I 25f have been with my husband 33male for about 5 years, married for 2. We have 2 kids together both under 3. Well in the bedroom i like to do rough stuff sometimes like choking spanking etc, well lately in our everyday time he will grab my throat or smack my cheek, mind you its never like super hard or anything and i think he is trying to be sexy? But its makes me nervous when he does it since im worried his parents or brother or god forbid our kids see it and it start a whole thing. We have talked about it but it doesnt help much. Ill say i dont want him to do it outside bedroom activities and he will say “oh dont act like you dont get worked up when i do it” and i dont really know what to do at this point.
45 comments
Make it very clear that if he tries to do that outside of the bedroom, he can sleep somewhere else. Put your foot down and let him know it’s a deal breaker.
If that doesn’t get through to him. Leave.
This is your husband so why are posting this instead of just telling him exactly what you wrote. Seems like you should feel comfortable enough saying this to him
Ultimatum time. Tell him to cut that shit out, or you will tell people/leave. Abusers HATE being exposed.
So now you take it up a notch. Next time he does it, you need ti assert yourself and tell him you asked that he not do it outside the bedroom. You are not kidding, no you don’t get turned on by it outside the bedroom so he either respect your wishes or he can forget about doing it all together. Yes, you need to set that tone. Doesn’t matter if you think he will get mad, or whine, etc. If you want to get a point across, have to get stern. If he still doesn’t listen, then say next time he touches you like that, he will find an officer at the front door wanting to talk to him.
Express your concerns. Children are impressionable and this is probably beyond their understanding. I agree with your concerns and I suspect he would as well, and refrain from doing this outside the bedroom setting
A man who puts his hands around a woman’s neck is 8 times more likely to kill her. This behavior is the number one indicator of lethality in intimate relationships.
And when he does kill you he’ll be on the news all “well she liked it rough”.
Tell him he either keeps his hands to himself out of the bedroom or you will file for divorce. He needs to know this is not a joking matter and it is unacceptable to do in every day living.
>”oh dont act like you dont get worked up when i do it”
Me response would be “and now I’m turned off completely, because you’ve revoked my consent. I’ve asked you not to do this outside the bedroom, and I mean it.”
Next time he does it, snap at him. “I told you to stop!”
Tell him, “yeah, I get worked up because you’re making me upset and nervous, not turning me on. Listen to what I’m saying. I do not consent to violence outside of the bedroom.”
One simple sentence “I changed my mind, and I don’t feel comfortable with that type of aggression anymore”.
I would respond “No, in fact I do not get worked up when you do that. Hear my words and respect me. Don’t do it outside of the bedroom.” Be blunt. Make him understand that you are serious.
“Hear my words” might sound like a dumb thing to say, but it’s a phrase I use to let people know I mean it and I’m not kidding.
Grab his nuts & twist a bit while he’s got his hands full with something.
When he whines, tell him “don’t act like you don’t like it”.
He should respect your consent. It’s seems he has become addicted to it if he can’t separate his normal life from his sex life. You two need marriage counselling immediately.
And maybe you may even need to take the kids and stay with your parents for a while to show you are serious and not as submissive as he thinks you are or wants you to be. That you are being serious about him needing your consent to do any of this kinky stuff.
“My husband hits me in the face and chokes me outside of the bedroom for sexual gratification, I told him I didn’t like it and he dismissed my concerns and tried to tell me I actually liked it, what should I do?”
There I shortened that for you. Your husband is an abusive piece of shit. Anyone who actually follows bdsm culture knows that consent is the #1 rule before absolutely anything else. He is knowingly doing this without your express consent *AND* it’s outside of the bedroom. Two massive no nos. What’s non-consensual slapping and choking outside of the bedroom? That’s called physical abuse. You need to take a step back and realize the severity of what’s happening here. This isn’t just boundaries.
You need to have a SERIOUS conversation with him on how his behavior makes you feel. In the context of the bedroom with your consent, his “aggression” is fine. But outside of those boundaries, it is abusive.
Stop doing it completely. Then he’ll listen.
Considering that’s what y’all are into, just make it clear that he needs to keep it a strictly to the bedroom thing, and that if he’s trying to do it outside of the bedroom to ‘get you going’ then it’s gotta be when there’s not anybody else in the house. My interests are about the same, and I’m imagining if my daughter were to see something like that and actually clenching my asscheeks. Idk how he’s not. Def something to have a sit-down about
You have talked about it, but as you note in the comments, you feel you aren’t always great about setting a hard boundary. That’s understandable, as setting them can be a skill one has to learn through practice sometimes.
I’m going to guess that most of these conversations have happened in the moment he’s done something or right on the heels of it. Part of setting the boundary is to do so outside of those moments. When it’s on the heels of the action, sometimes the boundary doesn’t come off as clear.
You two need to find a time to go out to coffee or a bite to eat together, and you need to have a direct conversation. “Husband, I love you. I love that you want to be affectionate, and yes, I do like some of the dirty stuff we do in the bedroom. That said, there is some expressions of PDA that I am NOT comfortable with. We’ve talked about them in the past, but it hasn’t been clear. I want to make those things clear right now. Do not slap me or grab my throat in public. And by public, I mean anywhere but when we are alone in the bedroom. I know you are trying to flirt, and I love that you want to flirt with me and turn me on, but the publicness of that, especially where we are living with family, does the exact opposite. IT TURNS ME OFF. It makes me NOT want to do those things in the bedroom. Can we talk about ways we can flirt that I’d be comfortable with? Can we agree to stop that kind of behavior?”
Following that, if he does it again, stop the behavior and call him out immediately on it. “NO. Do NOT do that. We have discussed this, and it is unacceptable.” And if he questions “oh don’t you get worked up?” bullspit, answer “No. It does not get me worked up. It turns me off that you can’t respect my boundaries and cannot hold yourself accountable to the agreement we made.”
Just because you like [tea](https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8) sometimes, doesn’t mean you want tea all the time. Watch the video I linked and show it to your husband. It doesn’t matter if you get turned on by something sometimes. It doesn’t give your partner the right or entitlement to do it all the time.
I had a boyfriend before and he and I liked some rough stuff in the bedroom too. Similar to what you have described above. It was always contained there, until it wasn’t. One argument about a freezer door not being fixed and the next thing I knew I was being picked up by my neck and slammed into the ground. I was young, it was my first relationship and I believed him when he said “I was just trying to do what you like in the bedroom”
Do not let him continue on in this manner. It’s only consensual rough play when it’s CONSENSUAL! If you said “not outside the bedroom” or “not when we aren’t having sexy time” it means it’s abuse. Look into what other couples do for their bedroom play and how they delineate from their real world couple times. Look into using safe words or establishing a specific time you and your partner can express yourselves. You and your partner need to understand that communication and respecting someone’s limits are pillars of the kink community. Him downplaying your concerns and feelings are yucky and very alarming.
It’s not sexy or fun if it’s abuse. And this is very very very (probably already is) close to abusive behavior. Maybe telling him plainly that it’s a turn off if he does it outside the bedroom. Let him know that it’s painting him in a different light.
“You know you like it” just say “No, actually I really don’t. I only like it when we are having sex. And if its not during sex, it’s a major turn off and makes me feel uncomfortable. It is getting harder and harder for me to want to sleep with you because I don’t feel that I can be open and vulnerable with you and trust you to stop when I ask you to. Like right now. Stop. And don’t do it again”
Best of luck OP.
I think something sparked in him that maybe both of you didn’t know was there. But this is a red flag for me, as someone who’s left an abusive relationship it starts with little things but disregarding your boundary is a major thing.
Is his name Sc**t?? Wait there is more Damn.
He dismisses your boundaries => he doesn’t want to change.
You were 20 and 28 when you guys got together.
Now you’re 25: you grew up but he didn’t.
Soon you’ll reach the point where you’ll find out why five years ago women his age didn’t want him.
P.S. Read about sunk-cost fallacy.
P.S2. Parents don’t have to live together to be good parents and give example of consent and healthy boundaries.
Ok so clearly he’s abusive. You said stop and didn’t consent to it outside of the bedroom and he’s *hitting* you. That’s abuse.
There is a time and a place for kink and a world beyond it. If he is not listening to you outside of the bedroom, what confidence do you have that if you safe word on him in the bedroom because he’s taking it too far that he will stop what he is doing? This needs to be addressed because this type of king needs for consent, trust and communication. You have literally told him that you’re not comfortable and he has dismissed you and said oh, you know that you like it really! What the fuck is that?? You are literally withdrawing your consent in these situations you describe and he is constantly disregarding it.
It’s simple: when he says “don’t act as if you don’t like it” you then say firmly: “No, actually I DO NOT LIKE IT”. And then you have a very serious, firm conversation about how this is an absolute No-No outside of the bedroom. Because right now it sounds like he says this gross thing, and… what then? Does the conversation just fizzle out? Is there an edit and the next scene begins, like in a movie?
Well, nope. This is not a movie. When he says that, *something happens,* and whatever it is, it’s not what needs to happen. What needs to happen is you do not let the conversation go, do not let him talk over you, you are serious and firm and tell him “No, it actually is a huge turned off for me and it HAS TO STOP”. End of story.
If he keeps doing it, that’s just assault. Since there’s no plausible deniability anymore: he knows you don’t want it. He knows it’s not playful or hot. Then you need to say “I don’t agree to this” or “I told you to never do this again” and *leave* the room or the space.
Stop having rough play in the bedroom. Have vanilla sex that way noone gets confused about where the boundaries are.
If you haven’t concented to the dynamic outside the bedroom it’s abuse, stop justifying his actions and stand up for yourself before he really hurts you.
I mean, I like it rough too but I also like it when someone is respecting my boundaries. You need to be more clear about what do you want.
“Don’t act like you don’t get worked up when I do it.”
“Don’t act like I’ve given you consent to hit me any time you like. Do. Not. Smack or choke me when I don’t want it. And I DO NOT want that any time except sex.”
Do not back down. What he is doing is not consensual and he is dismissing your boundary. Be firmer and clearer with this boundary and give him examples of a consequence if he does continue to try to roughly dominate you without your consent. This isn’t pda. This is him asserting his dominance over you and it is abusive as he is dismissing your boundaries and lack of consent.
Honestly your best bet is to leave. He’s already showing he doesn’t respect your boundaries.
i had the issue one time. My therapist told me that when something meant for IN the bedroom, happens OUTSIDE the bedroom. That’s abuse. Stand firm in your boundaries. It’s not sexy
Ah yes. 8 year age gap. We meet again.
Hold firm on your boundaries! You told him you do not consent to be touched aggressively outside of the bedroom, he is making the conscious, deliberate decision to ignore that and continue. It’s not just annoying, it’s disgusting.
You are trying to communicate your boundaries and he’s ignoring them. At that point it becomes legitimate assault and abuse. You can tell him as much and you can tell him if he doesn’t stop doing it outside of sexy time then you will leave.
Reassert your concern, say : no,“name” I’m serious. Please respect my wishes and stop doing those things outside of the bedroom
Get out run don’t walk to an superlative lawyer
Protect your children
Nope. Full stop, this is a giant red flag. Even in full-on BDSM, consent is hugely important. You’ve told him you don’t like him doing it publicly and want him to stop, and he says “You know you like it”? Not trying to scare you, but this could escalate into something you don’t want.
Do you have a safe word? If so, use it. If not, simply tell him the next time he does it, “You don’t have my consent.” If he STILL does it, separate.
If you talked about it and he keeps doing it, it’s abuse. Hard to recognize, I know. He probably doesn’t see it that way either. But you need a safe word you can use anywhere. If he ignores it… Hunny, you’re not safe.
Time for a full on b*tch fit. Seriously. Sometimes you just need to be a boundary bi-atch.
The next time he does it, throw his hand off you and forcefully tell him “do not lay hands on me like that outside the bedroom! I’ve already told you this makes me uncomfortable and you’re crossing the line into abuse by ignoring that.”
Because kink is in the bedroom. It’s consensual. This is not consensual. This may be *his* kink, but he can fantasize about it- it doesn’t give him a right to lay hands on you just so he can feel turned on.
This *is* abusive behavior and it needs to be put a stop to before he keeps getting more comfortable with ignoring your boundaries.
Edit-typo
Absofuckinglutely not. Your consent is the only condition needed for him to do this. You tell him point blank period he is not to do these things outside the bedroom. You’ve withdrawn your consent for that atmosphere, and if he can’t respect that outside the bedroom then there will be no bedroom fun because it means he does not respect you nor can you trust him to keep things at an acceptable level even in the bedroom because he’s already proven he will disregard whether or not you consent elsewhere.
IF you’re safe to say these things then do so. If you don’t feel safe to lay down this boundary in no uncertain terms, that speaks volumes and you need to consider whether you want to stay with someone who makes you feel unsafe.
>have talked about it but it doesnt help
Full stop. He needs to listen and respect what you say. Overstepping that isn’t okay – that’s non-consensual – that’s a no go. Non-consensual contact is never oaky. You need be clear on that, and he need stop. If he’s overstepping or continues overstepping that’s abuse – plain and simple, and that’s never okay.
28 year old got with a 20 year old and now is moving sexually aggressive, non-consensual behaviour outside of the bedroom and is ignoring your boundaries.
You need to cut off the rough stuff completely, even with sex, until you are sure this man actually respects you.
Throat-punch him unexpectedly. Establish dominance.