So, the longer version is that, my girlfriend and I have sustained a healthy relationship for almost 4yrs now. She is a very devoted lover to this date and our relationship is as smooth as it could be because she always kept my career first, which is pretty important to me. And I can define myself as being as loyal as one can be. So this can be a surprise for me when I start developing feelings for someone especially when she is completely opposite to girls I usually date.
This started as a prank at my new place of work, where I was dared to initiate the talk to this girl. Although she is pretty, I fall more for connection then looks. I even told my gf about the incident. But then this other girl and I start chatting, and I started feeling connection. When I realize this, I cut her off completely from my life, keeping the workplace interaction to a minimum.
I am in no mood of getting to this other girl, even if I breakup, because I am not ready for such drastic changes in my life at this point of time. But every time I talk to my gf, I feel a heavy guilt of not telling her this, especially as it has never happened to me before. I don’t know how our relationship dynamics will change after telling her. But it feels like cheating and selfishness, not telling her all this.
TL;DR I don’t want to be with this another girl, but it feels heavy guilt, not telling my gf the truth. What should I do here, let the temptation cool off eventually?, or should I tell her about it?, if so, what is the best way to put it to her? Is there some way to save my relationship now?
3 comments
Save your relationship from what? Being tempted by something and not following through? You told your girlfriend all about your interactions with this other girl. And your stuff isn’t on fire on the lawn. IN fact, it doesn’t seem like she’s phased at all? So you’re fine.
Look man, feelings happen. Crushes happen. That’s not cheating. That’s just part of being in a long-term relationship. There are ups and downs. There WILL be temptations. Ask anyone you know who’s been married a while. They all describe it as WORK. And this is part of that work.
Just keep this to yourself and commit to reconnecting with your girlfriend. All confessing would do is unburden YOU and make your girlfriend feel like shit. Your punishment is you get to squash this crush yourself.
Unless you WANT to break up with your girlfriend. But that seems like a different post…
I might get some downvotes for this, but I’m going to advise that you ***don’t*** tell your girlfriend about this other girl. I think there’s this modern myth that in a healthy relationship, you have to be 100% honest with each other about everything and disclose all of your thoughts and emotions to your partner. That’s a bunch of BS. In reality, there are some things where telling your partner would do more harm than good. I think telling her about this other girl would be more about clearing your own conscience than it would be about helping her. In fact, it would probably hurt her pretty badly to tell her that you have feelings for another girl. There’s another solution here, and I don’t think it will involve as much collateral damage.
Rather than having this big disclosing event, I have a four-step plan for you:
First and foremost, you need to remove any possibility of intimacy with this other girl. At the very least, you are invested in an emotional affair with her, and it’s only going to escalate from here unless you put a stop to it. Stop messaging her. Do not arrange to get together with her in a one-on-one setting (even in a public place like a coffee shop). Do not allow for the possibility of intimacy. You need to cut off this emotional affair before either of you get deeper into it. Whatever guilt you feel now is going to increase tenfold as soon as the affair becomes physical. You don’t need to completely cut her out of your life, but you need to set boundaries with her so that she knows you’re not interested in being intimate with her.
Second, you need to figure out what it is you’re not getting from your current relationship. I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself, man. You said that your partner is very devoted, that the relationship is smooth, and that she supports your career. Is that really the whole story? I’m not buying it. Clearly, there’s something you’re seeing in this other woman that you’re not getting from your current relationship. I don’t know you, so I don’t know what that thing is. Maybe your sex life is dry? Maybe you just don’t communicate anymore? Maybe you haven’t had any new experiences with your partner in a while? Maybe you just don’t feel intimate with your partner anymore (sex is not the same thing as intimacy, btw)? Look within yourself and figure out what it is you’re missing in your current relationship.
Third, once you’ve figured out what you’re missing in your current relationship, you need to communicate that to your partner. It’s not going to be an easy conversation, but I guarantee it will help. It’s okay to tell your partner that you feel like something is missing, or that one of your needs isn’t being met. Initiate this difficult conversation, preferably at a time when you’re both calm and sober.
Fourth, and this might be the most important step of all, you need to listen to your partner. Odds are, there’s a reason something is missing in the relationship. Listen to how your partner responds when you communicate that your needs aren’t being met. Maybe you communicated that your sex life is lackluster, and your partner responds by saying she hasn’t been able to perform sexually because she’s been stressed about work. That’s just a hypothetical example, but the point is that you need to absorb your partner’s perspective on the matter.
After that point, there are many possibilities. Ideally, you and your partner gain a new perspective on your relationship, and your individual needs transform into your shared needs. Ideally, you find some kind of compromise, and find a way to restore what has been lost. However, it might not be that simple. Maybe you’ll find that you’ve grown apart. Maybe you’ll find that you’ve both changed so much that you’re no longer compatible. You may discover through this conversation that it’s time to end the relationship.
I don’t envy your position at all. You have some difficult conversations ahead of you. To reiterate, I don’t think you need to tell your partner about this other woman. I think there’s a reason your eye has started to wander, and it’s much more important for you to find and address that reason as a couple than it is for her to know all the ugly details of your emotional affair.
>our relationship is as smooth as it could be because she always kept my career first
Do you plan on this being the case forever? It sounds like she’s been making some concessions, because let me tell you that it isn’t easy to be with someone who puts their career before you.
>This started as a prank at my new place of work, where I was dared to initiate the talk to this girl.
You’re too old to be doing these things, come on. Especially at work.
>every time I talk to my gf, I feel a heavy guilt of not telling her this, especially as it has never happened to me before.
Let me ask you: what do you hope to obtain by telling your gf about this crush? What do you expect her to do about it? Say “it’s all good, OP, it happens to everyone!”? Shrug her shoulders and say she doesn’t care? Break up with you? What does putting your guilt on her to deal with, accomplish in this situation? How would it make your lives better, as a couple?
If you want to tell her only because you feel guilty, then don’t. It isn’t her burden to bear and she isn’t your therapist, to help you process this. It’s on you to find a way to deal with it without hurting her.
And do reconsider that “career first” outlook. If you developed a crush on that woman, it means that you feel something’s missing in your relationship, and you owe your gf the honesty of talking about it (not the crush!) if you’re unhappy, and then try to reach an agreement on how to proceed next i.e. what needs to change with both of you.