed visibly upset – like she was feeling competitive with me. But I’ve been doing this for 15 years!!!
I told her recently that if she doesn’t want to take my advice, there’s nothing I can do to help, but she keeps asking me questions (but it really seems like the only answer she wants to hear is “you’re right”). I am trying not to start a family feud, but I’m REALLY PISSED OFF that she thinks that this is some easy thing where you write a script and you go to the big time.
And I’m EXCEPTIONALLY pissed off that she seems jealous or competitive with me, when this is like one of 20 “careers” she’s had and I’ve been working my tail off for years.
My mom says that I should be nice and keep offering to help – and my dad basically says that she’s crazy, I should ignore her, and “maybe he shouldn’t have shook her as a child” (which I think is a joke?)
The parents are old and I really don’t want to get into a whole thing where when they die there’s going to be bad blood between us, but I also kind of hate talking to her because she’s so narcissistic and delusional. What should I do? Does anyone have a sibling like this?
25 comments
Everybody is entitled to their own mistake
You should stop judging whether she will succeed—you’re not her parent. You should stop worrying about If she’ll take your advice—you’re not her boss. You’re her sibling, sooo.. either give her the gift of a few minutes of achieve when she asks for it, or decide you’re too busy and don’t. That the end of your relationship with her screenwriting.
My older sister is just like this. 35 living in my parents basement, hasn’t ever kept a job for more then a couple months but thinks she is a gift to man kind. I understand exactly what you’re feeling. No one makes me as upset as she does, I feel for you; it’s horrible to be around someone who makes you not yourself.
The hardest thing I’ve had to realize is that “she’s not my problem” and at some point your own mental health needs to take priority over endless attempts to get through to a delusional person. The only thing you can do is figure out your own boundaries with her, what is and is not acceptable behavior for you to remain engaged with her.
I explained to my parents what I need to do around her in order to maintain my own mental health. I’m sure your parents would understand if you talked to them about it, put the conversation back on you and your needs, seeing as they are dealing with it as well. A sibling like this can consume a family.
Professional writer here.
Refer her to a directory of agents. Let them deal with her. Give your agent a heads-up in case she contacts them, so they know you are not (re)commending her. Worst case she has a freak success and with the aid of an army of studio rewriters she makes millions.
Keep your head down for the next 18 months until she gets bored with it and announces she’s going to become an astronaut/catwalk model/rap singer/fashion designer
Let reality kill her dream, you don’t have to. And you shouldn’t, or she will resent you for it.
why not just tell her to shop it around like all the pros do?
You can be ambivalent. Just say vague things…
– You’re working so hard!
– You seem to enjoy writing.
– Such a great project!
She doesn’t want real advice. You don’t want to provide false hope or waste your own time. Keep it vague and generalize your responses. Kind of like talking to a toddler.
Your answer to her from now on should be something along the lines of “i’ve already given you plenty of advice but you did otherwise, so do what you feel right because I don’t want to get involved in this anymore”, this way you can be honest and set a boundary but not criticize anything she’s doing directly other than her behavior towards you.
Why do you try to help her? Save your frustration by leaving her to twiddle her own thumbs. Sounds like you are getting worked up, when you should be “greyrocking” tell her she’s right, let her hear what she wants to hear, and she can twist in the wind on her own. None of this “advice” bs is your responsibility she’s a grown ass woman
I think your father has this about right. She’s just not living in reality, you’ve put more effort than necessary into helping her and she’s not interested in following your advice, so just disengage. Trying to do so is just going to get you aggravated to the point that you could say something that causes a permanent rift, and isn’t that really what you want to avoid?
Sounds like you need some healthy boundaries when it comes to your sister. I would try something like “Ya know you’ve asked me questions about this screenplay before and I’ve given you my advice in the past but that didn’t go too well. You seem to not want to take it or to argue about it so I’ve decided to not get involved. I love you and I will support you from the sidelines. Good luck!” Continue to have a relationship with her outside of work related topics. If she asks you again, keep reiterating that for your mental health/positivity/whatever you wanna call it, you’ve decided to stay out of her screenwriting efforts.
I get that it’s frustrating because you’ve put lots of time and money and creativity into doing what you love. But you have already stated here that she is pretty delusional. If you’d like to maintain a relationship with her, for yourself and/or your parents, that’s perfectly ok. I’d just recommend reminding yourself that she’s going to write a few things, someone else will tell her they are bad, then she will lose interest and move on to the next thing.
This is the plot of Adaptation
At this point, grey-rocking her is probably your best bet when and if you have to interact with her: Non-commital nods, an occasional “uh huh,” maybe even a “gee sis idk it took me YEARS to get to this point, given that you’re an instant genius idk if I have anything to offer you as a humble pleb.”
For your own sanity, share your triumphs with those who support you (make a separate group chat for non-assholes) and if she goes looking for something to be mad about, that’s her problem – YOU know she’s not competing with you. She’s not even at the racetrack.
And please know that as someone currently working as an industry reader this post gave me a sympathy migraine on your behalf. Praying she finds her next Instant Success Train soon.
Get very boring about this and change the subject every single time. If she asks for advice: “I’m not sure about that” + subject change. Brags non-stop: “huh, sounds cool” + subject change.
By the way, try to stop being pissed off. I get it, it’s annoying, but it has nothing to do with you besides perhaps envy. She sounds like she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, and she’s been coddled her whole life. Her opinion of how easy it is to get into screen writing is not based in reality, and also completely irrelevant to you, someone with actual knowledge on the topic. I’d stay away from even telling her about your professional successes. You have other outlets for that (right?), and you know she’s never been professionally successful, so best to just stay away from the topic as much as possible.
If you’d like to set a boundary about talking shop, the easiest way is to make it about you – because it is!
“I notice I get tense when we talk screenwriting. I’m glad you’re doing something you love and I wish you all the success – I’m just not able to be the kind of sister I want to be when I get into my business brain. Happy to point you towards other resources, and hear about your wins! I just want to make sure I stay in the role of sister and stay out of professional advice-giving.”
And then you uphold the boundary and refuse to give advice.
Let her send it off and get rejected. You don’t have to be the one to tell her its bad.
Just stop giving her serious advice.
1. Hide your success from her. Like seriously, no more updates on how well you’re doing because that just fuels her desire and “right” to bother you for advice.
2. Remain vague in your advice.. she won’t follow your advice either way. So tell her whatever will occupy her time for a bit. However, you offering advice, helping and being involved gives her , to some extent, permission to bother you and most importantly, fuel to be annoyed if her project doesn’t do well. She may feel entitled to put the blame on your advice. So , ideally, you wouldn’t be afraid to put at least some boundaries to your sister’s horrible behaviour. You’re 30 not 13 anymore. It’s ok if your relationship is t the best. She won’t desert you. She’s very spoiled, your mom is super wrong to ask you to reinforce her behaviour.
Ideally, you shouldn’t be involved AT ALL in her screenwriting. I understand not feeling confident enough to confront your sister and wanting to keep the peace. So, you can say something like ” truth is, I’m busy with my own projects. I wish I could help you more but I can’t do it personally. Apart from 1h on Fridays (for example) I have limited time to look at your project. Maybe you can talk to another expect about this ” and recommend someone else for her.
3. I understand your anger. I honestly do. She’s not being nice to you. However, things aren’t magically gonna be better without you speaking up at least a bit (although a lot would give you peace of mind). Nobody is going to help you if you don’t help yourself. You have to be accountable for what’s bothering you. Did you post here for passive advice to handle your sister? I can offer that, sure. But it won’t solve your problem. You can start by trying small boundaries, like offering your help on special, limited times during the week which will lessen as time passes. Nobody can blame you if you’re super busy yourself.
4. I see that she’s getting under your skin. Try to explore those feelings. As others said, you don’t have to take on the parent or boss role. You really don’t have to offer her advice. I’m sure she’s annoying and entitled. I’m speculating you perhaps enjoy pointing out what she does wrong in her marketing efforts? Even though she doesn’t listen it’s a game you seem to tolerate. If that’s not the case, and you’re being for example pushed to help and feel obligated, ask yourself why you continue down this path, even though it’s harmful to you.
Your sister sounds like she has some narcissistic tendencies. You don’t have to endure them, excuse them or entertain them. I think small weekly boundaries and attempts to say no more often, would do wonders for your situation
OP, my ex husband is delusional like this. Has never put in the work but thinks he’s CEO material. It’s exhausting. Still thinks he could have been Marlon Brando.
It got way easier when I just started saying, “that will be great when it happens!” and stopped arguing or trying to have a logical discussion with an illogical person (or narcissist). In your case, if you can’t go NC with her, you could try just saying, “hmm, what do you think would work best?” and then let her go on and on with her delusional ideas until you can escape the conversation.
After all, she’s not actually seeking advice or a conversation, she’s just looking for an audience.
Two things come to mind, which are both along the same lines:
1. There must be some sort of independent professionals who read and help refine screenplays, right? Or even provide marketing services for screenwriters? Tell her to hire a professional, and you can walk away.
2. Suggest she submit her screenplay to an agent for review – depending on your Evil Quotient, you could even make a connection to either someone you dislike and know will give her a true professional assessment or, if you have a close contact you trust, someone who already knows this story and will provide professional feedback.
Either way, these would get her out of your hair, at least for a while.
Another option, of course, is to go for classical operant conditioning.
Don’t ever give her what she’s asking for, so that her unwanted behavior is never rewarded, but instead refocus her on reality:
“Sis, you have never paid any attention to any of the answers I’ve given to your questions. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing, over and over, and expecting different results. Therefore, were I to answer this question, I have no illusions that you would pay attention to it now, and, for that reason, I choose not to answer you now.”
Then, basically, just repeat it, ad nauseum, until she gives up.
But I say all of that as someone who isn’t dealing with your sister, which makes it really easy for me.
Good luck!
I think these dynamics are like those finger puzzles (thanks talented writers on Severance)- the more you try to pull them apart the more they cling on, give in a little and they let go.
Basically, your feelings are valid, but your sister is never going to show you respect or take the hard path. Want to make this all disappear? Stop trying to get her to see reality & give her the smallest amount of energy you can- call it mild grey rock (google grey rock). She asks for your opinion? Tell her ‘wow, it’s great you wrote that so fast!’ She asks you what next steps to take? Tell her, ‘I don’t know, it’s been so long since I worked without an agent. Huh, I bet you could google that.’
Just light and breezy. The quicker you stop feeding the sibling rivalry angle the faster she’ll move on to the next thing/ finger puzzle unleashed.
Keep your conversations brief. If she asks your advice, give it (without criticizing her) and if she argues just say, “Well that’s my advice. I don’t know everything and I might be wrong. It’s your decision whether you think the advice is worthwhile.”
The big thing is that when she fails you don’t want her to have an excuse to blame you. You gave her your best advice. You didn’t discourage her. She made all the decisions.
If she asks for feedback say something like “well writing is very personal and everyone does things differently, and different isn’t always better or worse. These are the things I personally like that you’ve done and these are the things I would have done differently.” Avoid the argument about which is better. Don’t try to persuade her. You would do some things differently because you’re a different person.
I have a long time childhood friend like this. Narcissistic. The competitiveness and narcissism basically ruined our friendship. I rarely see or talk to her now, but we have some mutual friends, so I have to occasionally see her and be civil. She didn’t use to be so bad, but the narcissism and competitiveness became so much that I no longer felt the need or desire to keep in touch. If I would talk to her about a place I would like to travel to, she made sure she went there before I could. If I would talk about something I was planning to purchase, she would go out and buy it for herself before I could. If I would try to talk to her about anything happening in my life, she would give minimal or no response and turn the discussion back to her things. I learned not to tell her about anything I was planning or going to or doing or purchasing. If she saw something I had that she did not, she went out and bought it. The exact same thing, or just a step above. When I got my degree and my job (Social Worker), she decided she was going to go into that field also, and tried to sign up for some kind of training program for an uncredentialed social worker, but she was not accepted into the program, so that area of competitiveness was a dead end for her. So I definitely know how you feel.
My advice to you would be to not discourage her, as that’s just going to fuel her competitiveness even more. Gray Rock. That’s what you do with narcissists. And if she asks for your advice, give minimal feedback. She will eventually tire of that when it doesn’t work out for her, and she’ll move on to her next big thing. It’s too bad that narcissists can’t let you have your own thing without trying to horn in on it, but that’s what they do. Narcissists have to feel superior, so this is typical behavior. When she realizes she can’t accomplish what you have, she’ll find some way to put down various aspects of your job to make herself feel better.
You are taking this *way* too personally & getting much too involved.
Wish her good luck, **don’t discuss your success with her** and keep your interactions to talking about your parents.
This can be a lot simpler situation than you are making it.