How do you deal with being too insecure to have sex? I (18F) have been with my boyfriend for about 4 months and we almost had sex once— except I proceeded to break down as soon as my clothes started coming off. I felt vulnerable, panicked, and ended up embarrassed beyond relief.
I’m scared he’ll be disappointed when he sees me fully nude. My body is repulsive, despite what he says, and I don’t want to see the look on his face when he realizes he isn’t attracted to me.
But I also want to be intimate with him. I feel guilty about not having sex with him for some silly body image issues. How do i enjoy sex when my insecurities are this bad? Even the thought of him feeling, let alone seeing, my body makes me want to hurl. Any tips or personal experience on this matter is much appreciated.
4 comments
This level of self-hatred for yourself is worth addressing in a few different ways. Therapy is definitely an option. Personally I found it helpful to get into strength training – NOT to “lose weight” but to feel the strength and endurance of my body, and growing to love what it was capable of. Masturbation and enjoying my body by myself also made a huge difference.
But the biggest difference was just getting older, and growing out of this sort of thing. Life perspective helps you see you’re actually fine and not in fact repulsive.
What about asking him if you can blindfold him during sex and have your way with him? Then you don’t stress about your appearance and focus more of all the sensuality and heightened sexual feelings. He will probably think he died and went to heaven.
Two things:
1. Ease into it. Don’t jump straight to sex. Take off small amounts of clothes at a time. Take your shirt off and let him see you in a bra. Take your pants off, let him see you in your underwear. It doesn’t have to be all in one time you see each other. Eventually take off all of your clothes but lay there together and touch each other. This really should be done anyway before you contemplate having sex. Foreplay and arousal are important to learn!
2. Realize that he has chosen to be with you despite your body. He knows your body type, that is evident even fully clothed. He has a mental idea of what you’re going to look like without clothes on. I’m a man, let me assure you that we think of this. He really is okay with it. He would not be with you if he felt he would probably not be attracted.
This is the advantage of having built a relationship and having a boyfriend. You’re supposed to be able to grow comfortable with each other’s vulnerabilities and insecurities. If you were hooking up with someone, you’d be justified in being a nervous wreck! The other thing I’ll say is that 4 months may be too soon for sex. Not everyone has to have sex early in a relationship. Try doing the other physical acts I mentioned, and you may not feel so insecure about sex once you’ve mastered them.
I honestly think you just end up growing out of it. I (21F) have never been a small girl by any stretch of the imagination. I used to be super insecure in high school and earlier in college at your age. I probably would’ve reacted the same way you did. Freaking out about the way I look and being too vulnerable and insecure to let anyone see all of me. But over the last few years, I’ve grown to really appreciate myself and my body for what it is. And I’m about 45lbs heavier than I was at 18 too. While I haven’t had the chance to have sex yet, I know that with the right person I would be more than happy to let them see all of me. I think I literally just grew out of my insecurities. Unfortunately I don’t know of an instant fix for you, but I promise it will get better. I used to never even be able to picture what it’d be like to be comfortable in my body, but now I can say with 100% confidence that I am! Some level of insecurity will always be there, but it gets so much better with time. Practice positive internal self talk whenever possible too!