It’s a conversation I’ve been having with my boyfriend and he doesn’t really seem to understand, and it’s making me wonder if I’m just fucked up.
I’ve got a lot of kinks and fantasises, a few of which include like voyeurism, exhibitionism, I’m not sure what it’s called but like being used by a lot of people etc, that realm of things.
But I love my boyfriend and he isn’t into these things; it doesn’t bother me one bit and I have no interest in actually participating in these kinks.
He’s finding it hard to believe that I can have these kinks and still be happy with him and our relationship, almost like he isn’t enough. Which just isn’t the case whatsoever.
I’m curious to know other people’s opinions on this.
29 comments
It’s completely normal to have fantasies and kinks without expecting your partner to take part in them, or wishing to make them come true. Some things are appealing as fantasies because in our minds we have all the control over what’s happening, there are no real consequences, nothing can go wrong. But actually doing those things usually is very different.
I don’t think you can have a kink and not have an interest in it, that to me is denial.
I don’t think being interested in a kink means its required for your happiness, though. Like, if you ever did a gangbang and it was a good group, you’d probably like it, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be unhappy if you don’t experience that sometime.
The root issue for him is that yall found an incompatibility. If it matters to your relationship is between yall, but his native discomfort comes from the realization you’d like to do things he isnt into and doesn’t want to do with you or anyone else, or that you’re into things that involve potentially more than him and he just doesn’t like it. Itll take time for him to chill out.
Well he’s absolutely deranged then. I have a breeding kink and my tokophobia is completely unchanged. Don’t even get me started on CNC
Fantasy =/= Reality
It’s as simple as that.
Does he play video games?
Does he act them out in real life?
Tell him he’s an idiot, from us
You are not messed up.
Enjoying mental fantasies that one would run from in real life is very normal.
Have him read My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday.
I think you 100% can. Especailly for women since sexuality is largly mental stimulation for us. I have plenty of kinks i think are hot but wouldnt actually wanna act out on in real life (especially after post nut clarity hits lol). But i also have other kinks i do want to try and indulge in.
Have you tried other kinks you have with your bf that he may be comfortable trying with you? Or explored his kinks? That might help him not feel that way.
Just know you aint alone and aren’t messed up. Humans in general have all kinds of thoughts we wouldnt act out on.
Ask him if he’s ever heard of furries
Kinks and fantasies are normal.. as long as it doesn’t bother you it’s good,BUT communication solves it all. If it ain’t deal breaker for you then there’s no need for this post 🙂
Mine is trying to convince me that most men don’t have elaborate kinks, fantasies and are not interested in “scenarios” or role play. Saying that it’s only women that are intrigued by the “story” and the “narrative” whereas it’s much simpler for men..hmm
I’m not gonna give you advice cause taking advice from strangers on the internet is…not wise, but I’ll tell you my experience :
I’m a 34 years old male, and I haven’t had too much luck with girls growing up. So naturally, i looked at porn on the internet for sexual release. Like everyone, I’ve started with basic vanilla stuff, and as time went by I found kinkier and weirder stuff. Some, was intriguing, other stuff was like waking some stuff in me I didn’t knew existed. After a long period, I’ve gotten into a relationship, and the girl I got with, was also interested in kinky stuff. Much of the stuff she was interested in i was already familiar with, I’ve even introduced her to some new stuff. But as we started to try them, I’ve come to understand that enjoying it on screen and actually living it are two completely different things. I had to actually learn how to enjoy them, and some of them weren’t even as satisfying as watching them on screen. The point that I’m trying to make is…the desire of a fantasy and doing the actual act can differ greatly, and one can enjoy one without the other completely!
I think you could probably explain it to him in the context of pornography.
Surely he has looked at pornography, and masturbated to it. Surely he understands that his willingness to look at, and masturbate to, this pornography is not at all the same as “wanting to have sex with exactly that woman, and he therefore cannot be happy in your relationship, because it is with a different woman”.
It is totally reasonable to realize you find something arousing in the context of a fantasy, and also understand that the fantasy is completely irreconcilable with your real life. Lots of people “like voyeurism”, but they realize they don’t want to be on the sex offender registry, and just take pictures of themselves for their SOs instead, and this lets them live out the voyeurism kink safely in their normal lives. Lots of people like CNC, and just set up fully consensual scenes with their regular partners, and don’t “seek out rape” from strangers.
Understanding your kinks is literally just a cheat code to arousing you more, and getting more sex. If you’re happy in the relationship, he has nothing to worry about, except finding ways to exploit these kinks for your mutual benefit. Since you’re into voyeurism/exhibitionism, it sounds like he should be asking for all kinds of photos and videos from you.
Tell him you have a kink about fucking goku from dragon ball z. You want to have sex that breaks the fucking bedframe.
Oh, I totally agree with you. Fantasies are great because there are ZERO consequences. Everything goes smooth and wonderful in your head.
The real world comes with real fallout and emotions and insecurities and shame and guilt and regret and all that potential baggage.
So something could be fun in your mind that you don’t want to bring into the real world.
I have a breeding kink. Three days ago I was sterilized, I obviously don’t want it to happen irl 🤣
i no don’t think so many people are banging their step sisters, yet it’s always at the top of the hot in usa list on pornhub
I fantasize about running over one of my co-workers but I’ll probably never do it.
/😀
Kinks don’t exist in a vacuum no matter what anyone has to say about it.
Lol, I have many many kinks. I tried a few in relationships and it was terrible. I like bdsm and power play and total power exchange….
In reality I like to pretend and play. But at the same time I want an equal partner.
The fantasy is great. But does not equal reality. In honesty, reality is better. Safer, more loving, more real.
I have kinks that I like to read in smut romance and fantasize about while masturbating that I have zero desire to act out in real life even if I were single.
You can entertain thoughts without wanting to make them reality.
I think most of us have fantasies that we would never want to experience in real life. For instance, many women have rape fantasies but I doubt ANY of them want to do that in real life!
I’ve read on here quite a few times where sex workers talk about being paid abhorrent amounts of money to have a man live out a piss/shit fantasy *for the first time* and how they end so very very badly. Fetishes / Kinks often die the moment they enter the real world. Even simple ones like 3-somes. The horror stories of threesomes are nonstop on here.
I would imagine most people have a rich fantasy life. For women especially what we are thinking about has a huge impact on our enjoyment of sex, that’s why women’s romance novels are the best selling books in the world! And these days “romance” means plenty of detailed sex scenes. I have never needed outside stimuli, I have frequent fantasies, none of which I would want to happen or do in real life. I also don’t tell my husband about my fantasy life because it’s more sexy to me that he has no idea what I am really thinking during sex. For a man to be insecure about your fantasy life just seems ridiculous to me!
I kinda understand him.
I will disclose, I’m insecure. My partner is very experienced and it makes me insecure because I am not. He’s disclosed fantasies he’s had and none are bad Im just so vanilla I don’t think I could mentally handle them, and that makes me have doubts. When you love someone all you want to do is satisfy them, so maybe this where he’s coming from too.
For me, the root of a fantasy is the emotion it sparks. Group sex? An exaggeration of being desired. Maybe try explaining to him that you wouldn’t do these things in real life, its an exaggeration. Then maybe think of how you could get that feeling from IRL sex by getting creative.
This is directly addressed in the book My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday. Basically it is a collection of women’s sexual fantasies with commentary and discussion from the author on common themes and experiences.
Its totally normal to have wild fantasies. That’s the fun of fantasy! You aren’t obligated to act out your fantasies. And they don’t need to be acted out to still be very hot to you.
It’s a common thing for partners to feel inadequate in light of a fantasy. Fantasies are just that–fantasies.
If he has any kinky fantasies, he almost certainly has some he doesn’t want to act out–they’re just fun to use to get off. Maybe help him by pointing those out to him. It’s up to him if he wants to see your fantasies for what they are. Insecurity is not possible for you to fix–he’s the only one in control of that. But you can provide him as much support as you care to offer, but at the end of the day, its on him.
[deleted]
From a male perspective, it makes me wonder what the partner is capable of when the situation arises, and whether I really know this person like I think I do.