For reference you can go back and look at past post over some of the issues my husband and I have had regarding our sex lives.
So a few months ago I found my husbands “fuck list”. I don’t really care about the body count or that he has fucked that many women. What I care about is how it’s made me feel. It’s made me feel so inadequate. I have been with 4 guys, 3 were relationships and 1 was a one night stand. We are a household of 5, about to be 6 and one all fingers and toes are still not enough to count his past partners.
I’m the last one on that list of course. I’ve spoken to him about how I feel given our past complications regarding our sex lives. This hasn’t helped at all. I’ve not felt any level of security in our relationship for a while. I feel incredibly undesirable and I feel like so much of what he does with and for me beyond sex is just cause he has too.
I wonder how many times he’s compared me to his last fucks. How many times I haven’t been good enough for him. All the times he has wished I was someone else, someone from his past. He claims these thoughts have never crossed his mind, but again, due to our (honestly it’s been recent) issues I can’t bring myself to believe him and fine comfort in what he says.
If I could go back in time I wouldn’t five guys just to do so so that wouldn’t change for me. It was never my thing. I doubt myself so much I’m our relationship and I can’t seem to stop it.
What do I do?
6 comments
You cannot change the past, so this is a quest to make the future work for you. I’d feel the same way if MY wife had a body count like that, so you aren’t crazy.
Maybe use his experience to help increase your own? Maybe ask him to tell you about some wild thing from his past that you could do with him. Some trick or technique he misses, some position or toy or…. whatever, within your limits of course. That requires some powerful trust and respect, but it could be done.
I’m in a second marriage now. I was a virgin in the first marriage and so was he.
I met Mr. Wild, and it sounds like he had so much experience. I heard the stories of on the bus on the way to sports in high school to doing the chicks while in town on a building project. Inside I was disgusted and I wondered what he really thought of women and why things happened …..
Guess what? That was the past. In my mind, I had to look at him and decide if I was thrilled with the man in front of me. I liked his morals. I liked his goals. I liked his strength. I liked so many things. So for whatever reason the past bothered me, I decided he loved me and I would not be hurt by him. He really loved me. His past is forgiven. And like a lot of people, he did a lot of growing and changing. I’m thrilled with the man he is now.
Live in the present and make decisions from there. And if he is a good man, then have confidence in yourself and believe he’s thrilled with you (even in bed).
Good luck.
Tl;DR: Just trust your man and stop lying to yourself and ruining your own luck.
Accept that he loves you and has chosen you over every girl he had back then or could possibly have.
First of all:
Finally stop lying to yourself.
No, you do. You’re doing it all the time.
You’ve written it multiple times in this post alone.
His body count makes you crazy and bothers you.
Stop pretending and look your fear right in the eye.
You’re feeling insecure about your own thoughts and don’t accept the truth even to that point you don’t believe him.
This is the only pettiness and miserable thing about you.
Grow beyond yourself.
He has chosen you. Not one of his fuckbuddies.
None of them matter anymore, only you matter.
He has chosen you.
You.
Grow the fuck up and start being that beautiful woman he already sees in you.
And then accept the fact that you can’t change anything. The past, the present nor his mind.
If he loves you and wants to stay with you, you’ve won.
Now concentrate on being together.
If he wants to fuck someone else, you can’t do a thing against that. He is a free being, so are you.
Does he fuck someone else?
Are you fucking someone else?
Don’t compare your insecure thoughts against him.
Trust me. In the long run you’re ruining your relationship and everything else with that.
Source: trust me, bro. (And I was an insecure idiot myself and ruined two beautiful relationships of 5 years each before I’ve grown a spine and met my now wife).
All I had to do was to accept the truth (and damn, that was rough).
My now wife had 5 dudes before and i surely know one of him was a great lover and he was very well “equipped”. Well, she is still more happy with me and loves our sex life, even if it’s rare (since we both are working a lot and are busy most of our time). Did I also had a girl before who was also a great lover? Of course. Man, that girl was really awesome in bed. Do I think of her or wishing her back (even for a second)? Hell, no. It’s over and I’m happy about that. I wouldn’t change a second to be with anybody else than my wife.
I prefer our sex even it’s a bit more vanilla, just because I deeply trust her and feeling confident with her.
Feeling trusted and appreciated is something I achieved in the past years I wouldn’t risk or can lose for anything at all.
And none of my friends or any man I know who is in a happy and serious relationship thinks different.
An actual list? Really?
Well… he married you for a reason.. you were in totality better than all those others. To be sure, someone on the list was probably better at this aspect of sex or another, but he married you. I wouldn’t over think it.
And tell hm to ditch the list. I think it is disrespectful to everyone on it.
My fiance and I have a similar dynamic. He has only been with 4 women, including me. I however lost track somewhere along the way. I know my number is probably around 40ish, give or take. He has no issue with this and actually finds it hot that I’m experienced and have gone after what I want in that aspect of life.
I can tell you, I have never once wished that he was someone else that I had previously been with. I don’t think he’s any less, or that our sex life is worse than my previous encounters with other men. Yes I’ve had mind blowing experiences before him that I’ll remember and think fondly of, but I never wish that I was still seeing or sleeping with the person(s) who gave me that experience. I love him completely, and if I didn’t I wouldn’t choose to be with him. I am completely satisfied with all aspects of our relationship and sex life.
With that being said I would suggest you look at this differently if you can. He has a lengthy sexual history. He’s obviously no stranger to refusing to settle. If he wasn’t happy with you, if he didn’t love you, if he didn’t think you were sexually fulfilling him, why would he stay? He obviously knows he can find other women, that hasn’t been an issue for him before.
I know it can be difficult to not be insecure in this situation, but I truly believe that you have no reason to be. He chose you and he sees a future with you, I’m sure he doesn’t feel like he’s settling for less than by being with you, nor is he lusting after his previous experiences.
Individual Therapy is great for helping with coping with insecurities.