Fresh out of a relationship here with my ex who did everything for me. He is 22 years young.
He has always been there for me and always made sure i was safe. He always took notice of small details and bought me gifts, loved me, made sure i was happy.
He had some insecurities and problems, and for those reasons I ended the relationship. He showed up on my birthday a few weeks later with gifts and a letter.. making me feel guilty after..
One of the problems I had with him was the fact that he refused to maintain a real job or study. He was in college but had failed, throwing him into a spiral of depression, insecurities, and not knowing what to do with his life.
In all honesty I did try to give him advice, I tried to lend an ear, and i tried to sit and be patient and hoped he would get his life together. It became hard because we started to argue and he started to be insecure about himself.
He didn’t think he was good enough for me.
As sweet and caring as he was, I didn’t like his lack of motivation. We are different people. I work full time and I have goals. I finished college. I certainly don’t have my life SET bc i am young, but i thought that I deserved someone with similar values/goals as me.
His depression got worse with time and I felt like his emotions were affecting my own emotions too. He didn’t want help.
To describe an example, he would be in a bad mood bc i did not “reassure” him enough. He would get moody, which would affect ME. Then when i tried to reassure him, it wasn’t ever good “enough”.
It was a constant pattern of us fighting and me feeling GAS LIT, guilty, and sad. I even began to tell people my relationship was toxic.
He was constantly in a bad mood, always rude, made mean comments, sarcastic, angry, depressed.. he changed so much once he failed college.
.. I stayed around for a whole year. The relationship became familiar and my family liked him. He did everything for me as well. He cared for me when i was drunk, took me on a trip, bought me nice things, and went BROKE just to buy me things i didn’t ask for.
He was my person for an entire year and we had many beautiful moments together.
He took to me to so many places, bought me thoughtful gifts, made sure i was safe, including me in everything. He was like my best friend and everything all in one..
But i feel that we became toxic.
I began to feel unhappy and i sensed it from him too. He thought i deserved someone who had their shit together more than him. I planned out how I was going to break up with him 4 months in advance, that’s how long it took me to have the balls to end the relationship with him.
I just want to know if i did the right thing and what would others have done?
I miss him and I sit around sad thinking of our memories. I still maintain some contact with him because he did make the effort to bring me birthday gifts even though we were broken up.
As shitty as this sounds, I have recently been talking to a co worker just to help me forget about my ex… but all it causes is guilt.
TLDR; left my toxic ish relationship and now i don’t know if it was a good idea
2 comments
Meh. You did what you had to do, for you. Don’t let him guilt you for deciding you needed to take care of yourself. You stayed 4 months too long and that’s punishment enough. Yeah so he failed college, but he could have tried other avenues after that. instead of taking his emotions out on you or expecting you to take care of him. Shit happens. There was no way you could have helped someone who didn’t want to help himself. So don’t feel guilty about his birthday card, or feeling flirty with someone else even if it’s just a rebound. Just be sure to let the co-worker know that he is maybe… Also, college isn’t everything. There’s always the Trades he could have gone into, if he got into college he could get into the trades probably. I would honestly just go NC for a year, then see how he’s doing.
You absolutely did the right thing. Our own minds can be our worst enemy in breakups; they romanticize the relationship more than what it was worth, and make us miss that person so much even if you know it was the right decision to end things. Of course you loved him, and he loved you and was your best friend.. However, if he felt he wasn’t good enough for you, he was probably right. He needs to grow, and if you had stayed together, it’s very likely he would have held you back from your ambitions since you have outgrown him. You need to consider both the person you want and the type of relationship you want. I doubt you want a relationship that is unhappy and toxic. As for maintaining contact, it’s best to cut contact after a breakup. It’s the kindest thing for both parties, so you can both move on. Give yourself time to grieve the loss, because it will hurt and it will be hard, but remind yourself why it ended. Lean on friends and family for support. Sending hugs, you got this!