What does good vs bad communication look like in a relationship?

2 comments

1. “Hey hon- remember how I mentioned that coming home and immediately seeing a sink full of dirty dishes causes my stomach to sink, especially when I’ve been working all day and you’ve been home? Well, it’s happened again. We need to get this sorted out as it makes me feel very discouraged and frankly annoyed. I don’t want to feel this way when I first get home from work.”

   As opposed to

   “@#$%& asshole- I’ve asked you 2000 times to wash the #$%^&dishes!!!!”

2. Good communication requires effort on both/all parts. It can’t be left to one person always to initiate, share, and compromise. You also have to be a good listener to be a good communicator. Even if you feel your partner is being irrational or unfair, hear them out.

   Openness and honesty are key, which means discussing uncomfortable topics sometimes. If you tackle smaller issues head-on instead of being too passive (something I’m still working on), they are less likely to snowball into a bigger, ongoing problem. Clearly state how you feel rather than expecting your partner to be a mind reader, and in turn, ask for clarification if you’re ever confused. When you’re too angry or upset to talk, tell your partner that you need space to cool off, and you’ll talk later – this helps me avoid unnecessary fights.

   My therapist told me to remember that we only control ourselves and our own emotions, not other people, so when talking to or confronting someone, we should stick to “I” statements. Pointing the finger and backing someone into a corner just makes people defensive, which tends to lead to fights rather than opportunities to work out solution.

   Instead of, “You didn’t do what I asked