I (30s f) recently got together as fwb with J (30s m).
My only sexual experience before this relationship is I was raped several times in my late teen years and then avoided sex for years. I spent years masturbating and learning how to make my body feel good on my own but never was with anyone else before or after being raped. J’s experience is he’s had several girlfriends and a few other FWB in his life and so he has a lot more sexual experience than me.
Anyway we were in bed the second time with each other and I asked him to move his finger lower. He was like, slightly above my clitoris and not quite in the right spot. He moved his finger to the right spot and I eventually had an orgasm. After sex he told me that no other woman he’d been with had ever given him direction like that on where to touch. This surprised me to be honest and then he said something about my body being different? I don’t remember exactly what he said but it was an implication that my clitoris is different somehow from other women he was with. It didn’t feel good that he said that tbh. The same issue came up afterward as well with me having to tell him he wasn’t quite touching the right place on a few other occasions.
I’ve also given other guidance, like that when I’m almost about to orgasm he seems to change what he’s doing and then like, I’m not almost there anymore and it feels like starting over to build up to it again. A few times I’ve just given up on trying to orgasm because I’ll get so close and then he changes what he’s doing and I’m not close anymore, and after a few times of that I just don’t feel like trying anymore so I just help him cum and then it’s over.
And I’ve had to tell him that when I start to orgasm is not the time for him to speed up or do something else or whatever, like I just want everything to pause while I orgasm. All of this seems to be new/weird to him and it’s making me kind of self conscious because he acts like my body is just really different from other women. But he also says in general he hasn’t gotten verbal guidance in the past.
He was also surprised when I said I like slow sex more than being pounded and he said other women he was with all preferred he go faster than how I prefer. This one I feel like might be because of my history of being raped?
And he seemed surprised that I said there’s no way I orgasm from penetration without also having clitoral stimulation. I know some women can orgasm with just penetration, but not me, but he seemed to think it’s not normal compared to his experience with other women.
He says he’s been with about 12 women prior to me and so being “the only one” out of 13 to be making these requests just has me feeling odd and self conscious about my body :/
I don’t have a lot of experience like I said outside of touching myself and having been raped so I’m just curious like if there’s actually something weird with my body, or is he maybe not as experienced at getting women to orgasm as he thinks he is? He insists they all did orgasm and he insists he’d know the difference if they didn’t.
So anyway, I’d like to hear from other women I guess about if what I’ve communicated to him about sex is normal for you too? Given my past I do doubt myself and wonder if my body works different because of being raped. Or maybe years of only masturbating and not having sex has made my body respond different?
If it makes any difference, I’m American, spent my whole life in America, this fwb relationship is taking place in a European country where there’s a stereotype (to Americans) that everyone here is better at sex…so some of my self consciousness and thinking the “problem” is me also comes from that. I also know he tends to date younger. I believe I’m the only woman he’s been with who’s over age 30, so maybe that plays into the difference in communication, but I do believe that if I’d had sex in my 20s I would have communicated openly then too just because that’s my personality is to be open and honest about these things.
30 comments
What you communicated is completely normal. There is nothing wrong with you. It is good that you communicate openly.
Not a woman but as one who is saddened by this man’s behavior, please allow me to respond. Saying you’re “different” wasn’t a great move but may not have been intentionally malicious. You can’t know about his exes. You can only communicate and you’re doing the right thing. He’s making two big mistakes. 1) assuming a solitary approach to all women is a successful plan and 2) changing things up at the wrong time. You should keep communicating and telling him that you are not being critical but, rather, you’re sharing what works for you because, and definitely say this, “all women are not the same.” When you’re close to orgasm, keep telling him to change nothing. Women in this and other subs have been saying this for years so it is clear that a lot of men make this mistake. His ridiculous masculine ego and confidence is getting in the way. Directly tell him to STOP referencing his previous experiences and to open his ears to what you are telling him. You’ve been patient so I think it’s ok to get a little pissed and a little more assertive to make your point and make him see the light. If he refuses to change, walk away. There are a ton of guys out there who will listen and be respectful/responsive to what you share. Don’t settle for this if it doesn’t change.
Considering you learned how to orgasm through years of masturbation, it’s not all that surprising. If you never masturbated and only had PIV sex, you would likely only know how to orgasm through penetration (if at all).
Everyone is different, everyone’s experiences and journey to sex and discovering what they enjoy sexually is different. In the US we are raised to be prude. In European countries sex its more experimental at younger ages. So we’re likely to have different needs for orgasm.
Giving direction is a good thing, especially early in a FWB situation. Don’t let it get in your head because he’s never been given direction. It doesn’t mean other women were faking it, it probably just means you’re more having better sex with him than they ever thought they could.
A man who tells you women prefer to be Jack-Hammered is either; inexperienced and lying, not listening to women or the collector of unsatisfied one night stands. He sounds like a poser, to me!
More than 75% of women can’t orgasm through PIV alone. Most need clitoral stimulation.
Some of his behavior in bed are signs of someone that is inexperienced and never had open communication in bed with a partner.
Two things pop out in this for me as inexperienced, never having received direction and acting offended by it, Changing speed when the parter is getting close to orgasm is really a big mistake or most ladies. It’s something inexperienced guys do because they get too excited. Then the porn like pounding really sounds like he’s got more experience watching porn that talking about the needs of his partners.
He honestly sounds like he’d have a better time alone in bed then with another human that might have needs that requires attention.
You are so nornal in your needs. If he doesn’t snap out if it and start to follow directions please find someone that can follow directions. There’s a man out there wishing his GF would give better directions.
I promise it’s not you. I recently broke up with my ex of 9 years. He was a 3 minute pounder and life at that point was great. He was happy and it made me happy. Post break up, I bought a rose vibrator. I can confidently say I’ve never orgasmed until this. We got back together on and off over a year and I tried to explain to him what actually felt good for me. He was taken aback, but I don’t f’n care. He was doing it wrong for me. I wanted to feel good. What feels good isn’t universal. He said it was weird I wanted stimulation above my clit. It ultimately doesn’t matter if it doesn’t fit his definition of “normal” sex. It’s what feels good for me so do it. Or not and go away.
Please don’t let one guy make you feel abnormal. His previous partners may be just as inexperienced as he is. I promise, what one guy won’t do, a million others will. Best wishes!
There’s nothing weird about your body or your requests. Sounds to me like you’re good at giving directions. All of this is a positive.
If 12/13 women haven’t given directions or have cum from penetration, that’s either a statistical anomaly or some of them were faking it. Studies tell us that around 75% of women can’t cum from penetration alone.
I also had s guy once who had always made all his partners cum before me. He was so sure of himself and so sure he knew exactly what I needed that he didn’t listen to directions and I never came. Never been so tempted in my life to fake it as when he was going to town on my clit way too roughly. I think at least some of his previous partners had faked it.
It’s worth remembering that he may be feeling insecure too. He’s been used to knowing exactly what to do, either because it worked for other women or because they faked it. Make sure you’re also telling him how good it feels when he gets it right.
I’d honestly also suggest you two discuss the situation and talk about that him saying you’re so different to previous partners doesn’t feel good and check if you giving directions is making him feel like he doesn’t know what he should be doing. Clear the air so you can both enjoy it and help each other feel good
I’m sorry about your past. No, there’s nothing wrong with your body or what you’re requesting.
Some most likely faked, but I’ve noticed a lot of guys just assume, and never even ask if a woman came or realize that she didn’t and a lot of women also never say anything if it’s not right.
It’s possible he never cared enough to make sure and was content to assume, or he may just genuinely think he’s always done things right if he’s never been told otherwise.
You are doing so well communicating – don’t let this experience stifle that. The right partner will be a receptive listener.
You did fine. He can’t handle constructive criticism and blamed some ridiculous stuff on you (built differently, really? Lol).
Chances are they didn’t necessarily lie, they just didn’t speak up and he assumed he was doing a good job. My ex was like that too. I had only slept with him so I didn’t know good sex. He bragged about how great he was so I thought something was wrong with me. After having actual good sex, turns out he sucks at it.
The most concerning thing is him acting like your body was unusual because your clit was every so slightly lower than where he was touching. Women aren’t made from a mold where every one of our body parts are in exactly the same location. Imagine if you said to him “everyone I’ve ever dated has nipples exactly 12 inches apart, but your nipples are 13 inches apart. Isn’t that unusual?”
I didn’t notice his age before reading this whole post and assumed he was teens or early 20s from how he is communicating about women’s sexuality and bodies.
He seems quite uneducated about female pleasure. And also kinda crappy relational skills if when you give him direction around what feels good for you he implies you or your body are “different” from everyone else he’s been with. Since his previous partners didn’t give him direction, or tell him what they liked it’s possible they were just enduring not great stimulation, but who knows. And it doesn’t matter, he has no reason to even bring up past people’s bodies or likes/dislikes in comparison to how you want him to interact with you and your body.In my opinion he should educate himself more about female sexuality and pleasure. Everyone has different and very unique anatomy and sexual preferences and responses.
I’d recommend he read a book, like Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, and also there is a fantastic online resource called omgyes . com which actually has many different women talking about and actually demonstrating how they enjoy being touched/touching themselves, AND you can practice their techniques on their vulvas via an interactive feature! And it also has a whole bunch of awesome info on different techniques and the statistics of how many women are into each, etc. It’s not free, but each “season” (I highy recommend starting with the one called The Essentials) will be yours for life after purchasing. I am in no way offiliated with this site, I just think it’s an incredible resource that anyone (interacting sexually with a person) with a vulva can benefit hugely from it. There are so many great sex ed resources available in many formats nowadays – podcasts, video channels by educators, workshops, good articles, books, etc, etc…
Also, it’s *WONDERFUL!!* that you have explored your own body and know what you like, and you’re communicating it to a partner. A good partner will be grateful and enthusiastic about learning what works for your body, and will be present and focused in the moment with your unique connection and experience together. There is nothing wrong with you at all. <3
*edited to break up my wall of text a bit for better readability* let me know if you need more line breaks. 🙂
Don’t doubt yourself. You know what you like and that’s that.
He probably doesn’t know a pimple from a nipple. I’m sorry for what was done to you.
Many men act surprised when you tell them you need clit stim, and many women never instruct their partners, and lots of women fake. So, he may have an unrealistic view of how women come.
You are like most women in the world, and we have been this way for 300,000 years. You’d think they’d have learned by now.
Sounds like male ego more than anything else. You’re telling him what you want and what makes you feel good and he’s making excuses for why he didn’t already know that. Like… just tell him to relax. It’s fine he didn’t know how to please *you* because this is new. Tell him you want the same thing. Sex (good sex) is about communication.
Thanks for all the reassurance everyone. I don’t have time to respond to everyone individually tonight but I appreciate the comments and just in general being reassured that this isn’t entirely a “me” problem and that I am indeed within the realm of normal
Very likely happens to near enough every female now days.
As a male sounds like he just what was best for him so he can orgasm not thinking of how you feel,his probably say he can feel the difference etc cause he feels ashamed on all the people his been with,his not exactly made them orgasm and cause his being guided and doing what feels best for the lady his going on by what he thinks that’s right ,cause he feels like his failed on the previous people more of a male ego thing but probably to embarrassed to say
Carry on doing what feels best for you,also make sure his happy in the best room as well.
But communication is key to happy/safe sex not just condoms/pills.
Im Sorry for what has happened to you and I hope he is helping you through the situation if your still struggling, if you feel uncomfortable with something speak about it to him due to your past.
As a dude, I’ll be blunt about this.
He’s either lying about his body count, inflating the number, and he’s not nearly as experienced as he wants you to believe.
A lot of his previous partners may have faked it to some degree, which ultimately, gives him false impressions about what a woman wants. I haven’t had as many partners as him, but by my third, I already had better manners than your boyfriend. I find it very hard to believe he hasn’t received instructions of any kind before.
A lot of his behavior reminds me of someone that gathers their expectations from watching porn to be honest.
Him saying you are different was a dick move. But, he needs to take a couple steps back and reflect on this statement. There is no way the other twelve were identical either. Every partner I’ve been with up to and including my wife have all had different preferences. They all had different quirks that worked for them. That’s arguably the most exciting part of a partner, is getting to know what makes their engine rev lol
It’s possible that some of his past girlfriends had orgasms, but the chances they were faking are high. You expressed some of the ubiquitous advice people give to almost anyone:
—find the clitoris (it’s the big bump at the top of the vulva; I’m sure yours is also there, and so in the same place as all the other girlfriends)
—as she’s about to come, don’t change what you’re doing (most women have this preference according to OMGYES)
—prefer a slower rhythm
—need clitoral stimulation during penetration to come
There are variations to preferences and arousal patterns in everyone, of course, but I would say that these are extremely common needs women express, and I feel quite certain his young girlfriends were misleading him—at least some of them were.
He sounds like he’s probably not being realistic about how many of his past partners were actually having orgasms or being truly pleased.
Every woman is different. Every vulva, vagina, clitoris is different.
Many men do not like getting directions during sex. But good to excellent lovers will welcome advice given in a positive and not dismissive way.
“And he seemed surprised that I said there’s no way I orgasm from penetration without also having clitoral stimulation.” Sounds like he’s not as experienced as he claims, isn’t being realistic about how well he was actually giving women orgasms, or is being manipulative and gaslighty.
I’m glad you are having orgasms with someone else and this sounds like a positive experience overall, but consider that maybe this is as far as things are going to go with this guy and try to find a more realistic, open minded lover who knows most women do not have orgasms from PIV sex with no extra clitoral stimulation easily if at all. One who relishes the golden advice a woman gives about what pleases her and gives her orgasms.
I had a similar situation recently. I got together with a friend, who swears they are an absolute beast in bed… and maybe he is for other partners but not for me (I’m not tryna shit on them, just saying).
We got talking afterwards and they mentions that they and their partners don’t really communicate much. About anything really, like what they each like. How the sex went and what they could do, or alter next time. They was kinda surprised(I’m not sure that’s the right word) when I brought it up verbally checking in after.
And most women don’t orgasm from penetrative sex only but a long of women pretend they do so it’s definitely not on you. Your body is fine but I think not a lot of people communicate during sex and it may be a new thing for your fwb.
I also tend to just explore with myself too and I’ve only had a few partners. I always assume sex would be open and people would talk more but it seems to be the opposite. The expectation of communication might just be a thing that comes with being comfortable with our bodies and hence we want to talk about what we like but I don’t think it’s as common as we assume.
If you’re on the sex Reddit, I assume you lean more towards the more communicative side so please, fellow commenters, don’t @ me saying that people communicate during sex. They should but it doesn’t seem like they do.
i had a similar experience with an ex, he told me in great unnecessary detail (that lead to us breaking up) of his previous partners and how he loved eating them out, made them orgasm, etc. When it came down to just us two he did not move at all, or when he did move it was like he didn’t know what he was doing. However I didn’t give him guidance cause I’m not the one that opened my mouth claiming to be a sex god like he apparently was. We never ended up having PIV sex cause he never got there with me. It was not a communication issue either since I told him previous about my lack of experience with partnered sex.
I suppose it also depends what he defines as an orgasm. I love hard and fast and I make noises because it genuinely feels good, but it’s not the same as a clitoral orgasm. And honestly? He does sound a but inexperienced despite his claims of how many people he has slept with. To be clear, being inexperienced is fine. Being manipulative is not.
I think there’s a lot of possible scenarios here, but none of them (I think) are because of something wrong with *you*. Perhaps previous partners stopped trying to communicate clearly when they realised how self concious he is. If the number is what he claims.
My fiancé openly admitted to me when we first had sex that he’d never made any of his exes cum, and I’d never had an ex make me cum, so the first time he made me cum it was a celebration on all sides.
He listens and is very attentive, to the point where he knows exactly what works and what doesn’t and if I say “don’t stop” he knows not to change a damn thing.
Everyone deserves someone who is attentive, understanding, and open to constructive criticism.
This made me LOL.
Chances are those women never spoke up or may have faked it. I have only had an orgasm twice with only penetration. Ever. Every single time there was clitoral stimulation. I have had to move my husband’s hand because he was in the wrong spot and he’s had plenty of partners before me. You are not physically different than the rest of us, he may just be embarrassed. And coming from someone who has also been raped, please take care of yourself sexually and mentally. If you feel in any way that he is making you feel bad because of your past experiences, you need to put your foot down and set some boundaries. My husband takes it personally that I do not orgasm unless stimulated outside because he said he’s never had that problem before. I thought it was quite common to not orgasm during penetration and it’s not the fault of the man or woman.
You should not feel self-conscious about your body or your preferences, as they are completely normal.
You should also remember that J is with you now, and he seems to be open and willing to communicate with you about your sexual needs and preferences, which is a good sign.
You should continue to communicate openly and honestly with him, and if you are not satisfied with the way things are going, you should talk to him about it and try to find a way to improve your sexual experience together.
The dude sounds like an immature, inexperienced moron… Every person is different, my first gf that took my virginity had her way of guiding me and getting me to to what she needed to get off… She was slightly older and more experienced. Every guy that has an issue with a woman that tells him what she needs is probably insecure about himself. Find yourself a real man…
Everything you communicated is 100% normal (and I’ve had to communicate the same things to my partner when we first started having sex. Changing the rhythm, where to touch heck we’ve been together ten years and sometimes he’s not in the exact spot I want him to be…he doesn’t care if I say move lower or up etc. he just does what I ask. And it doesn’t even sound like you’re criticizing him so I don’t know why he’s taking this as anything unusual.
Personally, I wouldn’t like having sex with someone who made comments like that. Comparing to past encounters is such a turn off.
And I am completely convinced his prior encounters faked it, or maybe they were young and didn’t know what they needed or truly wanted. I know it took me years to truly figure out what I wanted sexually.
I under this feeling completely. My ex used to get really annoyed when I would give him direction and communicate with him. He used to be quite rough and I’m quite sensitive so it was painful. When I told him this. He was like well I’ve never had any complaints before. It took me ages to say to him not everything is the same to every women. He actually used the term “well you must be broken then” then wondered why I didn’t want to have sec with him…. Know your worth. Personally I’d tell him to do one!
How would he know your body is different if no one else ever told him the best spot to hit?
Everyone likes something slightly different.