My (25f) parents divorced when I was a baby. I went to live with my dad and grew up having a good relationship with both parents. My dad never remarried but mum remarried to an absolute POS. He’s abusive (physically and mentally), ignorant, racist…the list goes on.
Mum is from a pretty conservative culture and pressure from her peers and family prevented her from having a second divorce. Especially because her first divorce was considered to be over something “silly” by her community. She married my father when she was quite young and as time passed and she changed, she realised that they weren’t actually compatible. She got a lot of hate about this and was shunned until she remarried.
Together, mum and POS have 3 children, S (20f), S (19m) and D (11f). All of them are really mean and toxic (they seem to really take after their father). They have no idea how to behave in public and I feel embarrassed everytime I visit them. They swear loudly at each other, threaten to beat each other up and generally behave like total bullies. This is all in public btw. Sometimes we’ll be out at a restaurant for example and they’ll behave like this.
They also discuss topics which I find cringey super loudly in public. For example, they’ll show off about how they spent x amount on clothes or shoes. They’ll make a point to let everyone know how much they spent or how much money they have.
I have tried for years to find some common ground with them. My mum always tells me that they’re still young and they’ll grow out of it. She says that a lot of it is POS’s influence and he won’t have a hold on them forever. She’s kind of powerless and doesn’t get much of a say in how they are raised. It’s really sad but honestly that’s a story for another time.
I’m really patient and try to ignore them when they’re rude to me. I try so hard to build a relationship with them but we genuinely have nothing in common. I feel absolutely drained after I hang out with them. They also make a point to make jokes about my dad’s ethnicity and remind me constantly that I’m not their real sister.
It has gotten to the point where I don’t even want to visit them anymore. This makes me super sad because I want a sibling relationship so badly.
Tldr; my siblings don’t see me as their real sister and have really mean, toxic personalities.
2 comments
Hi OP. This situation sounds hard and I’m so sorry you’re in it. I want to suggest you try some cognitive reappraisal.
First, honestly have the goal of improving your feelings toward your half-siblings in your mind, and then think of things this way: One day, one of them may wake up and recognize they’ve been raised by an asshole to be a little asshole. That’s gonna be tough, and it’ll be hard for them to change. You and your mom are some of the only non-asshole people they will have direct access to for support and guidance.
Keep ignoring when they are shits, and remind yourself that you really cannot imagine where life will take these little fuckers, and how they will evolve. Set the goal of being a non-asshole in their lives, should they ever need one.
As someone who was raised by assholes, and was an asshole myself, I’m very glad I had a few people in my life who were there when I needed to separate myself from a toxic parent. If they had given up hope on me when I was a kid, I would not have had an adequate support system to become a better person as an adult.
You can be the person for them one day. I hope that idea makes their current nonsense more tolerable for you.
I would say that the oldest two are absolutely old enough to understand how their words hurt you and your mom is making excuses for them. Even the 11 year old should be able to understand that saying “you’re not my real sister” is shitty.
I know you want a sibling relationship but that requires the other people to be decent human beings. Redirect your energy into other relationships; you don’t need to make a declaration of low effort but I’d just pull back whatever you’re doing. You don’t seem to enjoy their company (which sounds fair!) either, so why torture yourself?
And while I love your mom’s optimism it’s unlikely they will just magically grow out of being awful. If they don’t see an issue with their behavior what’s the incentive to change?