I know the title may sound kind of bad or confusing, so I’ll try my best to explain. My mom (late 50sF) is driving my sister and I (both early 20sF) crazy. The past few years, our relationship with her has gotten worse, but we’re not sure why. I feel like there’s a lot of issues that are going on that therapy would help with, but I’m going to focus on this issue specifically because I’m completely confused on how to handle it.
Lately, whenever my sister and I say something or suggest an idea that she disagrees with, she tells us that we can’t tell her what to do because we’re her children.
This is just one of many examples, but today we were discussing our Easter plans. My sister and I are back from college, so we were initially planning to go see extended family over the weekend. However, my grandpa got sick with a pretty bad sinus infection (tested negative for covid thankfully) a few days ago. To be on the safe side, I suggested that we stay home because we’ll see that side of the family again soon, my parents are leaving on a trip in a couple days, and it’s a busy time of the school year for both me and my sister. My dad and sister both agreed! But because the idea came out of my mouth, my mom got angry, yelled at me, and said that as her child, I don’t determine our family’s plans. My dad ended up convincing her to let the three of us stay home, but she’s still going to visit family.
I’m tired of being treated terribly by her and my sister is too. How do I proceed in this relationship with her? Our dad truly tries to defend my sister and I, and I try to respect my parents, although I know I’m not always perfect. But I should be allowed to voice my opinion in a respectful way, even if she disagrees with it. I just don’t know how to get her to see that even though we are her children, we’re adults who can engage in conversation with her and have differing ideas.
TL;DR: my sister and I can’t ever hold a different opinion or express an idea to our mom because she believes that as her children we should not tell her what to do.
2 comments
Did/does her mother treat her the same way? She may just be modeling the behavior she herself experienced. If so, if anyone’s going to get through to her on changing this dynamic it’s realistically going to be your dad. (It will presumably be easier if she remembers being frustrated with her mom and can therefore empathize with you, once it’s pointed out by a third party.)
For some parents, it’s also *very* difficult to reconcile with the fact that their children are, in fact, grown up and can make decisions for themselves. If this is the case, there’s not much to do but wait for reality to set in for her that you aren’t kids anymore. Again, your dad can help but she’s still the one who ultimately has to take the next mental step forward.
Ik I’m just an outside observer but to me it sounds like she’s having trouble adjusting to the idea that you and your sister are adults now, and real individuals with thoughts and feelings of your own, so she keeps reminding you that you’re her children as a way to like, “put you in your place”
I don’t really know how to fix that, and I may be reading too much into it, but to me it sounds like classic narcissism, so maybe start with finding coping strategies for children of narcissists? I think there’s a Reddit community for that but I can’t remember what it’s called.